The Vanderpump Rules “kids” are in New Orleans and they’re trying to finish what Katrina started. Too soon? My bad, but you know it’s true. So far there have been tears (mostly Sandoval), drunken spats (Katie and Schwartz, obviously) and the main event: confronting Schwartz about cheating with Vegas girl. Yeah, Schwartz thought he swept that one under the rug back in season three but Kristen Doute isn’t going to let him off that easily. All cheating must be exposed and rehashed endlessly! Now, I’m not complaining. I’d much rather watch them argue than another boring scene of Katie’s wedding preparations but I’m still going to snark about it. It’s my right and my duty. Plus, these fools give me so much to work with!
We’re back in the hotel with Sandoval and Schwartz. After having his highly anticipated drag evening ruined by Kristen, Schwartz is done. Like, really done. For the first time, he says the six little words every viewer (and probably his therapist) have been waiting five season for: “I’m not going to marry Katie.” Now, we know it won’t stick. Schwartz is too much of a wussy pussy to actually follow through. But it’s nice to hear. It also makes me wonder how much footage they’ll reference in their divorce filing. And before you get too excited, no, I haven’t heard anything but you know it’s gonna happen sooner rather than later. Allegedly.
In another room, the mean girls are wearing their arms out fanning the flames of this fight. Katie is eating it up with a fork and spoon. She gets to blame Schwartz for all of her behavior. And it’s another thing to hang over his head whenever they fight. Win, win.
Sandoval works overtime enabling his best boyfriend. While Schwartz hides in the bedroom (probably contemplating his tight tuck), Sandoval rages at Scheana and Ariana. He knows Schwartz didn’t sleep with Vegas girl. Sure, he wasn’t there, but he knows. He practically gives a “Leave Britney Alone” speech punctuated by kicking the door open to reveal “abused wife” Schwartz in his wig cap and wedding dress. Sandoval needs to include this scene on his acting reel.
Making another incredibly stupid decision, Schwartz wanders into the lion’s den (ie: Katie’s room). He’s so drunk he has to be subtitled. He calls Katie a bitch and stumbles away. Now the hyenas have even more material to work with. Kristen blames Sandoval for Schwartz’s behavior. He never acts like this unless Sandoval is around! I still think Kristen started all of this because she wasn’t able to get Sandoval in trouble for Miami girl and figures getting one Tom is better than none. Your bias is showing, Kristen.
Jax, the voice of reason, counsels Schwartz to just tell the truth. It worked for him. Every. Single. Time. He asks Schwartz if he’s sober enough to do it. Schwartz is all, “Yeah, yeah, yeah,” and they ignore the fact that he’s dribbling beer all over the hallway. Jax pulls him into Katie’s bedroom but Katie refuses to talk. She’s a harpy about it but she’s not wrong. Schwartz is falling down drunk. They need to deal with this in the morning.
Meanwhile, I just wrote a full page on the first ten minutes of the show. Focus, LC!
Everyone wakes up hung over. They have group activities planned all day. Awkward. As they wait for Katie to arrive, Schwartz tells everyone he’s scared to see her. And Sandoval is still wearing his false nails. Everyone seems to have a good time because, instead of joining their friends, Stassi takes Katie and Kristen to her family home. We meet her grandmother (adorable) and they bitch about Schwartz. Why is this wedding happening?
I refuse to write about Lisa Vanderpump’s useless Sur scenes. They’re just filler and advertisement. No.
Finally we get the Katie/Schwartz showdown. Schwartz meekly tiptoes into the room. Katie is waiting with stank face firmly in place. Schwartz asks her why they’re fighting and she claims she’s having a great time. Sigh. Katie tells him to admit he had sex with Vegas girl and Schwartz sticks to his “it never happened” story. Katie morphs into victim mode and Schwartz tells her to just drop the Vegas thing. He tells her she was a nightmare the first four years they dated. She shoots back that he put a ring on her finger so he needs to stop complaining about her actions. Why is this wedding happening? To underline the seriousness of the conversation, Schwartz starts mainlining whipcream straight from the can. Katie tells him to stop reminding her of every shitty thing she does. She can remember herself. WHY IS THIS WEDDING HAPPENING? And then it’s over. They’re smiling and joking. I’m so confused. You know, maybe I should be happy they got married. They’re both such nightmares they deserve each other. There! Are you happy? You broke me.
The gang gets all dolled up for their last night in NOLA. Everyone is over the past few days and determined to have fun. They get trashed. Schwartz explains that heavy drinking is the glue that brings them together. It works. They naturally play spin the bottle because, thirty-year olds. The first spin is Schwartz and Sandoval. Schwartz tells us this is the last time he’s going to kiss someone else as a single man. Paging Dr Freud. Stassi gets Peter and he gets flashbacks to the time they dated. Eventually people just start kissing which leads to Stassi and Peter making out.
Kristen and Sandoval find themselves outside, alone. She tells him his weave is showing and I love her for it. And then she lays into him. He’s a giant asshole. He had no right to talk to Carter about her. She’s drunk and on fire. Sandoval tries to play Mr Cool. He’s not as good at it as Ariana is. While yelling at Sandoval, Kristen admits she slept with a ton of guys behind his back. Two in one weekend, Sandoval adds. Gee, I wonder why their relationship fell apart? Sandoval wants to have an emotional moment like they had in Miami but Kristen just wants to bash him. They hug and she acts like he has cooties. I don’t know, maybe he does. Maybe they’re hiding in his weave.
Over at Villa Rosa, LVP floats the idea of opening a new restaurant in the old sex shop they bought. She likes the idea of getting some young partners to do all the work and suggests Sandoval. Très scripted but funny nonetheless.
The drunken revelries continue in New Orleans. The bar has a murphy bed so Katie gets on and Schwartz grinds on her. Yeah, we get to see his stupid Bubba tattoo. While Sandoval makes it rain all over Katie, Schwartz pulls down his pants and searches for his penis. Again. Jax gets so excited he starts dancing like it’s the year 2000 and he’s in N’Sync. Bye, bye, bye.
As they pack to go home, Shay pontificates on marriage and Scheana totally tunes him out. This might be when we start seeing their relationship fall apart. Or this just might be par for the course for the Shays. The Schwartz’s, on the other hand, agree to just bottle things up. They’re getting married in two weeks. They don’t have time to deal with any of their issues. Great plan, kids. Way to build a solid marriage, for sure.
Next week: The annual Sur photoshoot! Scheana complains to Katie that she feels left out. Stassi internet dates. Katie and Schwartz ask Lisa to marry them and she questions whether they should be getting married at all.
You are soooo right. Katie takes no ownership of her bad behaivor. She lets the argument spill over into the next day and treats it like it’s actually legitimate. I have to fast forward through Katie’s one on ones. She is nauseating.
Long ago they used to describe someone with her actions as *Instant asshole, just add alcohol*
Neither does Tom.
That was disturbing to watch. The fact that these two have such blatant disgust, contempt and disrespect for one another, yet think proceeding with getting married is best is scary. They can’t even communicate or show basic decency toward each other. Sure Schwartz slept with that girl, I believe it, and he’s a little coward in their relationship, but she is an aggressive, abusive, bitch with a drinking problem. They are both to blame for this. I can hardly watch, honestly.
I hope to god they get divorced, work their shit out individually, and maybe find a suitable partner at some point.
Yeeesh the fact that they actually got married is getting darker with each episode. They seriously don’t even seem to like each other. I noticed Schwartz spit out the beer and said it was water, which made me think either the cast, or production, dumped out beer to try to hydrate him – he must have been wasted to the point where they were possibly worried. I’m alllllllllll for getting drunk but – how old is he? After 35, it’s just not a good look. I also saw him sleeping next to his wallet – made me laugh because I’m OCD with my wallet when I’m drunk and always sleep next to it, so drunk me let’s sober me know I have it.
Stassi has grown on me more and more and I straight up loved her these last 2 episodes. I lost my Gma 2 years ago and her scenes at home with her grandmother made me bawl. I also think she’s a really good friend, legit.
Isn’t it odd that she grew up in the deep south and has no accent whatsoever? lol I was thinking that as she was talking to her grandma.
Everything about Stassi is fake. She was on a reality show before Pump Rules I can vaguely remember. She was an unfortunate looking child. It was some sort of family trip. Someone remind me what the show was?
It was the amazing race, family…….before her nose job and makeover.
I did not know this, jeeze.
Thank you, srt3! I was wracking my mostly empty brain all day.
Watching Sandoval in full makeup ranting about his side piece, Schwartz, creeped me out.
Jax was the first one out of drag. Probably at Kentucky’s insistence. But Schwartz stayed in that dress and drag forever! Sandoval didn’t seem to be any hurry to take the makeup off either.
Haha, I noticed that too. And Tom”2″ (N.O. style) never did end up taking off those fingernails. Ewwww…..Ariana.
I just found your blog the other day, and LOVE it! You write everything I’m thinking when I watch this show! Tom and Katie are a DISASTER, I wonder if they’re embarrassed watching themselves?? Thanks for the laughs 🙂
I see Lisa V. is trying to sell another show with Sandoval. Funny recap, thanks.
Oh my word. It just slapped me in the face. She really is shrewd. Knowing the fascination Andy has with the Tom’s, in particular Sandoval. Now it makes perfect sense why she would have singled him out. Duh on me. She is a smooth operator. “Something to think about indeed”. (for Bravo that is)
I am thumping my forehead too. Of COURSE. Andy LOVES Sandoval.
I wonder what happened to the restaurant Peter was opening with Jax?
Lady Cocotte, I watched parts of this because New Orleans one of my favorite places, could not watch all of this mess.
Thanks for the recap.
I agree about the info commercial for LVP and Sur.
I just can’t with any of these “kids” not kids. I worked on restaurants in Monterey/Carmel many years ago. I made exceptional money, as these people do and it’s how I bought my first real estate. Majority of them are a complete waste of air.
Lady Cocotte makes it at least readable.
Did you watch the series “The Treme” when it was on? I learned a lot about the city, which was shot 100% on location.
I agree with you Calipatti on the issue of where is their money going?but I do enjoy certain aspects of the show. I worked in restaurants my whole career, make great money and raised my 2 kids just fine. This is what I was saying below, I don’t understand how they don’t realize that this15 mins of fame will run out and Jax has a credit card that has been declined twice! Some of them drink far too much! Maybe their parents or even LVP (if she cares as much as she says she does) should step in, I know that I would have by now.
According to Andy and to LVP this is the most watched TV show on right now. Shudder to think what this means for our futures. But, ok, we will go with that. WHY? I mean, yes, I watch it, but it is a well known fact amongst those who know me that I am seriously in need of some kind of help. I just can’t even with Katie. I really cannot. She is so delusional and so is her little band of misfits. Honestly, her saying that we got to see the other side of Tom. That she feels vindicated. Stassi thinks they “won”? Hello. If I was Tom I would have never lasted this long. Although, I have to wonder about his mental health. Saying for the first few years she was a horrible person? Yet, he is still here. I am assuming, that he, along with us, got what one or two good Katie years? But we have seen the light. What kind of punishment is he trying to self inflict on himself to keep, not only go one with this, but COMMIT to a lifetime of it? I don’t get it. Crazy Kristen started to come out a little last night in her “talk” with Tom. Which was either horrid editing or just crazy off the wall what? Stassi is beginning to emerge as “sane” amongst those three. Scheana last night , ok, was just the worst ever. She totally ditched and ignored Shay. It was so disrespectful and selfish. How much longer is this season? And Tom as a Jr. Restaurant Partner? I thought we lost poor Ken for sure at that suggestion. LOL
According to Bravowhore.com Pump Rules has a respectable 1.3 millionish on average views. It’s good but not even the highest rated on Bravo let alone “TV” lol.
I worked as a bartender/waitress up until I retired but I never partied like these kids. If I was their mom I would have dragged their little asses back to Kentucky ( or wherever I lived) by now to dry them up..lol I love this show and it likely wouldn’t be as much fun to watch if they were sober ( have they ever done even one show sober?) but seriously…you would think that someone related to anyone of them might be a bit concerned by now?
Aside from the usual Katie hates Tom / Tom hates Katie drama did anyone else catch the line from Scheana that lit up twitter? After telling Mike about K &T’s prenup Scheana says how they never needed one because of their trust in each other #HugeEyeroll ..then the smoking gun… She says “I mean what are you going to do empty out my bank account or take my tips”? Mikes response ..a coy smile with “Maybe”…. skip ahead a few months and the headlines are………… BTW if you don’t want to get #BlockedByScheana don’t mention that on twitter… Lesson learned
Whether Kristen is Crazy Kristen, Drunk Kristen, Interfering Kristen or Zen Kristen She knows when to show up and how to bring the drama! Other then the first season #Yawn…. every other season since LVP should be thanking Kristen for it’s success. Stassi is not number #1 Kristen is! That bit, blaming Tom, yelling at Tom and calling out his hair….Perfect Kristen!
Does anyone else think that the new “Katie” that LVP was interviewing for a server job may join the cast? I’m not sure about her…. #NoNewPeople Keep James and Lala! Also if LVP opens a restaurant with Sandavol she will have to widen its doorway. His head is already so big, this will just make him think he is the “King” of VanderPumpRules and the staff has to bow down to him. It will be fun to watch how Jax deals with that..lol #S6
Thanks for the always great recap! Lady C ❤️ xo
Yes, lilybeth! I literally gasped when I heard Scheana say that about the bank account. I was like YES HE WILL lol
Oh, the poor Shays.
I think new Katie was just someone available to film with LVP to give her her paycheck for the episode. It was just fake BS.
So if Lisa had said no to officiating their wedding… what would they do? The wedding was only a few weeks away at that point. Also, doesn’t it take longer to get the certificate?
Lisa is already an officiant. She married some gay blokes at Pump (can’t remember if it was VPR or RHOBH). And the whole “I don’t know if I should” issue is totally scripted. She’s been on the books to do the wedding all season & her questioning them was probably written before they started filming.
I know I’m bulletpointing my opinions practically but I can’t seem to help it…
1. Why is no one commenting that that picture of Sandoval looks like Caitlyn jenner? Too un-PC?
2. Why are you commenting on the fact that a lady called Lisa Vanderpump is using a show called Vanderpump Rules to advertise Lisa Vanderpumps restaurants? I mean… c’mon… That’s like Tamara, Teecee and NAA not asking for money to fly to Paris and live in luxury on tamaratattles.com. #Alledgedly 😉
3. Schwartz may also be awful, but he has that quality that some people have that even though they’re awful, they’re cute and likeable with it. Katie does not. I am not judging. I also do not have this quality.
4. After running two groups of bars, one previously owned by said devious cunty bitch in diamonds, I can confirm that all the staff I’ve dealt with do behave like that. They often drink, take drugs and are generally reprobates. However, they are all normally in their early twenties and if they don’t turn up to, or fuck up a shift, they get sacked because they are not on a show and real life people have consequences. And yes, most of the staff she had in London were also out of work models and/or actresses.
*fin*
Mark, I’m on painkillers at the moment but your comment has me LMAO!
Also, wtf with the ads for phone with food stamps and Hitler’s deathbed confession today? Am I alone in this or did my doctor just give me some really good shit? ?
My ads are for 60 days in. You must google some weird shit lol.
Speaking of ads, which we are techincally not allowed to speak about, is anyone having any weirdly placed ads? Like ads covering up shit and sliding down the page? Not the floating footer, but other ones?
I’m usually on your site from my mobile and I haven’t had anything weird.
Just wanted to share the liberating experience I had while watching this ep: Katie is an asshole. AND Tom is an asshole. It’s not one or the other. I don’t have to try to figure out who’s getting the short end of the stick! THEY. BOTH. SUCK.
~~~ I’m as free as a bird now ~~~
On another, much more shallow note: I need Jax & Brittany to get clean(er) & get fit. The two of them in their respective primes? Stunning. Faptastic. It’ll be a tough climb for ole Jax but Brit can do it no prob.
Not sure what’s wrong with me, but I was impressed with Schwartz’s dance for Katie…it wasnt Magic Mike but I was surprised that he had some moves (sidenote: I’m sure Sandoval was incredibly jealous of Katie in that moment).
Now please excuse me whilst I go wash my mouth out for saying such words. The shame!!