By Phil Andros
Before I go into the recap, I have to tell you that the first 4 episodes so far have seem really rushed. Stupid rushed. The writing is not nearly as good as previous seasons and at times has just flat-out stunk up the place. And while I know we’re all used to ridiculous plots – I mean really ridiculous plots – this season isn’t just straining credulity, it’s flat out insulting our intelligence. But watch…we must….
This one starts out really dark with Cyrus’ intake into a SuperMax prison. He gets fingerprinted, strip-searched and it’s filmed in a way to make us ponder the injustices of the criminal justice system. HAHAHA. As if. And we get Cy bent over being asked to spread ‘em. AND I CAN’T UNSEE THAT AND NOW NEITHER CAN YOU. There was actually a lot of the gay in this episode, not one damn bit of it hot. And there was no Scott Foley. The only moderately funny line was when the prison dude made Cy say what he was in for and he had to respond “assassinating the President elect.” Which is not something you really get to say every day.
Then you have probably the grossest scene in the show. Olivia and Mellie and OPA celebrating the fact that Mellie is going to be PRESIDENT. It’s UNPRESIDENTED! They drink some wine and then start dancing to En Vogue singing “Free your Mind.” Which is a fucking kick ass song about prejudice. Which also came out in 1994, but whatev. It was probably cheap. Quinn “I didn’t know the leader of the free world twerks.”
As I’m watching this truly revolting spectacle, three things come to mind. (1) Does my deep self loathing really require me to watch? Answer: Yes and (b) When was this filmed because Kerry Washington is looking really dowdy in a ‘I am either about to pop or I haven’t lost my baby fat way. Her kid was born October 16. I’m not sure when filming took place, but there isn’t much that’s sexy about this Olivia. (3) There is now no way Mellie is going to be president. We know Shondra loves to torture the uptight white lady. We know Mellie can’t be happy. Quod Erat Demonstratum.
Boring black guy who fucked Mellie holds a press conference.
Q: Is it a death penalty case?
A: You’ll have to ask the Attorney General
: cue portentous music :
Abby runs down the hall to David Rosen’s office. FBI Lady who asked Olivia’s permission basically to fuck Fitz is also there. David and FBI Lady say they are going for the death penalty. Abby says “Hellz No” and invokes Fitz. It’s kind of the same alpha woman bullshit she pulled in that hospital scene with Vargas. It really doesn’t suit her and it really makes absolutely no sense at all yet.
We’re back in jail where Cyrus gets his first go at 1 hour of exercise. It’s a frightful small pen he gets put into and it’s indoors. But he sees Tom who is at the same facility. Um, no. They would never do that and they never do that. It would be like putting Apollo and Phaedra in jail together for what Apollo would undoubtedly call “connubial visits” – haha, as if, I crack myself up. Cyrus begs to see Tom or for paper and pen, guard spits in Cy’s face. Not in a hot porn way. But I am starting to genuinely think at this point that Cy didn’t do it.
Abby gets Liz to go tell Cyrus that he isn’t going to get the death penalty. Why? Seriously, why? Liz sees Cyrus. Liz tells Cyrus, “The public has turned against you in a very bloodthirsty way.”
Cyrus says that Tom is, “Deeply deranged but emotionally simple.” Which is frankly how I like my men so I’m not sure what the problem is.
Some interlude with Huck and awkward girl. I honestly don’t remember who she is. I think by the time we get to here that she’s the friend of the girl who got spit roasted at the cabin. Huck seems to have a thing for her. She asks him what happened to Jennifer (BBQ girl)?
Huck goes back to OPA and says that they need to figure out what happened to rotisserie girl because
:cue portentous music again :
…neither Cy nor Tom has been charged with Jennifer’s murder. Right now I’m thinking Poppa Pope.
Cyrus has a convo with his creepy cellmate across the hall who is – seriously Shonda? – someone who ate his girlfriend, her father and mother but not the dog ‘because that would be wrong’ or some such. And I have a hankering for some fava beans and a nice Chianti. Really, this was so fucking lazy, Shonda. Anyway, the whole ‘belt’ thing in the title comes from this scene but it’s boring and depressing and doesn’t advance the plot, so meh.
So, Ralph the Cannibal, tells Cyrus that he needs to figure out some way to get leverage over the guard. Cyrus tells the guard that if he’ll give him a pen and paper he’ll tell him how to get out from under the gang that’s blackmailing him. Guard agrees, Cyrus tells the guard he needs to find his “Oval office” – basically the one thing that the guard can control that the gang wants. It’ll become important later, I swear. Cy gets a letter to Liz to give to Tom. His hope is that if he can convince Tom that he really loves him, Tom will recant. Yes, this is not a joke. This is, in fact, the major plot line.
Meanwhile, Fitz and the FBI Lady are shown in bed together. Now for this, I’m actually going to give Shonda major major props. FBI Lady is a big badass black woman. Big body, big hair and really dark complected. She is exactly the opposite of what teevee shows and movies like to cast in interracial relationships, which is basically light-skinned gorgeous black women like Olivia. Good on you, Shonda. It’s completely unbelievable in Fitz’s case, they have no real passionate scenes and they have zero chemistry, but good on you. FBI Lady tells Fitz she admires that he stuck up for his friend and insisted that he didn’t get the death penalty. RutRoh. Next scene is Abby, David, Fitz and FBI lady with Abby getting her ass handed to her by Fitz. In the real world, she would have been fired, but this is Shonda land. Main takeaway: Abby figures out that Fitz and FBI lady are fucking. But again, what is up with Abby? Does she know that Cyrus didn’t do it? Hmmm.
Ok, in rapid succession:
- Michael (Cyrus’ Whore) sees Cyrus in prison to tell him that he’s filing for divorce: Why? Because Liz showed him the letters Cy wrote to Tom to convince him that he loves him. Why? Dunno. I mean, I remember way back when that Liz was the one who hired Cyrus’ Whore, but at this point that connection makes no sense. Really didn’t get this one.
- Fitz goes on national television to say that they are going for the death penalty for Cyrus.
- Cyrus’ jailor ‘takes pity’ on him, but really sets him up to be jumped. Because everyone in the gang is super super political and had the sadz because Cyrus killed Vargas. Yeah, I know, roll with it.
- Cyrus has stupid dreams, but he’s just in the hospital banged up from getting jumped. The dreams were obvious and made no sense.
- Cyrus calls Olivia. She tells him: “I will always be your friend but I will never talk to you again.” After hearing the Donald tell us that the leaks were fake news but he was still firing Flynn and investigating the leaks, almost made sense.
- Huck kisses that girl.
Cy asks the friendly-ish guard for his belt because he’s going to kill himself and frame it on whichever guard the friendly-ish guard doesn’t like. Ok. Guard comes back later to give him the belt and Cyrus gets Ralph the Cannibal to jump him. Cyrus and Ralph (a) manage to get to the different wing where Tom is being kept unobstructed, (2) Tom, who can basically kill people at will is about to be choked to death by some middle-aged out of shape Cannibal guy and (iii) Tom, while dying, tells Cyrus that he is innocent so Cyrus must be innocent too. So Cyrus gets Ralph to stop strangling Tom and lets him kill the friendly-ish guard instead. CY WANTS TO LIVE. (Major bonus points if you get that awful movie reference.) Tom tells Cy that he confessed just “to see him suffer.” And I’m thinking this is going to mark the second time the serial killing Tom is going to get out of Super Max.
Meanwhile, back at OPA, the gang has determined that Tom was nowhere near Frankie when he got shot and that someone deposited $2 million into Tom’s account. Still no word on who killed Deep Fry Chick. But I’m sure they’ll wrap that up eventually.
So where does that leave us?
Who will be President? It’s unclear to me exactly where we are with the date the Electoral college meets. Can Cy be cleared in time? Does it matter? Does that stupid dream he had of him as President, Mellie as VP and then Mellie as President tell us what’s going to happen?
Who killed Frankie? I’m thinking it has to be Poppa Pope. There are only a handful of people on the show who could have pulled that off and perfectly framed the Redneck for it. Huck, Charlie and Jake were at Mellie’s campaign headquarters. Tom was out of town. Has to be Eli right? If it’s Eli, which makes total sense, is Abby somehow involved? If yes, why? If not, what’s her role?
Who gave Tom the money? Probably Eli, but Tom may not even know. And, of course, we still don’t know who fricasseed Jennifer.
Obviously the entire season is going to be about this plotline. I’m not sure I love it, but I’ll watch for a while. How about you?