Tonight the Vanderpump Rules “kids” laissez les bons temps rouler in the Big Easy. That’s right. Everyone’s favorite Bridezilla is having her bachelorette party in New Orleans. And she’s dragged her brow-beaten, “abused wife” of a fiancé (and his groomsmen) along for the ride. Ugh. I forsee a lot of Katie drama tonight. Luckily, NOLA is Stassi’s town. Hopefully she’ll try to make things all about her and give us a little break from the constant KatieKatieKatie. So get ready for lots of booze, bad behaviour and, most of all, lots of Katie. Actually, those three things are pretty much inseparable so this week will either be great reality TV or a total trainwreck. I’m excited either way!
Stassi starts things out in perfect form. She tells Kristen she feels like the bachelorette trip is her wedding. You know, because it’s all about her. It’s so much pressure! And we get the “Stassi needs a man” storyline. They tried it in Montauk and it was a big disappointment but they’re pulling it back out for New Orleans. I get it. She’s the only single cast member but yawn.
Ariana’s mom visits their sad apartment. Sandoval uses the microwave and blows a breaker. Maybe they should divert some of their braid funds towards a nicer place. Preferably a place where Kristen hasn’t slept with Jax or James.
Lisa is at Pump to prepare for a Daily Mail party (Advertising By Bravo). Daily Mail hired James Kennedy to DJ so Lisa reads him the riot act. He’s just happy to be back on the show.
Scheana throws a pool party in Azusa. They get a shout out because it’s also the hometown of my girl Adore Delano. Scheana is really excited to throw a Scheana event. Tom Schwartz shows up in a pink muumuu. He’s still a bit rocked from the previous evening’s Tequila Katie beatdown. Jax describes their relationship perfectly: “Tom and Katie’s relationship is kind of like a stinky room. And instead of, like, finding the source of the stink, they just Fabreeze the situation and hope it goes away.” Damn, Jax! That’s some poetry there. Katie tells her version of events to Stassi. She blames Ariana for “ruining” her bridal shower and Tom asking her to be a groomsman is disrespectful. Sigh. Their relationship makes me so sad. Anyway, Katie wonders what exactly she needs to do to get Tom to respect her. Be blond? Be skinnier? Be cooler? How about stop being a raging bitch? Ever considered that option, Katie? Ugh. Now I’m angry.
Katie mopes in a corner. Stassi is horrified that Schwartz hasn’t apologized yet. But he’s too busy bitching to Kristen, Jax and Scheana. Kristen is ready to go all Crazy Kristen on him for daring to say anything bad about his amazing fiancée. Jax is only concerned about how it’s going to affect the bachelor party. Schwartz blows it off. This is his miserable life. He’s used to it. Scheana tries to give marital advice. You have to stop and just kiss each other. “Kisses make everything better!” Oh yeah? How’d that work out for you, Scheana? Jax compares getting marriage advice from Scheana to getting sobriety advice from Shay. I’d compare it to getting sobriety advice from Scheana.
Scheana browbeats Schwartz into apologizing to Katie. He’s terrified of her. As I wrote that I realized it wasn’t clear if he’s terrified of Katie or Scheana but I’m keeping it because he’s probably scared of both of them. Katie rebuffs him. She needs Schwartz to really understand that he has to obey her every whim, big time. Or, as she puts it, maker her feelings a priority. He grovels at her feet. Anything to end this conversation so he can go back to hanging out with his friends (you know, the people he actually likes).
Scheana is bringing a dick wand from her bachelorette party to New Orleans. It’s all chewed up. You don’t need to be a forensic scientist to know those are Jax’s teeth marks. Scheana and Shay worry about Katie and Tom’s relationship. Irony By Bravo.
Katie suggests she and Schwartz make some vows for their trip. She vows to not rage text (she probably breaks that one the first night). Schwartz vows to have her back. The only redeemable part of this scene is their little white poodle wearing a cone of shame.
I have a lot of friends from New Orleans and I’ve always wanted to visit. I hope these fools don’t ruin the city for me. It’s Scheana and Shay’s anniversary so they’re doing a private dinner. No one cares. Schwartz tries to be romantic with Katie and everything he does annoys her. Sigh. Is Schwartz wearing a tshirt of his own face? I actually appreciate that. Stassi crashes Katie and Tom’s lovefest because, camera time. As is the habit on these trips,
production Lisa upgraded their room so they do their obligatory thank you call.
Then everyone hits Bourbon Street. Katie gets hit in the face with Mardi Gras beads. Whoever included that should get a raise. The girls get shots in fake diamond rings. Sandoval takes off his sweatshirt and reveals his Tom #1 tshirt. Then he pulls that off and he’s wearing a Tom #2 shirt. The torch has been passed. He gives Schwartz his own Tom #1 shirt and Schwartz quotes a Kelly Clarkson. “Some People Wait A Lifetime For A Moment Like This.” I wish he and Katie loved each other as much as the Toms love each other.
You’ll never guess what Scheana gave Shay for their anniversary: a book of photos of her! Didn’t she give him the same thing for their wedding? I guess it makes sense for the girl who has huge photos of herself all over her apartment. They both give speeches about how lucky Shay is to have Scheana. Yeah.
Stassi bitches about Ariana getting to hang with the groomsmen and the bridesmaids. Petty. Katie and Sandoval get into it about Ariana and Lala. Then Sandoval drops a bombshell. He tells Katie he thinks there’s something deep rooted that she and Schwartz aren’t dealing with. Katie gets irate. Sandoval suggest they talk to a counselor. Katie gets angrier. How dare Sandoval ruin her bachelorette party! She just wants to have fun! When does she get to have fun? She drunkenly storms away. Uh oh. Schwartz is going to pay for this one.
James goes to Sur to see Lisa. She’s “coincidentally” talking to GG. Yeah, ok. James again denies he slept with her and calls her a smooshy troll. Gentleman. James assumes since his Daily Mail gig at Pump went smoothly, Lisa should rehire him. She’s not interested. She tells him maybe after being sober for a year… “A year?” he explodes. Oh, James. And considering everything going on, you might want to stop calling yourself the “white Kanye.” Just saying.
Stassi wants to cry on Brittany’s shoulder about her breakup but Jax crashes their fun. They’re all drunk and slurring. Jax wants to know why Stassi wouldn’t talk to him while she dated Patrick. I don’t care. Stassi cries and begs Jax to apologize for how he treated her. I don’t care. Jax cries and apologizes. I don’t care. Brittany gets pissed that Jax will get upset about how he treated other people but not about how he treats her. I DON’T CARE.
Next week: The girls get strippers. Schwartz and Katie fight. The bridesmaids fret that Schwartz won’t apologize (again). Jax confronts Schwartz about not wanting to marry Katie. The boys dress in drag and Schwartz shows off his tight tuck. Crazy Kristen shows up to yell at Schwartz. Schwartz admits to kissing a girl (probably the same one he admitted to before) but not fucking her. Schwartz tells Scheana and Ariana he’s done and won’t marry Katie.