Well, ladies and gents, it’s time to head into the woods with the RHOA. I tried in vain to watch things that were not filled with death and arguing and sad stories today. Even the Sherlock Holmes movie I watched was sad. I wish these bitches would just behave tonight, but we know that is not going to happen. We ain’t even off the damn bus yet and it’s less than a two hour ride.
Phaedra claims she only planned for the six people she invited so all of the uninvited folks will have to bunk with whoever they came with. But the first night, they will be tent camping. Sheree is afraid to sleep outside and she sure doesn’t want to share a tent with Marlo’s farts. Hey, you are the fool that invited her, Sheree. Tough titties. They do have a room, in the cabin where I predict they will actually sleep in once the cameras turn off. It’s odd though because there are some nice treehouse rooms at Banning Mills that I have photos of them hanging out at. Is this all smoke and mirrors?
Mama Joyce’s streets have been talking about Sheree being a closeted lesbian for years. So it is pretty hypocritical of her to immediately tell Marlo that Kandi is gay so that Marlo can bring it up at her little “Axe Marlo” Q and A she plans to hold. And since when does a dip or three in the lady pond make someone gay? Clearly, most of these women did not go to college because in the 90s, making out with girls was practically a sporting event. I mean, so I heard. Allegedly. Not that I would I know. I mean I haven’t made out with a girl since 2015. Or was it 2016. I forget.
They do have to take a bus to the campsite. So maybe they do stay there. The camping expert put up one tent, but the ladies have to put up their own tents. It takes them hours to accomplish the task. Kenya asks Sheree for help inflating her air mattress. Finally, I have something to laugh about today. In her talking head with the weird white dress, Sheree wants Kenya to DIE IN A FIRE. And again, I laugh. Clearly, Sheree reads here a lot.
It’s time for AXE MARLO! Even though Kenya didn’t axe Marlo at all she suggests Kenya get better lashes because hers are too thick. Is that even possible? I do remember in high school I used to complain that mascara made my lashes too long. I was also “too skinny.” Clearly, I was an idiot in high school.
Porsha’s sister asks why she is not cool with Kenya anymore. She says it’s because she was not invited to Kenya’s birthday or her housewarming. Really bitch? Kenya says she has apologized several time for hurting Marlo’s feelings. Marlo keep coming for Kenya and then says, “If a person’s mother doesn’t want to be bothered with them, that how you know she is evil.” See, it’s been my experience that people who profess to be good, and then call others “evil” are the real evil people in the world. The photo above of Phaedra is in response to Marlo’s comment. And for a moment Kandi and Phaedra are in agreement. Marlo is a cunt. Marlo also says that Kenya wants her “lifestyle.” Kenya says that “nobody wants to be a prostitute.” Or perhaps a credit card fraudster. Allegedly. #BlindItem reveal. Oddly, it is Phaedra who talks the two women down and says the trip is supposed to be about bonding not name calling. Sheree says that she is not going to bring up “the gay stuff” after Phaedra made her comment.
Marlo walked back to the cabin alone in the middle of the night. Phaedra wants us to believe she slept like a baby in her tent. In her maxi dress. Cynthia says she didn’t sleep well at all.
Kenya planned the second day. I wish I had a photo of Kenya’s new talking head look, because she is slaying it with those curls.
Phaedra is asked if she is divorced yet. She says she filed almost a year ago. Um, nope. Kandi chimed in with the info that if a spouse is incarcerated you could get a divorce in 60 days. It is very strange to me that Phaedra refuses to divorce Apollo. As Sheree says, “What is Phaedra trying to hide?” Phaedra says that Kandi never even went to college, so she probably knows more about divorce law than Kandi. Well, dear, Kandi knows a lot of people who have gone to prison, so she probably has you beat there. Cynthia’s divorce actually is almost done. She’s sad about it and tears up telling the ladies that Peter has chosen not to sign the divorce papers together. Really? People do that? I always thought you were served and signed and sent them back in. I managed to avoid that whole process by not getting married. I think between my three siblings there are seven divorces? It doesn’t seem fun. Cynthia says she will not marry again. That is what they all say. Everyone comes together to support Cynthia.
The girls head out to the lake to kayak and paddle boat. There is much moaning about bugs and snakes. Sheree is totally freaking out. She is such a hot mess. She taps out of the paddle boat. Next up, ziplines! Cynthia does not want to do this. Kenya goes first. Oh it is not a zip line, exactly. They freefall from a tower. Kandi loved it. Porsha has a panic attack, but she goes through with it. Everyone was very supportive of Porsha.
Kenya sets up a great dinner with tea lights and white table cloths and flowers for their final dinner. Sheree and Marlo are late to dinner. They are exhausted from all their whining about the wilderness. Sheree arrives and her dinner convesation was about her fear of a yeast infection. She said it like ten times. She is so nasty. Kenya and Marlo exchange apologies. Marlo admits that she said some awful things. Marlo decides it is a good time to ask Kandi if she is gay. She also sells out Sheree as the source of the rumors.
This feels like the longest show ever. It’s like slogging through mud to get through this blog. Perhaps I am giving too much detail. I am ready to be done with this.
Kandi lets us know that she loves Todd. And dick. His dick in particular. Sheree then joins in to say that Porsha is the source of the rumor. Porsha tries to backtrack. But production rolls the tape. Then she says everyone talks behind everyone’s back. Phaedra is GULPING down the wine, because she knows this is all on her and what she said about Shamea and Kandi hooking up. This whole conversation is ridiculous. Kandi tells the table that she has in fact dipped in the lady pond. Porsha tries to deny that she has. Kandi says “lez be clear on that.” heh.
After dinner all the girls get into little groups to gossip about Sheree “the bone carrier.” Kandi says that drunk Porsha is an “aggressive lesbian” when she is drunk. And? Who cares?
I hate these promos for the whole rest of the season. I want to know what happens next week.