I don’t know how tonight’s Vanderpump Rules can compete with last week. James Kennedy’s triumphant rap performance was overshadowed by an amazing ambush from his side pieces (coordinated by the ever delicate flower, Scheana
Shay). His very public meltdown, which devolved into a bar brawl with Jax Taylor, was entirely expected. Wash, rinse, repeat. Kristen in the peanut gallery, cackling at the whole thing, was just the icing on the cake. It was everything I look for from this bunch of wild and crazy “kids.” Hopefully they can keep up the momentum this week.
I’m already annoyed. We start with Katie and Schwartz opening wedding RSVPs. Katie spent $18 per invite but forgot to put names on the responses so they have no idea who is actually RSVPing. The Brain Trust hard at work. Luckily, Kristen shows up to talk about the James debacle. Whiney Katie ruins it by whining about Scheana and we miss out on Kristen’s gloating. Then whiney Katie starts whining about Ariana. She literally says she needs to fall in line. Ugh.
At Sur, Jax, Scheana and Ariana talk about the James fight. Jax claims James started it. He was just there because he likes trance music. Lisa joins to chastise them. She fired James to avoid the drama but now Scheana and Jax are trawling around town for it. Scheana, knowing which side her bread is buttered on, pretends to be contrite. Jax doesn’t so he doesn’t.
Tom Sandoval is getting back into modeling. He brings Schwartz to his very important gig being shot by Jessica Simpson’s dad. Because Joe Simpson is known for being a photographer. Sandoval arrives with a case of Coors Light. Professional. As Sandoval gets his makeup done, the Toms discuss Katie’s problems with Ariana. Sandoval puts the blame squarely on the mean girls. Schwartz waffles. He explains that he’s Team Katie for the next month (Freud would have a field day with him) so he has to have her back on this. Sandoval agrees to talk to Ariana. Whatever it takes to be a part of Weddings By Bravo. And then it’s showtime. Joe Simpson reminds Sandoval it’s stomach in, dick out. You gotta love people with zero self-awareness.
James and his pageant queen girlfriend go to dinner. Although she’s desperately clinging to the fantasy that James didn’t cheat, Raquel openly questions him about how the girls even had the opportunity to get in his bed or go home in his clothes. James stammers out some bullshit she wants to believe but knows she shouldn’t. Finally he gets exasperated and tells her she just has to trust him. And she does, if she wants to stay on TV.
Jax and Brittany go to church. It’s flying rainbow flags so I doubt it’s one her mom would pick but hey, it’s a start. The sermon is about anger and it’s totally wasted on Jax. Jax jokes that he hopes going to church will make Brittany happy enough to get her off his back and back in that kitchen, where she belongs.
Stassi is taking care of her mom after a hysterectomy. I assumed she had plastic surgery so now I feel a little bad. Katie shows up because, camera. Katie asks Stassi’s brother if he has advice for Sassi about her break up. As usual, he’s the only voice of reason on the show. He points out that she has all of her friends and Patrick is all alone. Stassi pretends to break down and Nikolai comforts her. He tells her life is tough. “Especially in your twenties.” I love this kid.
James and Sandoval go to coffee. James doubles down on his “I did not have sexual relations with that woman” lie. Sandoval thinks he did. I’m surprised. Sandoval usually enables him. James gets pissed and refuses to take responsibility. Again.
Peter (and his Everybody Loves Raymond voice) is producing a short movie. He calls it Star Wars meets Halo and it stars Tom Sandoval. It sounds like a nightmare. Peter wears a tank top and his arms are distractingly swollen. I hope he’s not on the Jax
steroid plan. Ariana shows up to support and Sandoval tells her Katie is threatening to kick her out of the Weddings By Bravo. Ariana refuses to apologize. And now she’s even more pissed. Uh oh.
Pandora is throwing a scripted spa day as her bachelorette gift to Katie. She and Scheana raid Lisa’s liquor stash which is really just an excuse for Scheana to complain about bridezilla Katie. I mean, she was super chill about her wedding (insert obligatory flashbacks to Scheana being worse than Katie). Lisa tries to calm her down. Katie is her favorite this year (Weddings By Bravo) but she still has a soft spot for Scheana. Lisa blames the whole thing on Stassi and she’s not entirely wrong.
Tom Schwartz goes to drinks with Katie, Jax, Ariana and Carter. OMG. That’s not Katie. It’s Sandoval. I need to pause the show and chuckle over that one for a minute. Ok, I’m back. The guys are going to join the bachelorette party in drag. The Toms and Jax are really excited about it. Carter is just there for camera time. They joke about their lack of homoerotic antics (insert obligatory flashbacks to their homoerotic antics). And then they discuss the Ariana conundrum. While she won’t apologize, Ariana is willing to make Stassi love her. Even if she has to make out with her.
Pandora’s spa party is at her house and Stassi has never seen it. My, how the mighty have fallen. Stassi lets us know Lisa gave it to her for her birthday. Meow. Ariana shows up and the mean girls get ready to rumble. Scheana stirs the pot but Ariana refuses to take the bait. She tells Stassi she just wants to have fun with her. Stassi takes it as an apology.. Scheana naturally takes credit for the truce. At lunch they inform the other ladies that they’ve worked things out. Katie isn’t satisfied. Even though it’s not in her nature to make things about her (ha!), this is her wedding and everyone needs to respect her authority.
Seeing that she’s not getting much traction from Stassi and Ariana, Katie turns on Scheana. Scheana gets defensive and complains about Katie’s mean, drunken texts. Katie flips. She’s sick of being characterized as Tequila Katie. They go round and round. You’re a mean drunk! You’re fake! Finally Scheana throws down her napkin and storms away from the table. Pandora looks around in despair. Is the camera time really worth all this drama? Scheana returns to the table to apologize. She passive-aggressively offers to leave so Katie can enjoy her day. Instead, Katie pulls her aside so they can beat a dead horse. Ugh. I just can’t with this storyline anymore.
Ariana brings Sandoval and Jax to Lisa’s closet to find drag outfits. Jax goes to try on a dress and Lisa catches him checking out his rack in the mirror. Jax and Sandoval have a ball. I’m just happy to see something that doesn’t focus on Katie.
Speaking of the devil, Katie and Schwartz go out to dinner. They fight about Ariana ruining Katie’s bridal shower. Katie gets vicious. Schwartz asks if she’s drunk. Uh oh. Katie no likee. It just goes downhill from there. Their dinner gives me indigestion.
Next week: Scheana throws a pool party. Katie drinks and stews. Lisa gives James another chance. The gang hits New Orleans and they drink. A lot.