I have to just say that I cheat on y’all with other shows on Monday nights and am just now caught up on my viewing of them, so I have NOT seen Vanderpump Rules yet tonight. In the past my recaps have been decent when I was down with completely insane Kristen. But now that she is one of the more stable people on the show and kind of a cunt in a non-crazy way, I’m not sure how to deal with it all and I’m thrilled to have the fabulous Lady Cocotte break it all down for us. Don’t miss her recaps here. She gets all the names right and spells properly and ERRYTHANG! I’ll probably watch it right after this as I am SO ass backwards on my days and nights.
James is second chair on the night of his own show after Bridget Everett, who Google informs me is a standup comedian from NYC. #ShadeAllAround But hey, James should never have been allowed back after his last drunken appearance. He looks semi-sober so far tonight. There is a very famous DJ Steve Aoki as the bartender. I don’t understand how being a DJ became such a big deal. I mean back in the day when I was going home with them at the end of the night… oh never mind. I’m just saying these days they just press play, no? I dunno. It seems like if Paris Hilton can mash the button…
In a poll asking “Would you rather be Tom’s groomsman or Katie’s bridesmaid?” 94% say groomsman. Shocker.
The Jax and James drama seems very real. Jax was tweeting that James ran off like a little girl. James says that Jax threw a drink at him and he threw it back. Then Jax slipped and fell in the puddle chasing after him and security held him down. James says he did not get thrown out but security was trying to get him to safety. Now I am definitely staying up to watch this show. Please throw all of you show comments over to Lady C who did the recap!
James pageant queen girlfriend is there with him in the audience. So of course Andy asks if we think James slept with GG and Ellie. 94% say yes.
James says he is not completely sober. Andy says he was drinking an Arnold Palmer (tea and lemonade) previously. James says he is sober until he gets through “this.”
A tweeter asks if he thought it was okay his mom wished Kristen to be barren. James says no, obviously it was not a very nice thing to say but she’s my mother and she defends me and I love her. I find it hysterical that people worry that other people can wish for someone to be barren or die in a fire or whatever awful thing they can wish for and it will happen, I don’t think James’ mom has a voodoo doll at home where she is casting spells for Kristen to never reproduce (although…) people today don’t seem to understand “expressions”, “idioms” and such are just verbalizations of dislike for someone in the moment. I mean when I tell some to eat shit and die, I don’t literally except them to start hunting for human excrement.
So if James misbehaves, then Bridget (who is quite delightful by the way) was supposed to get to clobber him over the head with one of the fake stage bottles. But since he’s been so well behaved, she hasn’t had a chance to. So she asks Andy if every time we here Kristen says “suck a dick” which is our verbal cue to drink instead of a word tonight she is supposed to get to hit him. I love her because she clearly is chomping at the bit to do it so Andy hands her a fake bottle. It of course does not really hurt James much but James clearly used 3 jars of gel and spent HOURS to get his hair into whatever the young boys thinks girls like these days. So he NOT pleased. To make matter worse, she brushed all the fake glass off his head and then deliberately set about trying to mess it up.
And I thought had nothing to say about this show…
Chrissy Teigen calls in live to ask James, “Who Lala is boning?” and John Legend is on the phone as well. OH. MY. GAWD. Fuck James in the ass for being sober. James asks Andy if he is allowed to give out names and he says NO. WHY ANDREW WHY? At any rate, James just confirmed that Lala’s sugar daddy is in fact a Hollywood producer. Which means the rumors that she’s been dating married man named Randall Emmett are true. I’m a bit confused about why they were at Mr. Chow together when this photos was taken. Sine he is married and they have a child. However, the wife seems to also be on the prowl so perhaps they have an arrangement. There have been rumors about these two dating since January of 2016, but Lala kept trying to make up think it was an NFL player. Now it’s been inadvently confirmed by Chrissy Teigen with a John Legend assist!
Chrissy LOVES James. Both Chrissy and John call him the white Kanye. This bodes well for James’ next contract. Or spin off.
Apparently, that Summer House show is still on.
Who’d you rather? Jax 73%. Bridget chose James because he was sitting there I think if I had a gun to my head making me sleep with one or the other I’d go with James just because he’s a lot younger and Jax proably has more STDs.
Kristen said “suck a dick” and apparently in the commercial break James called off the whole bottle hitting thing. Because, hairdo. I would never want a guy who was obsessed with his hair and put a lot of crap in it. Hair is for pulling.
James is asked if he regrets the way he treated Sandoval now that he has seen the show. He says he totally does. He definitely went red when that was all happening.
James was asked about the tabloid stories about all of George Michael’s god children getting large inheritances. He says he has not heard a thing about such a situation. It’s just tabloids talking as far as he knows. Andy asks when he last had any communication. He says when he was around 10 or 12. I think this conversation should be off limits. It’s disrespectful.
James is asked about his relationship with Lala. He says, “HONESTLY (I do not like when men preface things with that word) we’re best mates. I kick it with her all the time at her apartment.” I have a feeling she is going to be pretty pissed that he fucked up her sugar daddy relationship on live TV tonight.
Andy asks if he feels bad that he trashed her to the vipers on the show. James said it’s hard when you are in the moment and Lala is not answering your texts. He says he just fell for it. The girls tricked him.
Suddenly Bridget wants to hit James with a bottle and Andy says he is being good. Then she accidentally curses and hits herself over the head. I’m not really sure whether Bridget hates or loves James.
The show ended with DJ James Kennedy, being introduced as the black Kanye. He rapped. It didn’t suck. I’m kind of moving toward kinda liking James. Sorry. Not Sorry.