Things are starting to get spicy on Vanderpump Rules! Sandoval called Jax out on his alleged Gay for Pay past and Brittany and her mom are having a homophobic meltdown. James cheated on his girlfriend with several of LVP’s employees. Lala leaving the show has left the mean girls in need a new target so they’ve made it their mission to take him down. And Ariana doesn’t give a f**k about Stassi Schroeder. We’re heading towards a cage match between Miss “Too Cool For School” and the Swedish Meatball and I, for one, couldn’t be happier.
Tom Sandoval and Ariana visit Villa Blanca to
give them so camera time teach their bartender the Sur-tini and the Pump and Glory. They talk about James Kennedy. Sandoval is taking him to hypnotherapy with deal with his anger. Lisa isn’t impressed. She prefers the “loser James” storyline.
Across town, James has lunch with his mother. I wonder who’s paying for it? They both pretend like they’re not drinking. His mother is very concerned that he’s not working for Lisa Vanderpump anymore. She can’t say it on camera but her fear is he’ll lose his job on the show. #Momager. He tries to make his new “residency” sound legit. He’s even going to do a live performance where he raps. It’s going to be such a train wreck. I can’t wait! His mother loves his new girlfriend, Raquel. When he tells her that Kristen is spreading
truths rumors that he cheated, his mom says Kristen’s karma will be she won’t be able to have kids. “She’s probably barren.” Mother of the year.
Brittany’s mom is packing to go home. Ugh. Send her packing already! But before she goes she needs to talk to Jax about “being a homosexual.” Like I said, ugh. Jax gets defensive. He’s had to deny these
truths rumors too many times and he’s over it. Brittany accuses him of being rude to her mother. He gets frustrated and storms out of the house. The Kentuckians wonder if it’s something they said. This turns into a huge fight between Jax and Brittany. Jax blames it on the other girls rubbing off on her. You know, feminism and stuff. Brittany’s mom recommends they go to church. He agrees just to shut her up.
Lisa, Katie and Peter pretend to paint the VIP room. Katie complains about Scheana. Lisa cautions her to oversee her bridesmaids more. This group needs it.
Tom Schwartz takes Sandoval, Ariana and Jax to get fitted for tuxes. Sandoval almost loses his mind when he finds out he can’t dress as nice as Schwartz. He starts to cry when he’s told he can’t wear a vest. Sigh.
The bridesmaids get together to plan the bachelorette party. Scheana hands Kristen a huge stack of cash in front of everyone. Drama queen. Stassi wants the party in New Orleans. No matter what anyone else says, it’s going to be in New Orleans. Scheana complains that it’s going to be all about Stassi since it’s her stomping grounds. Uh, duh. That’s why it’s happening there.
Katie takes Lisa to the flower shop so she can “curate” the wedding. They discuss how much she and Schwartz fight. Lisa is horrified. They’re going to have enough troubles from outside the relationship. They need to be a united front. Katie agrees but she doesn’t really understand what Lisa is telling her.
Tom Sandoval brings a hypnotherapist to James’ penthouse apartment
sleeping in some weird guys living room. He wants help proving to his audiences that he’s more than just a good looking British guy with great hair. Ugh.
Scheana watches Ariana ride a horse and my dog tries to attack it through the TV. Sandoval shows up to tell them that James really learned how to control his emotions through hypnotherapy. Scheana scoffs that some people use magic to better themselves while others just stop being assholes. Which are you, Scheana? Which are you? Sandoval mentions that Katie and Schwartz are at the lawyers signing their pre-nup. Scheana gets on her high horse. She doesn’t believe in pre-nups. “I married someone I trust.” Hmm, hope that worked out for you, sweetie.
At the lawyer’s office, Katie complains about the cost of the pre-nup. Now Tom can no longer complain about the wedding costs. The lawyer asks about their assets. They don’t have any. At least on film (we still think Schwartz has a trust fund). The lawyer actually laughs at them. At least they worked out custody of the dogs.
Scheana and Ellie (one of the girls James cheated with) work out a plan to ambush James and his girlfriend at his next show. Scheana literally cackles like a witch. Maybe someday she’ll decide to just stop being an asshole. At dinner Brittany tells Jax about the plan. He’s fully on board. She reminds him he’s still on probation. Foreshadowing.
The Toms (and Ariana and Katie) have a double date to drink and paint. Stassi decides to be the fifth wheel. Schwartz wants Stassi and Ariana to work things out but Ariana has no interest in coddling Stassi. Stassi plays the injured party. Katie accuses Ariana of not caring about her friends. Ariana points out that she does care about her friends but Stassi isn’t one of them. Katie and Stassi are gobsmacked. They’ve never met someone who didn’t want to be a part of their clique. Katie declares that this issue isn’t coming to New Orleans with them. Schwartz blurts out that Ariana is going to be hanging with the guys anyway which just angers Katie more. Nothing is resolved. Nothing is ever resolved.
Most of the cast shows up to James’ show. Sandoval is confused why Jax, Scheana and Kristen are there. Jax admits he has an interior motive (sic). What an idiot! James raps. It’s… interesting. Then Ellie and GG arrive. They head straight for Raquel. Raquel accuses GG of being obsessed with James. GG responds with, “Isn’t it, like, a quality of, like, a Miss California to be, like, feminism?” Well, isn’t it? Finally James leaves the stage and confronts his side pieces. GG hands James a bag with the clothes he lent her after she spent the night with him. James claims she not good looking enough for him to sleep with her and tells her to get her dumpy ass out of his face. GG slaps him.
Kristen calls Jax over to make sure he can see what’s going down. James rushes over to them and calls Kristen ugly. Carter calls him DJ Dipshit. But Jax always has to take things one step too far. He throws his drink on James and then lunges. Things get chaotic and Kristen gets James kicked out of the bar. When Sandoval checks on him, James gets in his face about being friends with them. I guess he thinks Tom brought them to the show. James’ mom pulls him away and Sandoval confronts Jax and Kristen. Kristen gets in Sandoval’s face for defending James. Yes folks, crazy Kristen is making a comeback! Jax tries to play innocent. I don’t know why he went crazy. What did I do? Once again, nothing gets resolved (other than James possibly getting fired).
Next week: Lisa Vanderpump lets the boys play dress up in her closet. James’ girlfriend questions his fidelity. The mean girls tag team Scheana (again). Katie throws a fit about about Ariana being in the wedding.