Vanderpump Rules is finally coming through. Last week we got Jax’s D and this week we get his roast. Oh yeah! This is what I signed up for. Sprinkle in some ridiculous friendship drama, a James Kennedy freak out and Ariana putting the beat down on Stassi, and I’m a happy girl. So bring it on, Monday night! I’m not skirred of you.
Scheana gets us started by complaining to Lisa Vanderpump. It seems Kristen and Stassi spent thousands of dollars on Katie’s bridal shower and just assumed Scheana would pay a third. Lisa warns her to keep it from Katie. She doesn’t need her magical moment tainted by drama. Uh, Lisa, have you met Katie? Drama, and an excuse to pick on Scheana, is what she lives for.
Tom Sandoval is throwing a fun-rager for his birthday. It should be fund-rager since it’s a fundraiser but Sandoval isn’t the sharpest tool in the shed so he’s going with fun-rager. He shaves his forehead while he waits for his braid guy to arrive. I kid you not. He has a braid guy. Ugh, hipsters.
We find out that Katie got drunk at her bridal shower and went all Tequila Katie on Schwartz. Run, dude. Run. He tries to confront her (therapy is working, y’all) but she whines and screams. She absolutely refuses to take even an ounce of responsibility. Out of frustration he calls her a bitch. She doesn’t like that. As she drives away, leaving him stranded at the side of the road, she yells out, “If I’m such a bitch, then I’ll be a bitch.” Touché.
Everyone shows up for Sandoval’s birthday because, production. Scheana tells James and his girlfriend she’s glad to see they’re still together, considering. Considering? “Oh, you don’t know? About Ellie?” Biiiiitch. James’ girlfriend keeps a pageant smile pasted on her face. I don’t know how she does it. Then Scheana tells them Ellie has a picture of them in bed from March. James calls her a DJ groupie and his gf tries to justify it with some nonsense about selfies. Scheana just stares them down with an evil grin before running over to the mean girls to report.
Jax tries to make a donation to the fun-rager and his card is declined. In front of Brittany’s mom. Awkward. But Brittany saves the day. “I’m sorry but your card got declined and mine went through. Now make me a sandwich!”
LVP asks Ariana and Sandoval if Lala is coming (she’s isn’t). She hasn’t been showing up to work and Lisa is disappointed.
Katie tells Lisa about her most recent fight with Schwartz. Lisa reminds her that she’s getting married in a few weeks and needs to work on her relationship. Katie assures her it’s all fine. She only drove a block before Schwartz called her and took full responsibility for her Tequila Katie breakdown. I just can’t with these two.
Scheana confides to Ariana that things aren’t perfect chez Shay. She can’t tell the other girls because they’ll throw it in her face the next time they get drunk. At the same time, a few tables away, the mean girls bitch about Scheana. #Friendship.
Sandoval’s fun-rager raises $8,600 for kids in Haiti. Good on them.
DJ James Kennedy starts his “residency” at an empty bar. Max shows up because he’s one of the few people willing to film with James. James tells him about Scheana’s bitchery. Max has heard too many of James’ hate-filled rants to take it seriously. He actually yawns. Max is probably the sanest one on this show, which is why he’s not a full cast member.
After being told by both LVP and Stassi to not tell Katie about the bridal shower money drama, Scheana tells Katie about the bridal shower money drama. Katie is pissed. She doesn’t want to know how much they spent. She doesn’t want to listen to Scheana complain. But she loves an excuse to be a bitch. Who wants to bet she’s going to milk this one for all it’s worth?
Jax has a birthday dinner with Brittany and her mom. He tries to prepare them for the roast. He assures them he’s never killed anybody but that’s about the best he can say. Brittany is pretty sure her mom can handle it. Hey. The woman’s been watching VPR for years. She should know who she’s dealing with by now.
Sandoval visits Scheana under the guise of working on their roast material but it’s really to bitch about the mean girls. Scheana asks Sandoval if he thinks Katie has a drinking problem. Uh oh. We’ve seen how this goes down on Housewives shows. I don’t foresee Tequila Katie handling it any better.
And then Stassi and Katie visit a pot shop. Katie tells Stassi that Scheana spilled the beans about the bridal shower. They’re horrified. Aghast! What a horrible person. She shouldn’t even be a bridesmaid…
Kristen helps Brittany with her roast jokes. Scheana texts Brittany to warn her that Sandoval is going to talk about Jax’s rumor about Brittany and Kristen. Naturally her mom wants to know what they’re talking about. She’s understandably horrified. Close to tears. Sigh.
Finally we get the roast. Kristen is the emcee. She apologizes to Brittany’s mom in advance. Yeah. When introducing Ariana she makes a joke about them sleeping with the same guy. Ariana ad libs back, “You might want to wipe your mouth. There’s still a little bullshit on the corner.” Point Ariana. Scheana rips on Jax for his malapropisms. Shay points out that he’s no longer the fattest guy in the group (nice). Sandoval brings up that for Jax it’s always allergy season. He tells a story of Jax exclaiming, “I can’t feel my teeth!” I hope someone explains all of the coke jokes to Brittany’s mom.
Stassi brings out some Crystal, a sandwich, her Miu Miu purse and her trust and innocence. What do they all have in common? Stolen! LVP sends a video asking for all of the stuff Jax has stolen from Sur back and a request that he no longer post pictures of his genitalia online. Brittany tells him he stole her heart just like he stole her a pair of sunglasses. Schwartz did the math. If you’re one of Katie’s bridesmaids, there’s a 57% chance you slept with Jax. “I mean, he’s slept with many, many, many women. And a few men.” Brittany covers her mom’s ears. Too late, sweetie. Too late.
They cut it out but apparently Sandoval did say something about Kristen and Brittany. Kristen flips out on him about it. We get a little moment of crazy Kristen. It just makes me miss her more.
Jax asks Brittany’s mom if she’s okay with everything she heard. The only thing that bothered her was the gay stuff. Even Jax is shocked that that is what she considers the worst. What bothers me the most is agreeing with Jax.
Next week: The guys (and Ariana) get fitted for tuxes. The tux salesman implies that Jax is fat. Stassi and Ariana fight at a drunken painting event. The Kentuckians grill Jax about being gay. Scheana and Ellie ambush James at his DJ gig about cheating. A riot ensues.
Tequila Katie thinks pot will cure her malicious behavior!
It might if (1) she gave up drinking so much and (2) she wasn’t also vicious when not drinking. LOL
Yeah I never understood that. “Oh, I may have a drinking problem. Drugs will sort that out.” WTF??
I had the brilliant idea to do that in my 20’s, except the reverse, I quit pot and started drinking…didn’t work so well for me, I wound up in AA.. Lol. Still sitting there 24 years later.
Maybe Katie will have better luck.
Having been a bridesmaid mmmaaannnnyyyyyyy times, and recently a bride, I can see both points on this but Shaena was way wrong. I get her frustration, I had to pay a lot for bullshit too without being given a choice, but it really is wrong to tell the bride. That said, Katie is getting married, not curing cancer. Get the fuck over yourself – none of it matters.
This was one Tom/Katie fight, though, that unless I missed something – kind of sounds like she may have been right to be pissed. It sounded like they were both drunk and he didn’t want to help with unloading gifts. That’s a total dick move and if I understood correctly, she was totally right.
And props to bravo for finally showing an alternative to alcohol! I have a tendency to overdo it on the booze and I got a pot card a couple of years ago – it’s made a world of difference. It’s high ?Time we started showing it more.
I, too, was team jax with mom-tucky – that’s what you’re most concerned about??? Really???
I was oddly team Katie/jax this time. Weird.
Scheana was just plain wrong. I actually felt bad for Katie in that scene. What struck me most was Scheana whining that everything is all about Katie and NOT about Scheana. Didn’t she have her wedding and wasn’t everything all about her then? She truly is very self centered and that will not serve her well in life.
Tell me about these pot cards. Is it a California thing? I suffer terribly from migraines and have been told pot may help. I probably can’t use it anyway since my job forbids it.
Mary – I used to suffer from horrible migraines and someone told me to smoke a joint. HUGE mistake. At least for me it was. I realized it was part hormonal/part food related. (Processed meats, cheese and even chocolate.) In all fairness, I’m all about the Ganga. Docs want me on pain meds for the rest of my life following a bad mva. Screw that. Weed helps more than any of that crap ever did.
Mary-In California, in order to purchase medical marijuana you need a card from a doctor saying that whatever is wrong with you, pot will help. Californians legalized the recreational use of pot in the 11/2016 election. However the infrastructure to implement it will not be in place until 2018 (it will be taxed). Until then you need the card. If your doctor will not authorize it, there are of course doctors that see you for a few mins. then issue you the card. Check the internet.
The Taco Bell shower cost thousands? Really? Storyline. They showed the logo, so the Pumpsters didn’t have to pay for that. Also, it’s tacky to tell the bride to be about shower expenses. And Brittany must want to be on tv soooo bad. Their relationship is pure humiliation.
The Taco Bell shower cost thousands? Really? Storyline. They showed the logo, so the Pumpsters didn’t have to pay for that. Also, it’s tacky to tell the bride to be about shower expenses. And Brittany must want to be on tv soooo bad. Their relationship is pure humiliation.
Agreed. Beyond tacky including the bride in financial squabbles over the wedding/shower. That shit should be kept between bridesmaids and they definitely should not have incurred huge expenses without discussing the costs with each other. I’d be pissed if they blew up the budget and didn’t discuss it with me first.
That being said, Scheana’s dead wrong to go complain to Katie. Way to make her feel bad for something she had no control over.
I’ve been involved in many wedding situations where there were issues with the bridesmaids, families, etc. You just deal with them and keep the problems out of bride’s hair as much as possible.
Jan seemed genuinely surprised by Shay’s weight comment.
He was attractive the first season. Since then I’ve been getting the 1970’s Elvis vibe from him. Bloated, greasy, sweaty and popping out of the jumpsuit.
Must be all those sandwiches Brittany supposedly ISN’T making for him lol
She keeps making roast beef instead of turkey!!!
First world problems lol
Loving the cameraman shade of continuous close up shots to the picture of pictures of Jax looking crazy from Miami.
Even better. And random. The close up shot of sadface Schwartz leaning on a stop sign after Katie drives away!
Great recap as always, Lady C! Scheana was wrong to tell Katie and the other 2 were wrong not to discuss it with Scheana first. When I was a bride I knew that the participants were of varying incomes and honestly, I left damn near everything, including the colors, to my bridesmaids. They worked well together and I actually had a beautiful and elegant wedding. (Of course the marriage was over before it even started, much like Katie and Schwa’s perhaps…)
I like Scheana sometimes (the other women are horrible) but she really can come across as a prissy and a Debbie Downer. it really was apparent in the Hamtons;” I don’t want to do shots or try crabs, I need a straw with my wine” yada yada yada. I just wanted to yell at the screen, “Shut up!”
So, have we seen the last of Lala?
And it seems Scheana is already bored being fake married. It’s probably impacting her dating life way to much. I think this was the first time she has mentioned her marital problems. AKA the beginning of the end.
Could Katie be any more awful? Ever since she stood up to dictator Stassi her friends have been on pins and needles, kissing her butt so she doesn’t drop them again. She is the new Stassi! Poor Schwartz. She’s all about being right versus keeping the relationship. If you want a marriage to last you got to both own your crap! It’s a very humbling experience. I’m not sure if her ego can take it.
Now that’s how you roast a weinie and leave green beans Kentucky wondering about the pole.
I didn’t used to think Shay was attractive at all. He looks really good lately. Like night and day.
I may be in the minority here but I am so bored of the carefully constructed aloof, persona Ariana has created since she hooked up with Sandoval (gross btw) thus subsequently becoming a VPR cast member. Way back in the first seasons she smiled,laughed and flipped her extensions giving the cameraman the best b-roll shaking her martinis– this is when she was just sleeping with Sandoval while he had a gf (and yes I absolutely believe he cheated but since it wasn’t caught or admitted to on tv doesn’t mean it didn’t happen since she moved in the same week Kristen moved out). This couple tries soo hard to be contrarian ie.the RV, Ariana’s stringent views on improv etc.–yet are the first to befriend and gossip (after signing an NDA) with gems like Lala and James–and the worst of the bunch; Scheana- pathetically counting the number of calories in a bday shot for Stassi–Oozing desperation since–“im not the bride anymore so I’ll be a cheap ass bridesmaid, throw tantrums and start fights at any event not focused on me and only talk about myself and my feelings unless I’m needlessly accusing Katie of being an alcoholic so ill get more screen time Scheana. Calling Katie an alcoholic -bride to be or not- truly exposed Scheanas ignorance and her petty pathetic ways – and Tom and Ariana for not shutting that lie down immediately as the self described best friend- lost just as much credibility. Run Shay run!