Vanderpump Rules is finally coming through. Last week we got Jax’s D and this week we get his roast. Oh yeah! This is what I signed up for. Sprinkle in some ridiculous friendship drama, a James Kennedy freak out and Ariana putting the beat down on Stassi, and I’m a happy girl. So bring it on, Monday night! I’m not skirred of you.
Scheana gets us started by complaining to Lisa Vanderpump. It seems Kristen and Stassi spent thousands of dollars on Katie’s bridal shower and just assumed Scheana would pay a third. Lisa warns her to keep it from Katie. She doesn’t need her magical moment tainted by drama. Uh, Lisa, have you met Katie? Drama, and an excuse to pick on Scheana, is what she lives for.
Tom Sandoval is throwing a fun-rager for his birthday. It should be fund-rager since it’s a fundraiser but Sandoval isn’t the sharpest tool in the shed so he’s going with fun-rager. He shaves his forehead while he waits for his braid guy to arrive. I kid you not. He has a braid guy. Ugh, hipsters.
We find out that Katie got drunk at her bridal shower and went all Tequila Katie on Schwartz. Run, dude. Run. He tries to confront her (therapy is working, y’all) but she whines and screams. She absolutely refuses to take even an ounce of responsibility. Out of frustration he calls her a bitch. She doesn’t like that. As she drives away, leaving him stranded at the side of the road, she yells out, “If I’m such a bitch, then I’ll be a bitch.” Touché.
Everyone shows up for Sandoval’s birthday because, production. Scheana tells James and his girlfriend she’s glad to see they’re still together, considering. Considering? “Oh, you don’t know? About Ellie?” Biiiiitch. James’ girlfriend keeps a pageant smile pasted on her face. I don’t know how she does it. Then Scheana tells them Ellie has a picture of them in bed from March. James calls her a DJ groupie and his gf tries to justify it with some nonsense about selfies. Scheana just stares them down with an evil grin before running over to the mean girls to report.
Jax tries to make a donation to the fun-rager and his card is declined. In front of Brittany’s mom. Awkward. But Brittany saves the day. “I’m sorry but your card got declined and mine went through. Now make me a sandwich!”
LVP asks Ariana and Sandoval if Lala is coming (she’s isn’t). She hasn’t been showing up to work and Lisa is disappointed.
Katie tells Lisa about her most recent fight with Schwartz. Lisa reminds her that she’s getting married in a few weeks and needs to work on her relationship. Katie assures her it’s all fine. She only drove a block before Schwartz called her and took full responsibility for her Tequila Katie breakdown. I just can’t with these two.
Scheana confides to Ariana that things aren’t perfect chez Shay. She can’t tell the other girls because they’ll throw it in her face the next time they get drunk. At the same time, a few tables away, the mean girls bitch about Scheana. #Friendship.
Sandoval’s fun-rager raises $8,600 for kids in Haiti. Good on them.
DJ James Kennedy starts his “residency” at an empty bar. Max shows up because he’s one of the few people willing to film with James. James tells him about Scheana’s bitchery. Max has heard too many of James’ hate-filled rants to take it seriously. He actually yawns. Max is probably the sanest one on this show, which is why he’s not a full cast member.
After being told by both LVP and Stassi to not tell Katie about the bridal shower money drama, Scheana tells Katie about the bridal shower money drama. Katie is pissed. She doesn’t want to know how much they spent. She doesn’t want to listen to Scheana complain. But she loves an excuse to be a bitch. Who wants to bet she’s going to milk this one for all it’s worth?
Jax has a birthday dinner with Brittany and her mom. He tries to prepare them for the roast. He assures them he’s never killed anybody but that’s about the best he can say. Brittany is pretty sure her mom can handle it. Hey. The woman’s been watching VPR for years. She should know who she’s dealing with by now.
Sandoval visits Scheana under the guise of working on their roast material but it’s really to bitch about the mean girls. Scheana asks Sandoval if he thinks Katie has a drinking problem. Uh oh. We’ve seen how this goes down on Housewives shows. I don’t foresee Tequila Katie handling it any better.
And then Stassi and Katie visit a pot shop. Katie tells Stassi that Scheana spilled the beans about the bridal shower. They’re horrified. Aghast! What a horrible person. She shouldn’t even be a bridesmaid…
Kristen helps Brittany with her roast jokes. Scheana texts Brittany to warn her that Sandoval is going to talk about Jax’s rumor about Brittany and Kristen. Naturally her mom wants to know what they’re talking about. She’s understandably horrified. Close to tears. Sigh.
Finally we get the roast. Kristen is the emcee. She apologizes to Brittany’s mom in advance. Yeah. When introducing Ariana she makes a joke about them sleeping with the same guy. Ariana ad libs back, “You might want to wipe your mouth. There’s still a little bullshit on the corner.” Point Ariana. Scheana rips on Jax for his malapropisms. Shay points out that he’s no longer the fattest guy in the group (nice). Sandoval brings up that for Jax it’s always allergy season. He tells a story of Jax exclaiming, “I can’t feel my teeth!” I hope someone explains all of the coke jokes to Brittany’s mom.
Stassi brings out some Crystal, a sandwich, her Miu Miu purse and her trust and innocence. What do they all have in common? Stolen! LVP sends a video asking for all of the stuff Jax has stolen from Sur back and a request that he no longer post pictures of his genitalia online. Brittany tells him he stole her heart just like he stole her a pair of sunglasses. Schwartz did the math. If you’re one of Katie’s bridesmaids, there’s a 57% chance you slept with Jax. “I mean, he’s slept with many, many, many women. And a few men.” Brittany covers her mom’s ears. Too late, sweetie. Too late.
They cut it out but apparently Sandoval did say something about Kristen and Brittany. Kristen flips out on him about it. We get a little moment of crazy Kristen. It just makes me miss her more.
Jax asks Brittany’s mom if she’s okay with everything she heard. The only thing that bothered her was the gay stuff. Even Jax is shocked that that is what she considers the worst. What bothers me the most is agreeing with Jax.
Next week: The guys (and Ariana) get fitted for tuxes. The tux salesman implies that Jax is fat. Stassi and Ariana fight at a drunken painting event. The Kentuckians grill Jax about being gay. Scheana and Ellie ambush James at his DJ gig about cheating. A riot ensues.