We survived last week’s Summer House promo Vanderpump Rules birthday extravaganza so I’m looking forward to getting back to our regular LA famewhoring. I’m sick of Montauk, I’m sick of Nascar. I’m sick of overgrown frat boys, I’m sick of that stinky RV. I’ve never missed Sur so much. It’s gotten so bad I’m even wondering what Peter and his Everybody Loves Raymond voice are up to. I’m going back to Cali, Cali, Cali. I’m going back to Cali…
Right off the bat we get a fake scene of Katie and Schwartz telling Lisa Vanderpump all about their respective vacays but it’s just a cover for showing off LVP’s dog fashion line (advertising by Bravo). Sigh. And, it gets better. We find out that Katie is having her bridal shower this week. Finally, a wedding event that’s all about Katie (unlike all the other wedding events we’ll have to endure). Double sigh. At least we’ll also get a Kristen comedy show and probably some Ariana scorn (because she takes sketch comedy very seriously).
Sandoval and Ariana confront Lala over ghosting out on the Nascar trip. She sticks to her story that she flaked because she doesn’t want to be around Jax (although she loves them to bits). Sandoval isn’t buying it. Just the day before they left she told them she was looking forward to it. Lala goes on the defensive but Sandoval doubles down. Lala may have alienated her last friends at Sur. And then Scheana jumps in because, bitch. Oh, and “she’s my best friend.” Lala realizes she’s outnumbered and flees. Drama!
Production bought Kristen time on the mainstage at the Improv for her sketch comedy troupe. I’m so excited! The whole crew (minus Sandoval and Ariana) sit in the front row. I wonder how they managed that? Kristen opens the show. Her first joke doesn’t get a single laugh. Then her friends remember to follow their scripts and hilarity ensues. Sure, every once in a while someone forgets they’re on camera and grimaces in pain, but other that that it’s a laugh riot. The comediennes do a sketch about dick pics and the girls notice something familiar. Kristen used a pic of Jax’s dick as her prop! Oops. Even Brittany sees the resemblance. Jason Cauchi’s first instinct is to lie (always) so he assures her it’s not him. But it is, and they all know it. Brittany confronts Kristen about not getting a heads up. Kristen claims it’s too hard to find a dick pic online so was forced to use it. It’s not her fault, guys!
The next day Kristen and Stassi visit Brittany to listen to Jax on Stassi’s podcast. Jax tells Kristen he has a bone to pick with her (I love all of the inadvertent puns this storyline brings). Kristen says using Jax’s D was a last minute choice like that makes a difference. Brittany is actually hurt over the lack of respect, especially since two of the comediennes (Kristen and Rachel) slept with Jax in the past. Stassi, another cast member who slept with Jax, doesn’t like that she’s not involved in the drama. Wasn’t this scene supposed to be about her podcast? Kristen is over the whole thing. She thinks using Jax was funny. I mean, who hasn’t see Jax’s dick at this point? I hate to say it, but I’m with Kristen on this one. It was the best joke in her show.
Moving on, they gossip about Lala. Kristen thinks the only good that can come from having James Kennedy on VPR would be a Lala takedown. Jax is downright giddy at the idea of them tearing into each other. Stassi, still annoyed that she’s not the star of the scene, suggests they sit James down and tell him Lala’s been talking shit about him. Wind him up and watch him go! All’s fair in love and slut shaming.
Speaking of the untouchables, Lala visits James at his posh Hollywood penthouse (ie: crashing in some random guy’s living room). James isn’t drinking and Lala supports his sobriety like a good friend gives him a hard time about it. He asks about the Nascar trip. She regrets nothing (non, rien de rien). Instead she spent the weekend at the Beverly Hills Hotel. That her mom paid for. He calls her a liar. He’s so ready to turn on her. Pumped and primed. Lala either doesn’t notice or decides to ignore it since he’s all she has left. She invites him to Malibu in a helicopter. He asks her who’s paying for it. She doesn’t understand why everyone keeps counting her coins. As she explains, any semi-good looking girl with tits can get a ride on a private plane. That’s is just how things are done in LA.
Kristen and Stassi ask to see James. Kristen is dreading it but if it means screwing over Lala it’s totally worth it. Bitches. It’s super awkward when he gets there until Kristen blurts out that she “knows for a fact” that Lala does nothing but talk shit about James. James is shocked. And he quickly opens the vault. He shows them a confidentiality agreement Lala’s boyfriend gave him. James claims he never signed it but thinks Sandoval and Ariana did. Now the bitches have new targets. Well played, DJ James Kennedy. This is the first (and probably last) time you’ve impressed me.
Brittany’s mom is visiting from Kentucky. She reminds me of the overly tan lady from There’s Something About Mary. I’m judging her big time based solely on her looks (sorry not sorry). She asks Jax if he’s found a church yet and he hilariously describes Catholic mass like he’s an alien that’s never seen humans before. She’s very religious but she also supports her daughter dating man-slut Jax Taylor. I’d understand if she’d never seen VPR but Brittany told us she’s been a fan of the show since the beginning. Isn’t that special?
The bridesmaids are going all out for Katie’s bridal shower. They rented a mansion, put their lives on hold and bought $200 worth of Taco Bell. Oh, what I wouldn’t give to see Lisa Vanderpump eat a chalupa! The bitches tell Scheana about Lala’s NDA and she audibly gasps. The horror! But she refuses to believe that Sandoval and Ariana signed it. You know, because she’s best friends with Ariana again. Detective Stassi isn’t letting that stop her. She’s determined to ferret out the truth or at least the “truth.”
Brittany’s mom is pressuring Jax to marry her daughter. Ugh. I’m already dreading this spinoff.
Stassi is pissed that groomswoman Ariana is at the bridal shower. “Katie didn’t want you here. She didn’t want you here 0% and you’re here 100%.” Sure, Scheana’s mom is welcome but not Ariana. Bitch.
The men hide out at a Mexican restaurant. Jax won’t stop complaining about Brittany. Schwartz explains that he doesn’t like marriage but he wants Katie to be happy. #TrueLove.
Lisa is flabbergasted that Brittany’s mom wants Jax to marry Brittany. She warns the Kentucky contingent that he’s a dirty dog. They need to get him out of jail in order to get him to church. Amen. Then she whips out her gift for Katie, a sex doll called “Katie Cougar.” Katie points out that Schwartz will love it. The doll looks like a combination of her and LVP.
Stassi tells Katie and Ariana about Lala’s NDA. Ariana denies knowing anything about it. Stassi points out her fidgeting as “proof” that she’s lying. Now she “knows for a fact” that Ariana signed it. Tequila Katie makes a quick appearance and goes in on Ariana for supporting Lala even though she was horrible to Katie. Horrible! To Katie! Ariana stays calm. She hopes if she stays still enough, Katie will forget she’s there. Then suddenly they’re talking about who was worse to who, Kristen or Ariana. I’m confused about how this relates to Lala. Whatever. Just turn off your brain and enjoy the adults acting like children. Ahhhh…
We don’t get a preview for next week. Instead, we get a preview for the rest of the season. The girls have strippers at the bachelorette party. The boys dress in drag. Stassi and Peter make out. Stassi tries to come for Ariana again but Ariana is too cool to care. Katie cries that Ariana is going to be in her wedding. James lies to his girlfriend about being faithful and it blows up in his face. Jax gets roasted. Brittany’s mom asks him about the gay rumors. Katie uses her wedding as leverage against her friends. Tequila Katie rages out. Sandoval calls Schwartz a battered wife. Lisa Vanderpump is forced to get involved. Dun dun dun dun.
My random thoughts:
1. Kristen is TERRIBLE at comedy.
2. Using your friends penis/friend’s boyfriend’s penis/the guy you cheated on your boyfriend’s penis is disgusting and reprehensible. I don’t care if Jax has shown it to the entire god damn universe, IT IS HIS PENIS.
HIS BODY, HIS CHOICE.
Seriously, the hypocrisy of it enrages me. Considering a story line in the past was that we were to feel sympathetic towards Stassi b/c an ex was showing around her tits, it is REALLY disgusting.
3. Seriously Lisa? At that type of shower? Disgusting.
Again, I may be projecting. I once threw a shower. The “bridesmaids” were supposedly going to help me, but my mom and I did it all. The bride and the brides mom (whom I adored) both wanted it to be the “elegant” shower as this was the one with all the mom’s friends, aunties, etc. I told every single one of them this – save it for the actual bachelorette party/wedding – the wedding was in Vegas, so there was PLENTY of time for that kind of shit. Their ONLY contribution? A GIANT PENIS CAKE. I refused to take it out of the box, or serve it, and since those lazy cunts didnt even offer to clear the table, it didn’t get served.
Luckily all the more conservative older ladies knew I was NOT part of it… so it backfired on them.
4. I get the “what about Kristen” comparison. I don’t believe that Ariana stole Tom – Kristen cheated on him with Jax well before that. Kristen was HORRIBLE to Ariana, as they claim Lala was to Katie. Katie is blaming Lala for her insecurity – maybe if she gave it up to “Bubba” once in a while, she wouldn’t worry about his looking at Lala’s tatas.
Kristen and Tom cheated on each other constantly. When you listen to them list the amount of time each of them cheated on each other, you have to wonder how long they were actually in a good relationship. I find it so funny they are still talking about the worst relationship on earth years later. But, I guess that’s part of the job, huh?
Right – so why did Kristen get a pass from everyone for tormenting Ariana for “stealing Tom” or whatever other nonsense she came up with.
Oh, one more think. Booo fucking who that she couldn’t find a dick pic. Go on Craigslist…. there are plenty there!
Love that Ariana put that bitch in her place. Oh, PumpRules. The constant lack of self-reflection and narcissism keeps me watching. Don’t feel the need to root for any of these people, just watch to laugh at the pettiness and hypocrisy.
The best part of that entire night is Arianna telling Stassi she didon’t give an Fuck about her!! Ahhh yes..love it!
Lady C, I love your recaps.
Lady C., thanks for the recap. That was one sorry ass bridal shower with Taco Bell! Britany is an embarrassment to all womankind. She doesn’t respect herself so why should anyone else.
Absolutely insane that the girls thought nothing of using brittany’s bf’s dick pic in their public show. Right. You thought that was fine? Way to disrespect Brittany and Jax, both.
There really is no excuse for that.
Thank you for the fine recap Lady C. I still don’t know why Stassi is back on the show, she is horrid. I will miss Lala, her life off the show is none of the others business. The gift LVP brought to the shower was horrible,inappropriate and trashy. British humor I suppose. My favorite part was Ariana putting egotistical Stassi in her place. Kentucky and her mom are getting old fast. You can always count on Jax being an azz.
The one that bothers me the most is Cow Katie. She is distractingly unattractive and the cow ring thru her nose makes her heifer resemblance spot on!!! Hopefully someone will use the ring to lead her fatness to slaughter.
Oh come on…she is not a nice person, but fat shaming is no better than slut shaming.
MAGDA from There’s Something About Mary. I laughed so hard. Spot on accurate.
Why would LVP bring that thing unless it was a joke about those two never having sex?
These kids are around 30 and act like morons.
I loved Katie telling LVP she has never received a dick picture ! No man would send that emasuclating guttersnipe a photo of his nether regions unless he desired to be castrated. Tequila Katie is a despicable person.
Brittany’s mom reminds me of a typical pageant mom. Just an observation.
The d pic was inappropriate and I understand Britney being upset. What does she expect when all of her friends have slept with her man? The dynamic is very odd.
I actually kind of like this show again. Probably because I don’t have to recap it and instead can watch it the next day due to all that is on Monday nights.
I am thinking about breaking up with Kristen. I loved super duper crazy Kristen, but this Kristen and I are not working. That comedy routine was Reza Farahan bad.
I kind of want to get back together with Ariana. I actually liked her at first and then had to dump her for upsetting my fav at the time Kristen. But her bitch attitude telling Stassi, ” I really don’t care about you.” Well, I think this means we are getting back together.
Are you sitting down? I think I might like Ariana more than Kristen this season.
Flip flopper! 🙂
TT, I had a very similar reaction after watching on Monday. What in the world is happening?
How did you feel about the scene with James, Kristen, and Stassi?
Arriana successfully made Stassi retreat & left her speechless. Impressive.
I still love how they cut away to Kristen grinning like an evil villain whenever someone is talking about her…
However I concur. Stassi had no idea what to do! Go boring Ariana!
I know I am in the minority but I do not care for LaLa, never really have. James, despite his flaws has been a decent friend to her and her callous attitude about his sobriety was telling. SHE wanted to drink and have fun, so fuck him and his attempt to be sober. Just did not sit well with me.
Her proclamation about how LA works is ridiculous, I have lived here all my life, I partied with the best of them back in the day, I’ve known my share of very wealthy people over the years. None of them take helicopters to Malibu and fly private jets constantly, unless they are from a wealthy family or have their own money. Men who provide that kind of lifestyle for a woman expect something back for it, weather it be for themselves or one of their entourage. Nothing is free.
I was pretty shocked at the lack of “fight” in Stassi when Arianna told her she just did not give a fuck about her. She just ran away like a little girl. Stassi’s attempt to sanitize Kristen’s past behavior towards Arianna? delusional. Kristen was awful to Arianna when she was first with Schwartz. Oh well….it looks like it may end up being a decent season after all, given the previews. In the first few episodes it didn’t look promising.
Thank you Lady C for another fun and well written recap!!
Wow, this recap was absolutely frigging hysterical. thank you , thank you and THANK YOU…lady c…
Ahh hahhahhhahahda
I still have trouble believing these females are adults, they behave worse than my 7th grader. Ariana may not be the fav and may seem a depressing bitch to some but to me she is the one who rises above the other females childish antics. How I didn’t miss Stassi’s nasty control bitch shit…
Van Gogh? Try an hide one in a Georgia O’keeffe.
When Ariana told Stassi “I don’t give a fuck about you” Mics dropped everywhere…. Best line of the episode! ..lol I was always an Ariana fan and now she has become my favorite! It is fun to watch the one who is not or will not be intimidated by the 3 witches of WeHo and I can’ wait to see more.
I also was a diehard Kristen fan until last night, that was a dick move (pun intended) to do that in front of Brittany. That girl gets humiliated enough from Jax on the daily. Seriously, has there ever been an episode where Jax has not embarrassed her, made her cry or we see her apologizing for him in an interview chair? Brittany’s mom needs to watch the show, get a clue, and then drag her daughter back to Kentucky! I mean this woman wants them to get married! What am I missing here? Jax needs a trip to the barn back in Kentucky with her dad & brothers. Maybe we will see that on their spin-off by Bravo.
It sucks that Lala left the show for a man ….allegedly..#Sigh… I hope she surprises them at the reunion to defend herself and tell some of the secrets of those who spoke about her all season. Whatever are those 3 witches and Scheana going to talk about next season?
Thanks as always for a great re-cap Lady C.
Jax would LOVE to be in a barn back in Kentucky with her dad and her brothers.
That’s a money-making script right there.
Ariana’s “I don’t give a fuck about you” was a great line until I heard Kandi say, “piggyback the hell up” on tonight’s RHOA show. Personally, I don’t give ANY fucks about Stassi. She’s such a mean spirited bitch. But I guess that’s why she gets the big bucks.
On the other hand, I can’t wait to use “piggyback the fuck up” on the hubs! In a loving way, of course. Heheh