Tonight we get a two hour premiere of Summer House masquerading as an episode of Vanderpump Rules. Seriously, Bravo? Not only are you foisting this annoying show upon us but you’re besmirching the most important event of the year (ie: Stassi’s birthday) with your manipulations. Sigh. Who am I kidding? I’d most likely watch Summer House even if it wasn’t combined with my favorite show. But that doesn’t mean I have to be happy about it.
Last week we began the dueling birthdays with the mean girls (plus Scheana) in Montauk and the rest of the cast (minus an AWOL Lala) at Nascar. Hopefully tonight we can put this storyline to rest and get back to our regularly televised ridiculousness.
Stassi is bemoaning her single status. Katie tries to give her dating guidance by repeatedly reminding her to not be creepy. Always sound advice. We get a silly segment of the West Coast girls not understanding anything East Coast. And then Scheana starts whining. The mean girls don’t take it well. “Be you, just like a little less of it though.” More sound advice.
In Sonoma, the RV smells terrible. Too many farts in too small a space. Jax uses up all the hot water and yells at Brittany about it. I’d feel bad for her but she chooses this life for the perks, dubious as they are, so she can sleep in her fart filled bed for all I care.
Team Ariana hits the racetrack. They meet a famous driver and Tom Sandoval asks him to sign his flat iron. It’s a first for the driver. Tom Schwartz asks if anyone would be willing to show their boobs, you know, if need be. Jax covers Brittany’s mouth. He gets to make that decision for her. He bought the boobs, after all. Ariana is disgusted. She tells Brittany she’ll find her a new boyfriend. Brittany looks terrified. Too many words are swirling around. She doesn’t know who to nervously laugh at.
The Summer House crew invites Team Stassi to a clam bake. Scheana immediately refuses the lobster. According to the braintrust, you should never eat anything with claws. “I mean, are you going to eat a cat?” Stassi is not amused.
One of the Summer House boys flirts with Stassi but she’s still too wrapped up with her ex to be interested. Katie thinks she needs to sack up and move on. She gives Stassi the great advice to go for the douchiest boy at the party. Way to go, Katie. You’re quite a wing woman.
At dinner everyone gets on Jax for being an asshole to Brittany. He once again brings up that since he’s paying Brittany’s way, she should make him a sandwich or do his laundry from time to time. Brittany actually gets mad, not at what he’s saying but that he’s saying it in front of everyone. Jax gets pissed that she’s pissed. He thinks she changing being around all of these self-actualized LA women and he’s not happy about it. Before anyone can storm away from the table, talk turns to Lala. Not only did she flake on the birthday trip, she unfollowed Ariana on social media. So Ariana unfollows her. This is getting serious, folks.
Lala shows up at Sur to talk to Lisa. Lisa is annoyed that Lala asked for time off specifically to go on the trip and then didn’t go. Or so the storyline goes. Lala explains that she never wanted to go because she didn’t want to spend time with Jax. And then she breaks down about all the rumors about her. And then she quits. Lisa tells her to grow up and deal with it instead of cutting and running. Lala backtracks. “So I’m not quitting today, Lisa.” That’s sounds promising.
Team Stassi heads to the Summer House. The Douchelord practices Stassi’s name but can’t seem to get it right. That’s not going to go over very well. The girls are gobsmacked at the house. They compare it to Lisa Vanderpump’s house but that’s a bit of an overstatement. They all get into the pool and drink. Everyone is trying to push Stassi on the Douchelord but his game is pretty pathetic. Katie offers some more brilliant advice: Stassi should channe Lala. “I mean, this guy probably has some money. You never know.” You never know indeed.
Jax and Brittany have a heart to heart in the RV. She complains about his shitty attitude and he shrugs it off. “It happens. It’s just part of life.” She expresses that she doesn’t feel appreciated and he counters that he doesn’t always feel appreciated either. “Sometimes I ask for a turkey sandwich and I get ham.” Brittany tries to share her feelings and he shuts her down, again and again. And he won’t stop talking about sandwiches. Eventually, too worn down to fight anymore, Brittany gives in. #TrueLove.
Alone in the hottub, the Douchelord messes up Stassi’s name. He claims it’s a pick up line. Then he tells her she looks like Steve Jobs. Stassi is over it. She tells him everything he’s done wrong and flounces away. The Douchelord is sleeping alone tonight.
And now we segue into the Summer House episode. It’s Monday so everyone has to head back to the city. “Unlike those LA chicks, we have real jobs.” Carl is the new guy. Lauren, the single twin, likes him. Her married sister Ashley worries that he’s a player. Kyle is the Douchelord. Lindsey and Everett have been a part of the group forever but are only newly dating. They’re already talking about getting married. Everyone is annoyed. Especially Steven, the token gay. He joined the house when Lindsey was single and now he’s stuck hanging out with “the Malibu Barbie Twins and their drunk cousin Carl.” The last to arrive is Christina. She gets no description. They all suck.
It’s July fourth weekend, the best time to be in Montauk. Except it’s raining. They set social goals. Lauren says she wants to do new things. “Anal,” Everett interprets. Ashley’s goal is to find her sister a man. Carl wants to be Kyle’s wingman. Kyle doesn’t want to be bro-menting into his forties. Whatever that means. I don’t speak douche. Steven points out only first and second graders have summer goals. I think I might actually like him.
Some people go to bed and some go out to the bars. When the bars close at four AM, the drinkers return and wake up the sleepers. A fight ensues. Then Kyle and his ex go skinny dipping. Loudly. They only broke up because he knew he was coming to Montauk and “you don’t want to be cuffed in the summer.” Even so, they have loud sex and wake the twins up. Yeah, yeah. I know how this goes. I watched Jersey Shore back in the day.
Lindsey and Christina are roommates in the city. They’re already annoyed with each other. They join Ashley (the married twin) for a Kyle by Alene Too promo. Lindsey and Christina decide it’s the perfect place to have it out. Lindsey talks about her boyfriend all the time. Christina is jealous. Blah, blah, blah.
The straight guys go out to brunch and talk about who slept where (and with who). Carl slept “out.” He knows the dangers of bringing a girl back to a share house, especially when you’re flirting with a roommate. Kyle knows his ex wants a relationship so he should stop sleeping with her. But he probably won’t (until he gets a better offer). They give Everett a hard time about getting serious with Lindsey so quickly. He considers their whole two year friendship foreplay. Carl, the player, ditches the boys to join a table of fawning women.
The house gets together for a night of tacos, tequila and fireworks. Then they’re off to the bars. Carl and the single twin flirt. The married twin is worried. And she should be. They kiss at the club and end the night in bed together. Ugh. So that’s it, kiddos. I don’t know if Summer House is worth it. And we didn’t even get a Vanderpump Rules preview for next week. Thanks a lot, Andy Cohen.