You may think the biggest event this week is the new year but that’s because you forgot that tonight Vanderpump Rules brings us Stassi’s birthday. Stassi’s birthday! It’s only the most important day/week/month of the year. Who can forget her Vegas birthday? Jax ripping off his chunky sweater to fight Frank in a parking lot is classic reality tv. Or her Mexican birthday? Pirate boat, Tequila Katie, and Jax’s harem. Plus, skinny dipping. So much skinny dipping. When Stassi decided she was too good for VPR, Bravo tried to pretend The Birthday wasn’t important. We got a lame wine tasting in season three and then nothing in season four (fuck you, 2016). They even tried to pass The Birthday torch to Ariana and her adult kid party but we weren’t fooled. There’s only one birthday that matters and this year it’s happening in Montauk.
We start with Ariana’s band of merry hipsters on their way to Nascar and wine tasting. The RV is finally in play but Lala isn’t. Without a word of warning, she flakes on the whole thing. “Sorry boo.” I think she made the right call. Being stuck in an RV with this crew sounds annoying and smelly. Sandoval is pissed because the Nascar tickets are expensive (Bravo paid) and hard to come by (Bravo got them). Ariana hopes something bad actually happened to explain her absence. Friendship. And now they all have someone to talk about. What could be a better birthday gift?
The real birthday girl arrives in New York for the real birthday party. We obviously share a brain because she laments that it’s been two years (two years!) since she’s had a birthday trip. While the main event is The Birthday, this trip also serves as a promo for Bravo’s upcoming show Summer House. Ugh. Stassi hopes to find some upscale douchebaggery in Montauk. I have a feeling that won’t be an issue. She also reminds us that Scheana is going to be picked on all weekend. It’s important to have trip goals.
Kristen points out that Stassi is the only single girl on the trip. The other girls are married, engaged, and in a perfect relationship. But she shouldn’t be too upset. By this time next year her fiends will probably be divorced, divorced, and delusional.
James needs camera time so we get to watch him eat ice cream and get advice from a “mentor.” He still blames his drinking problems on his parents’ divorce.
Sandoval complains to the boys that Ariana won’t sleep with him anymore. Meanwhile, Ariana gets drunk with Kentucky. Maybe she’s a lesbian.
At dinner, The Birthday Girl gets pissed that Scheana won’t drink what she wants her to drink. They are continually approached by old and/or incredibly awkward men. The night is a total bust but that’s ok. It’s not The Night.
James goes to Sur to see Max gossip with Lisa about Lala’s relationship.
The mean girls call Tom Schwartz for proof that their trip is better than Ariana’s. It’s also a great opportunity to talk about Lala. Without showing her face once, Lala is the star of this episode.
And now it’s time for the annual skinny dipping. Scheana refuses to participate and gets hated on. Unbeknown to them (ha!) everyone at their hotel can see them and cheers ring out. Finally someone gets how important this event is!
Next week: Nascar. Jax is a dick to Brittany and she doesn’t even notice. The Summer House crew shows up. Lala quits.