You may think the biggest event this week is the new year but that’s because you forgot that tonight Vanderpump Rules brings us Stassi’s birthday. Stassi’s birthday! It’s only the most important day/week/month of the year. Who can forget her Vegas birthday? Jax ripping off his chunky sweater to fight Frank in a parking lot is classic reality tv. Or her Mexican birthday? Pirate boat, Tequila Katie, and Jax’s harem. Plus, skinny dipping. So much skinny dipping. When Stassi decided she was too good for VPR, Bravo tried to pretend The Birthday wasn’t important. We got a lame wine tasting in season three and then nothing in season four (fuck you, 2016). They even tried to pass The Birthday torch to Ariana and her adult kid party but we weren’t fooled. There’s only one birthday that matters and this year it’s happening in Montauk.
We start with Ariana’s band of merry hipsters on their way to Nascar and wine tasting. The RV is finally in play but Lala isn’t. Without a word of warning, she flakes on the whole thing. “Sorry boo.” I think she made the right call. Being stuck in an RV with this crew sounds annoying and smelly. Sandoval is pissed because the Nascar tickets are expensive (Bravo paid) and hard to come by (Bravo got them). Ariana hopes something bad actually happened to explain her absence. Friendship. And now they all have someone to talk about. What could be a better birthday gift?
The real birthday girl arrives in New York for the real birthday party. We obviously share a brain because she laments that it’s been two years (two years!) since she’s had a birthday trip. While the main event is The Birthday, this trip also serves as a promo for Bravo’s upcoming show Summer House. Ugh. Stassi hopes to find some upscale douchebaggery in Montauk. I have a feeling that won’t be an issue. She also reminds us that Scheana is going to be picked on all weekend. It’s important to have trip goals.
Kristen points out that Stassi is the only single girl on the trip. The other girls are married, engaged, and in a perfect relationship. But she shouldn’t be too upset. By this time next year her fiends will probably be divorced, divorced, and delusional.
James needs camera time so we get to watch him eat ice cream and get advice from a “mentor.” He still blames his drinking problems on his parents’ divorce.
Sandoval complains to the boys that Ariana won’t sleep with him anymore. Meanwhile, Ariana gets drunk with Kentucky. Maybe she’s a lesbian.
At dinner, The Birthday Girl gets pissed that Scheana won’t drink what she wants her to drink. They are continually approached by old and/or incredibly awkward men. The night is a total bust but that’s ok. It’s not The Night.
James goes to Sur to see Max gossip with Lisa about Lala’s relationship.
The mean girls call Tom Schwartz for proof that their trip is better than Ariana’s. It’s also a great opportunity to talk about Lala. Without showing her face once, Lala is the star of this episode.
And now it’s time for the annual skinny dipping. Scheana refuses to participate and gets hated on. Unbeknown to them (ha!) everyone at their hotel can see them and cheers ring out. Finally someone gets how important this event is!
Next week: Nascar. Jax is a dick to Brittany and she doesn’t even notice. The Summer House crew shows up. Lala quits.
I seriously laughed out loud when Kristen says, in reference to taking shots in college, “Oh, they are all bad memories for me, I just Keep on going, ya know?” With a shrug of the shoulder at the end. Classic Kristen, and I love her for it. So delusional, yet oddly self aware.
I totally agree! But otherwise *shrug.*. And I love The Lady Cochette’s recaps; no criticism there. But I think this show is done. Let’s leave these people with a shred of dignity (!?) to pick up their lives and move on. It was always about LVP and she fails to engage me, to be honest. The rest of these kids are flailing; it’s not entertaining anymore. What do you all think?
I still make this show a priority, but then I’m disappointed in it each week. Along with their advancing age, I feel like the problem is how they are coupled up right now. I’m not sure if they are just too stable for the drama to be interesting or if it’s more than that. Sandoval is too much and Ariana is cool, but together they come off as self-righteous. Schwartz is hilarious, but Katie brings him down. Jax is TV gold, but it’s not fun against Brittany the way it was with Stassi. Kristen doesn’t have her edge. James and LaLa — I know they aren’t a couple, but they bring out the worst in each other.
I would rather be in the RV than in Montauk… Not for any other reason than camping and no drama. Arianna cracks me up, I do really like her and think she is the most down to earth out of all these dimwits. Brittany is sweet, but she isn’t the brightest bulb, she seems to slid between the sides very well and remain friends with everyone. Kristin Cracked me up tonight, this is the Kristin I can handle, I can never handle Stassi. Stassi has to be the most nasty bitch, so hard hearted… no wonder she has no man.
Hi friends, Grace in response to your comment yes it seems that this show is getting faker. There is no context as to why Stassi and Kristen are still on….Stassi just seems to promote her podcast and Kristen used to promote her t-shirts but haven’t heard anything on that in awhile…also the “twins” who invited the girls to Montauk haven’t made an appearance yet? From what I gather from other sites, Montauk is further out from “the Hamptons” – maybe that’s why. Also with the “couples” who work and live together – Ariana and Tom Sandoval, Brittany and Jax – too much togetherness…and when Katie and Tom Schwartz were arguing about the cost of the wedding, did anyone notice Stassi [who was there] ,”it doesn’t matter, you’re not paying for it?” Isn’t that “breaking the fourth wall”? Yeah, not as entertaining, that is for sure…also way too many rumors/secrets re: Lala and so obvious James is only still on due to his friendship with Max – I would rather see more of what’s up with Max and that interaction with LVP, it would be more real…maybe…weird vibe to the whole thing anymore imo….
Fun recap, Lady Cocotte. I missed the episode and I enjoy watching two or three of these at a time. Off to TT’s search box to read about Lala quitting.
Thank you for the recap The Lady C. This episode was boring. I don’t care about Stassi nor her story line, get rid of her ! Katie is horrid even when she is relatively quiet. James eating ice cream was the most interesting part of the show, he should have named all the flavors there was to chose from ! It made me crave ice cream. Ariana was a cute drunk. I think this show is on its last legs and I don’t blame LaLa for being a no show.
James and his friend look like the type of guys who don’t leave the house with our filling the pockets of their skinny jeans with roofies.
Lady Cocotte, I love your Vanderpump Rules recaps! Thanks for doing them.
I’m with some of the other posters who suggest that perhaps VR is just about past its shelf life. However, I don’t want the show to be cancelled until Tom Schwartz grows a pair (or really even one) and dumps Katie.
Never before have I wished divorce on a couple, but Tom will continue to be a miserable shadow of a man as long as Katie Maloney is in his life.
I was hoping that I was not alone in this, but I need to speak to someone about Ariana’s tits. They are kind of long, but that is not my issue. They seem to be in the wrong place on her body. They start about three inches lower than they should. Is it just me?
Also, the lighthouse at the hotel across the water shining on the nekkid girls was hilarious. They responded completely wrong. When a police flashlight, errr, lighthouse shines on you, you don’t stand up and run about nekkid (unless the cop is really cute) you stay submerged until they go away. Allegedly. Not that I would know.
OK, now I have to go look at her tits. I was thinking the red dress in her talking head wasn’t the best choice, but I couldn’t put my finger on why. Perhaps it is boob saggage.
The three guys at the Montauk bar… amusing. Especially the incoherent one. My favorite was Stassi freaking because Kaitie had 1.1 of an extra minutes worth of the Greek Guys attention. She was clearly just trying to relate about a common topic. If that doesn’t tell you that Stassi can only think about herself in that she can’t let her friend have a normal friendly conversation, I don’t know what does.
I will give Stassi that I too, like people participating when its a group drinking thing. Schena not even doing one is ridiculous. All the excuses, just say I’m going sober with my husband, that would be an easy and understandable reason.
Yes Ariana has weird boobs, she needs to go on botched.
I’m An Old, but what is a green tea shot? Obviously a kind of liquor. Scheena said it has a lot of sugar in it, looked yummy.
Loved the footage of the RV trip. Montauk looked BO-RING!
I enjoyed the Rv Trip. More guys less bicthes!.. Montauk was very strange. Not a five star! Can’t remember which bitch totally faked the “high class…great views” thing. Bored by all. In the old days , these gals would have dismessed the guys at the bar.. in two seconds.
I can’t believe I want Tom to dump Katie, but I really do.. She really annoys me and she treats him so badly. I think he could do so much better, Katie only wants to impress her girl friends. I am honestly not a Scheana fan, but I’m totally on her side when it comes to the mean girls. They are terrible! I’m not sure Stassi can ever sustain a meaningful relationship.
Only with herself lol
Who skinny dips in shallow water when they need to chunky dunk? Another wasted point.