We survived Christmas. We survived losing George Michael. But can we survive another episode of Vanderpump Rules? You know I love this show. These vapid drama queens make my crusty heart sing. And yet, last week jumped the shark. Watching the mean girls tear into Scheana over her tepid apology to Lala hurt my head. The shrieking. The scolding. The guilt trips. It was too much. But what really pushed me over the edge was THEY MADE ME FEEL SORRY FOR SCHEANA. For Scheana! The desperate, social climbing, moronic Scheana. I don’t know if that’s something I can recover from. But because of Pandora and her damn box (the Greek, not the Vanderpump), hope springs eternal. So bring on the adult children. I’m ready.
We start with the obligatory Tom and Katie Are Getting Married scene. Stassi and Kristen help shove Katie’s invitation tea towels into envelopes. Stassi tries to worm her way back into my good graces by announcing, “It’s $18.50. That is so much money… for a rag.” They discuss Lala whoring for a Range Rover in front of Katie’s Mom and Grandma. I’m horrified until I see how quickly Grandma jumps right in. I guess we see where Katie gets it. Stassi does an advertisement for tells the girls about their Montauk hotel. Then she decides that Scheana should be kicked out of the wedding party if she doesn’t go to The Birthday Party. She’s fully aware how important it is to Scheana to be included in this year’s Wedding by Bravo and she’s enjoying the power.
Scheana complains to her newly sober husband about how hard it was to be “dead fucking sober” at his party. And to Scheana, “dead fucking sober” means 1 ½ drinks. I’m so glad Shay finally escaped.
Tom Sandoval, Ariana and her hipster brother visit James at his first post-Vanderpump DJ gig. He still thinks he’s hot shit. Lala tells him the new job is “way more better” than Pump and Sur put together. James claims he’s been sober for nine days as he takes a swig of Sizzurp. #RockStar. They discuss Ariana’s Nascar birthday because, storyline.
Remember when Jax pretended thought he had breast cancer? Well, the lumps are back. They’re caused by all of his janky supplements. But don’t worry. He can get them removed and carry on living his Jax-tastic lifestyle. “…I’m not going to do anything rash. Like stop taking supplements completely.” Jax is back at his plastic surgeon’s office and makes a joke about getting a punch card for all of his visits. Ha ha ha. Your unhealthy lifestyle is so funny. Luckily he found a girl stupid enough to laugh at all of his lame jokes. And not care that he shits with the door open. Relationship goals.
The Toms bring Jax post-surgery presents. A Hooters tshirt and a tank top with a bra built in. They talk about Ariana’s birthday trip again. I’m so over this trip and it hasn’t even happened yet.
Stassi’s mom and brother visit. Her mom creeps me out but her brother gives good sound bites. While her brother Facetimes with a cute girl, Stassi and her mom discuss her multiple breakups with Patrick. I don’t care about any of this but so far the whole episode has been fluff so I’m searching for things to include in this recap. Finally we get to the good part: Stassi’s brother tells her that she needs to mind her own business when it comes to her friends. “If you be bossy and it’s always your way, people are not going to like that. Ok?” Preach, little man.
Scheana and her mom discuss the mean girls. Her mom seems as terrified that she’ll be kicked out of the bridal party as Scheana is. All of these moms suck.
Finally, the Ariana party is starting. I could care less about this but I’m just so sick of hearing everyone talk about it so let’s get it over with. Everyone meets up at her apartment to get on the RV. James joins them even though he’s not allowed to go. He blames it on Jax because nothing is ever his fault. He’s James Motherfucking Kennedy.
James loves his new “success” but misses his Pump/Sur family. He asks Lisa for his job back. She asks him if she looks like someone that employs arrogant little punks and he replies, “No. But you have in the past. With Jax.” That doesn’t help his cause. James begs. Lisa suggests he get his life together and that maybe DJing isn’t the best job for him. He goes on a tirade about how ridiculous it would be for him to have a boring cubicle job. “Nah. It’s DJ James Kennedy.” Lisa tosses him out on his ass.
Now the Ariana crew is at the airport. What happened to the RV? I don’t care. Lala is MIA. She’s going to miss the flight. She’ll have to get a rich man to charter her a private plane.
Next week: Montauk vs Nascar. No one can find Lala. The mean girls are mean girls.
Note from TT: Sorry about the delay, I didn’t have Internet last night and was curled up watching the entire first season of Downton Abbey free from the obligation to moderate comments and check in on the site.
Good job! Thank for the recap. I have not watched this so now I can check it off my list. I really can’t take have of these kids so why why do I watch it??
Rompers are adorable on toddlers. Stassis mom should burn hers immediately.
I heart you.
Do Jax and NeNe have the same nose job surgeon, Dr. Pinnochio??
Katie should hang on to some of those rags to mop up that mess of a marriage.
Thanks for another applause-worthy recap, Lady.
I was half asleep when I watched this this morning. Can anyone explain the RV?
They’re flying to San Francisco and then taking the RV from there to Sonoma.
Yes, what Fizz said. Also, good looks on Downtown! I adore that show, and if you’re only on season 1 you have so much more to watch 🙂
Carrie Fisher just died. Sad.
FUCK! Love that smart, funny and talented woman. So, so sad.
I added her to the death and despair post. Let’s keep this one about PUMP.
Tamara, can you or anyone else share what the Downton schedule is? I can’t find it nor do I see it listed on PBS. thanks
Every day starting at noon until…. around 11 Today is season 2 (watching now) and tomorrow is season 3 and so forth until the sixth and final season.
Thanks, didn’t realize it was listed as classic arts studio. I have it set to record, will be ready for new year’s weekend!
My local PBS station starts season 1 on 12/30. I guess it’s regional.
And my local PBS doesn’t list it at all!! I even did a search and there were no matches. ? I guess that’s the trade off – less traffic, more rural community but we miss out on things like certain popular movies at the theatres and shows like Downton Abbey, I guess. But Katt Williams was here recently so at least I had that. ?He opened his show basically saying he knew we were all wondering if was gonna get locked up and miss the show. Sorry T for posting all this here.
I’m An Old and had to look up Sizzurp. I still don’t understand what it is. Cough syrup with codine? Mixed with Mtn Dew? His looked like Dayquil.
Another old- I thought it was cough syrup with codeine mixed with sprite or mt dew or something but don’t you need a prescription for cough syrup with codeine? I think he was mixing cheap wine and Dimetapp- not sure what that does beyond dry out your sinuses and leave you with a horrible hangover.
Can we talk about how Mike Shay looked like he had lost a lot of weight, and then when he posted the recent picture proving he had escaped Scheana he was back to his normal weight? I didn’t recognize him. But maybe it’s just me?
Yeah, I did a double take, myself.
He looked so handsome! And spoke great sens e- no wonder he ran away from Scheana
Rumor is Scheana has a new man. Famous too, but can’t remember who? Does anyone know? Going to bug me now. Maybe why Mike jumped ship.
Those tea towels are a joke. Only smart thing Stassi has said this season.
Miss a day miss a lot !
http://tamaratattles.com/2016/12/14/blind-item-west-hollywood-gossip/
I love the tea towels from Ladies of London, so I kinda have to love Katie’s too. I think it’s an old lady who cooks thing. YMMV. I do see the difference between buying one in a British Castle Giftshop and having a wedding invite on one. And also the vast difference between Katie’s maturity level and the whole tea towel thing. So I suppose she is trying to sell them to us old folks, maybe?
Every time I see Arianne’s brother, I think it’s the guy from project runway. #twinning
YES!! Is it? It certainly looks like him. Man bun and all!
I have never seen anyone delight in anyone’s pain like Stassi. She glows when putting down Lala.Now we have Katie,so smug and morphing into Stassi jr.Poor Schwartz he seems too sane for this.Jax,ugh,have the supplements erased brain cells also?
Great recap. I was instantly terrified of Stassi’s momster. Wow. Got the same reaction as you about Scheannas Mom. Thinking these four could be the next AHS. Little bro was the highlight of the whole show. Ugh.
When the recap is better than the show – maybe it’s time to add producer to your list of creds, TT. Keep ’em coming. As always thank you.
Stassi’s brother should bump Andy off the couch and take over hosting all the reunions. Truth teller and loved him.
And I felt the same way as you Lady. These mean girls have me feeling sorry for Scheana. That says a lot about how cruel they are. No term seems more over used and misused on Bravo than “bully”. However in this case, I think Katie and Stasi are bullies. They are literally angry to the point of death stares, putdowns and tears because Scheana apologized to Lala for gossiping about her sex life. As Katie says, clearly Scheana is “repulsive” for this action of apologizing. I mean who apologizes for gossiping and spreading rumors?! No wonder they are bullying Scheana into cowering to their ways of hate.
Stassi is definitely a bully, I think katie just gets caught up in it as a follower. It just seemed to me Scheana was trying to placate everyone and bow out of an exhausting situation by “apologizing” for any “untrue” statements she made about Lala. That’s not horrible at all, I get it. It’s a half assed/conditional apology to put an end to an awkward situation but these idiots are acting like she did it to become buddy buddy with lala. Just stupid. They’re spoiling for a fight. How quickly Stassi forgets how she was on the outs last year for being the worst friend ever, and takes aim at someone else.
On another note, I don’t normally like to buy into the ditzy beauty queen stereotype, but I could not bear to hear James’ gf speak. I have never heard a more ditzy voice or speech in my whole life, it was unbearable and I had to fast forward through it all. Do these women have any idea what they sound like? I’d be seeing a speech therapist if I spoke that way.
I was going to say something about Jame’s girlfriend’s voice. The worst!
Stassi certainly seems to have forgotten about lasts season’s tears and declarations. She is back to the self absorbed, bullying, scheming take charge alpha dog. It’s sad, the influence of Stassi has Katie turned vicious as well. I do enjoy the mindless entertainment, but these girls are awful. Except for Brittany, every last one. I will say Kristen is less psychotic then ever before.. I suppose that’s something.
It’s boring is what it is. Bring back the batshit!
Bringing Stassi BACK has ruined the show and turned Katie back into a bitch again. Now three bitches which I can’t stand anymore Kristen has always been a bitch but Katie use to be nice. Now she’s just a fat bitch. Lala leaving the show BIG MISTAKE worse season ever. Use to love this show but can’t stand the three bitches. So glad when Stassi wasn’t on the show can’t stand her WOW she’s gained so much weight so another fat bitch.
Ariana: Let me begin by saying she is a beautiful girl. However, She has no compassion in her heart. She has no empathy. She does not forgive. She is downright rude. She certainly has a healthy opinion of herself, especially in her own intelligence.. which is quite baffling since it’s apparent that she’s Dumb as Dirt. Her high and Mighty attitude is annoying and laughable. I’d have thought after all these seasons, she’d have watched herself and thought to make the needed adjustments. Yet, she just keeps getting worse. She says the things she says under the guise of honesty. Now trust me, I’ve much to say about almost every other girl on the show as well. Stassi for example, after last seasons tears and declarations, is quite clearly back to her old scheming take charge Alpha dog ways. Ariana is a train wreck.. albeit a pretty one outside and ugly as sin inside. She simply needs to stop talking and realize she might not have all the answers. She has been treated poorly, she doesn’t need to Like everyone. Flies. Honey. Use whatever part of that brain that actually works girl.