We survived Christmas. We survived losing George Michael. But can we survive another episode of Vanderpump Rules? You know I love this show. These vapid drama queens make my crusty heart sing. And yet, last week jumped the shark. Watching the mean girls tear into Scheana over her tepid apology to Lala hurt my head. The shrieking. The scolding. The guilt trips. It was too much. But what really pushed me over the edge was THEY MADE ME FEEL SORRY FOR SCHEANA. For Scheana! The desperate, social climbing, moronic Scheana. I don’t know if that’s something I can recover from. But because of Pandora and her damn box (the Greek, not the Vanderpump), hope springs eternal. So bring on the adult children. I’m ready.
We start with the obligatory Tom and Katie Are Getting Married scene. Stassi and Kristen help shove Katie’s invitation tea towels into envelopes. Stassi tries to worm her way back into my good graces by announcing, “It’s $18.50. That is so much money… for a rag.” They discuss Lala whoring for a Range Rover in front of Katie’s Mom and Grandma. I’m horrified until I see how quickly Grandma jumps right in. I guess we see where Katie gets it. Stassi d
oes an advertisement for tells the girls about their Montauk hotel. Then she decides that Scheana should be kicked out of the wedding party if she doesn’t go to The Birthday Party. She’s fully aware how important it is to Scheana to be included in this year’s Wedding by Bravo and she’s enjoying the power.
Scheana complains to her newly sober husband about how hard it was to be “dead fucking sober” at his party. And to Scheana, “dead fucking sober” means 1 ½ drinks. I’m so glad Shay finally escaped.
Tom Sandoval, Ariana and her hipster brother visit James at his first post-Vanderpump DJ gig. He still thinks he’s hot shit. Lala tells him the new job is “way more better” than Pump and Sur put together. James claims he’s been sober for nine days as he takes a swig of Sizzurp. #RockStar. They discuss Ariana’s Nascar birthday because, storyline.
Remember when Jax pretended thought he had breast cancer? Well, the lumps are back. They’re caused by all of his janky supplements. But don’t worry. He can get them removed and carry on living his Jax-tastic lifestyle. “…I’m not going to do anything rash. Like stop taking supplements completely.” Jax is back at his plastic surgeon’s office and makes a joke about getting a punch card for all of his visits. Ha ha ha. Your unhealthy lifestyle is so funny. Luckily he found a girl stupid enough to laugh at all of his lame jokes. And not care that he shits with the door open. Relationship goals.
The Toms bring Jax post-surgery presents. A Hooters tshirt and a tank top with a bra built in. They talk about Ariana’s birthday trip again. I’m so over this trip and it hasn’t even happened yet.
Stassi’s mom and brother visit. Her mom creeps me out but her brother gives good sound bites. While her brother Facetimes with a cute girl, Stassi and her mom discuss her multiple breakups with Patrick. I don’t care about any of this but so far the whole episode has been fluff so I’m searching for things to include in this recap. Finally we get to the good part: Stassi’s brother tells her that she needs to mind her own business when it comes to her friends. “If you be bossy and it’s always your way, people are not going to like that. Ok?” Preach, little man.
Scheana and her mom discuss the mean girls. Her mom seems as terrified that she’ll be kicked out of the bridal party as Scheana is. All of these moms suck.
Finally, the Ariana party is starting. I could care less about this but I’m just so sick of hearing everyone talk about it so let’s get it over with. Everyone meets up at her apartment to get on the RV. James joins them even though he’s not allowed to go. He blames it on Jax because nothing is ever his fault. He’s James Motherfucking Kennedy.
James loves his new “success” but misses his Pump/Sur family. He asks Lisa for his job back. She asks him if she looks like someone that employs arrogant little punks and he replies, “No. But you have in the past. With Jax.” That doesn’t help his cause. James begs. Lisa suggests he get his life together and that maybe DJing isn’t the best job for him. He goes on a tirade about how ridiculous it would be for him to have a boring cubicle job. “Nah. It’s DJ James Kennedy.” Lisa tosses him out on his ass.
Now the Ariana crew is at the airport. What happened to the RV? I don’t care. Lala is MIA. She’s going to miss the flight. She’ll have to get a rich man to charter her a private plane.
Next week: Montauk vs Nascar. No one can find Lala. The mean girls are mean girls.
Note from TT: Sorry about the delay, I didn’t have Internet last night and was curled up watching the entire first season of Downton Abbey free from the obligation to moderate comments and check in on the site.