Another (Mon)day, another Vanderpump Rules. Last week we revisited the Orlando massacre and it brought up a lot of feelings. Luckily, our amazing commenters brought the wisdom and healing we sorely needed. I’m really grateful for our little community here. And now the VPR kids can get back to what they do best: pointless drama! Who’s birthday is going to be better, Ariana or Stassi? Who’s a bigger slut, Lala or everyone? Who is going to be the new target once Lala makes her exit, Scheana or Scheana? I need to know and I need to know now!
Scheana and Katie interrogate Kentucky about Ariana’s birthday. Sonoma, NASCAR, Lala. Scheana hasn’t been invited yet. She assumes it’s because Ariana knows she already accepted Stassi’s invitation for the same weekend. Sure it is.
Bobby Fischer Lisa decides Ariana should fix the Katie and Scheana vs Lala thing. Ariana asks Katie and Scheana if they’d be willing to talk to Lala. “Like, to clear up rumors that are true?” Scheana asks. Bitch. They reluctantly agree but not without bitching about Ariana in the process. WeHo’s version of Hester Prynne joins the fun. There’s a lot of slutshaming going on until Lala admits she lied to hide who her boyfriend was. “And I felt like, oh, this is a fun little acting game.” Damn it. Now the mean girls have something new to cling to. When Katie scoffs at Lala’s past apologies, she goes all Brandi Glanville and asks if she has to finger Katie to get forgiven. Now all I can hear is Yolanda trying to say cunnalingus. Thanks, Andy Cohen. Somehow, out of the blue, Scheana decides to apologize to Lala and promises to stop talking about her. Katie is pissed.
Stassi stops by Sur under the guise of asking Brittany for permission to have Jax on her podcast. She really drops by to get free goat cheese balls and some camera time. Whatever. Kentucky tells Lisa because that’s what the script tells her to do. Lisa is very concerned that Stassi is using Kentucky. Well, duh. So is Jax. She doesn’t care. She just wants to be on tv.
Since they already scheduled the Sur location shoot, Stassi hangs out with Katie in the alley. Katie rehashes the Lala meeting. Stassi is horrified that Scheana apologized. She claims Scheana started all of these rumors so backing down now is a personal affront to the hyenas. Good luck, Scheana. Trying to be a mature, responsible person doesn’t work around these girls.
Scheana visits Jax and Kentucky to complain about her friends. First, she got chastised by Stassi. Then, around midnight, Tequila Katie came for her. Apparently, Scheana’s apology to Lala “repulsed” her. Scheana doesn’t understand why Katie didn’t say anything when it happened. She figures the change in attitude is due to a combination of tequila and Stassi Schroeder. Pretty astute for a dummy. Jax explains that now that Stassi and Kristen are back in the picture, this is what it’s going to be like for Scheana. “When it comes to this group, I can predict the future like Ghandi. Did Ghandi predict the future? Mohammed Ghandi, right? That’s his name? Isn’t he some like Indian dude who, like… Who is Ghandi? What did he do?”
Ariana reports to Lisa about the apology backlash Scheana is getting from the girls. Lisa is disgusted. She wants them to get along so she doesn’t have to hear about it anymore. Not gonna happen.
Jax meets Stassi in a bar to do her podcast. First he has to spill all the dirt Scheana told him the day before. He points out the mean girls are being mean girls. Stassi tries to deny it but… During the podcast, Stassi gives Jax a sociopath test. We all know where this is going. He’s a sociopath. It’s official. But he’s pretty sure Brittany isn’t going to leave him because of a test on a computer. Nope. You’re safe until your 15 minutes are up.
Scheana and Kristen throw a joint surprise party for Shay and Carter. It looks like Ariana’s adult kid party. Just saying. The mean girls freeze out Scheana. Stassi tells them what Jax told her. She has no sympathy for Scheana. “We haven’t even had a chance to be mean to you yet.” Jax tells the Toms that history is repeating itself and the mean girls are picking on Scheana again. Schwartz likens the girl group to the mafia. There are perks but it also comes with strings attached. Kristen confronts Scheana about what she said to Jax. They don’t all share the same brain! How rude! Stassi doesn’t even know if Scheana is going to her birthday party. Scheana tells us, “If I don’t go, Stassi will never forgive me and Katie will be that much more mad at me. And I can’t afford for her to cut me out of being a bridesmaid.” Scheana will do anything to be in this year’s Wedding by Bravo. Anything.
Stassi goes in on Scheana. She yells. She insults. She taunts. Scheana calls Ariana over for backup. Stassi refuses to listen to anything they say. She thinks if she yells louder she’ll win. But Ariana won’t cave as easily as Scheana so Stassi storms off to cry in the bathroom. Katie tries to comfort her. Scheana wants to work it out but Katie and Stassi just want to yell at her. Stassi accuses her of not caring about anyone but herself. Uh, pot, this is kettle. Kettle, this is pot. Scheana makes the mistake of bringing up Tequila Katie. Oh no she didn’t! Katie yells that Scheana won’t take responsibility when she’s wrong (pot, kettle, kettle, pot) and that all of the Lala nonsense is her fault. Scheana finally walks away. “Over the past few years I’ve fought with my friends and made up with them. I’ve never thought I was better than them until this moment because they’re acting like assholes.”
Next week: Scheana doesn’t know what to do about the Montauk trip. Stassi decides if Scheana doesn’t go she shouldn’t be allowed to be a bridesmaid. Jax has more surgery. James tries to get his job back.