Mondays suck but at least we get new Vanderpump Rules. I can usually count on these crazy “kids” for a few chuckles. But this week is going to be rough. It’s Gay Pride week (which is normally all about joy) but we’re going to cover the Orlando massacre. And from the previews Lisa makes it all about her. That’s a big trigger for me. It was such a horrendous tragedy and reminder that the LGBTQIA community is not safe even in their safe spots. And Lisa is going to make it all about her! Listen, I know what’s it’s like to be a straight girl that thinks she’s part of the family but damn, sometimes you need to step back and stick to your role as an ally. Maybe it won’t be as bad as I’m expecting…
Lisa brings the staff together to discuss Pride. Jax reminds everyone that you can’t work Pride sober. Well, he can’t, as we got to see last year. The Pride uniforms start out simple. Pink trucker hats and tshirts. No boys in angel wings this time around! And then Lisa pulls out Ariana’s outfit: a topless bathingsuit. After seeing her in the getup Jax wishes he slept with her instead of Kristen. And laughs about it. Because, best friends. Lisa asks Lala to try on a different inappropriate look but she refuses. She’s not wearing any underwear. Mean girls Scheana and Katie use this as proof that she’s a big ol’ slut. Takes one to know one is all I can say.
Scheana sidles up to the bar under the guise of work but we all know it’s to move the script along. Sandoval tells her he and Ariana are going to have dinner with Lala and her boyfriend. He’s not really sure why. It’s so you can report back to the mean girls that he’s not married, Tom. Pay attention! You have a role to play here. Scheana figures this news allows her to get on tape (again) the story about the wife finding sexting videos of Lala and her husband. And now she has a Range Rover. Whore!
Stassi goes to Sur for lunch and shits on Lala on her way to the table. Drive-by shaming at it’s finest. She’s joined by twin wannabe actresses. They mention they’re going to summer in Montauk. Are they on that new Bravo show about a timeshare house? Ugh. The season opening coincides with Stassi’s birthday so you know what that means: birthday trip to Montauk! Lisa stops by the table and makes it awkward. She whispers to Stassi, “We do have food to go, you know?” God, I love it when Lisa is mean to Stassi.
(The first commercial they run after this scene is for Bravo’s Summer House. And it looks like the twins are in it. I hate you, Andy Cohen. I really do.)
Ariana is writing a cocktail book. Sandoval thinks he should get involved. After all, Ariana bartends for a paycheck. “But with me, it’s my passion.” She sets up a photoshoot at Sur and Sandoval tries to take over. Ariana is pissed. She desperately wants this to be about her. “Just this once.”
Katie and Scheana approach Kentucky about the Montauk girls trip. She lets them know Ariana is trying to plan a trip for her birthday at the same time. Oh, no! Battle of the birthday trips. Now, we know that Stassi’s birthday is a national holiday. And she is famous for her birthday trips. Remember Vegas? And Mexico? Classics. But Ariana also has VPR birthday history. Her adult kid party, the height of hipster chic, was nearly ruined by Sandoval’s insistence on leaving her for Peter’s guy trip. So I’m not sure how this is going to pan out. Stassi is a fierce foe but Ariana has some whiny tricks up her sleeve. Before we can get to that drama, Scheana needs to be angry that Ariana invited Jax and Kentucky before her. Then Lala opens herself up to more ridicule by bragging about never flying commercial. Why make it so easy for them? Ridiculous.
Lala has lunch with Ariana and Sandoval to rehash all of the storylines. Lala wants to wear pasties to gay pride. Ariana wants to go to Sonoma to watch NASCAR for her birthday. Lala doesn’t understand where all the rumors about her are coming from. Uh, isn’t that one pretty obvious? Lala won’t tell them her boyfriend’s name. Instead, she wants to fly them to Florida for a football game with the implication they’ll meet him. She gets a coy/gloating look on her face so we’re supposed to assume he’s a famous football player. I don’t care. Sorry. And then Ariana and Tom get into it about her cocktail book. He wants in. She doesn’t want him stealing her attention. She gets nasty pretty damn quick. “Don’t fucking roll your eyes, you little fucking bitch.” Lala cringes in the corner. But everyone at Sur (everyone!) thinks Tom should do the book. I mean, this is his passion. Back and forth, back and forth. “Grumpy Cat.” “Bitter Betty.” Passive-aggressive.” Finally Lala shuts them down. We’re in public here, kids!
Lisa gets interviewed about Orlando. She doesn’t know what to do about the parade. Do they keep on or run and hide? Katie is scared to go to work. Peter can’t get anyone to cover their shifts. He drinks at work. He needs it. Jax clearly isn’t going to show up. Any chance for a day off? Sign him up. He warns Peter to wear a vest. Ha ha ha. Other people’s deaths are so funny. Stassi and Sandoval visit Katie and Schwartz. They’re sad. They’re scared. They cry. I’m having a hard time reliving this. Fuck. Lisa decides to ride on her float. The kids are impressed with her bravery. It inspires them to go to work. Even Brittany forces Jax to do the right thing (but I think she just wants to wear that ridiculous outfit). Peter is relieved. He thought he was going to be alone on their busiest day of the year.
The tragedy puts things in perspective for Sandoval. Why is he fighting about a stupid cocktail book? He apologizes to Ariana. He acknowledges that he tried to make it all about him. I’m kind of impressed. You don’t often see self-awareness on this show. Then he rubs his dick all over Schwartzes face. “This is what we call not letting the terrorist win.”
Instead of covering her shift at Sur or supporting the LGBTQIA community, Lala visits James in his sleeping on some dudes couch penthouse apartment. James gets all worked up about Ariana’s birthday. He doesn’t know if he’ll get invited because Jax and Brittany are coming. That’s so unfair! Why is everyone so mean to James? Wah wah wah. Since Jax isn’t there to take the blame, he accuses Lala of ruining his day by bringing it up. Lala warns him she’s feeling extra sensitive because of Orlando her boyfriend just broke up with her. James has no sympathy. They’re always breaking up and getting back together. But he might not get invited to a party. What a pair! Lala blames the breakup on having to deal with the VPR cast. They decide to forget all their worries and make some crappy music.
The party at Sur gets wild. Sandoval jumps on the bar and rips off his tshirt. He thanks Lisa for her bravery participating in the parade. Jax tells her she’s got more balls than they do. She pats his cheek and tells him he’ll find his some day. They’re probably still in Stassi’s purse.
Next week: Jax goes on Stassi’s podcast. Lala confronts Katie. Katie blames Scheana for the whole Lala situation.