I’m breaking my Watch What Happens Live protest to see what Katie Maloney and Tom Schwartz have to say for themselves. Damn you, Andy Cohen. Just when I thought I was out, you pull me back in. So, do you think Katie’s going to take responsibility for slut-shaming Lala? Or how she bullies her husband? Do you think Schwartz will actually stand up to Katie and speak his mind? Yeah, me neither. Oh, well. In for a dime, in for a dollar.
Oh, great. The topless bartenders are holding adorable puppies. Normally that’s something I applaud but I’m not in the mood for thirty minutes of my dog barking and attacking the tv. Thanks, Andy Cohen.
Andy asks about Scheana’s divorce and the mood instantly plummets. They hem and haw. It’s too fresh to have good sound bites yet. Jax and Stassi are in the audience. Andy jokes that they’re back together. I’m sure Brittany loves those jokes.
Andy shows multiple clips of Katie and Schwartz disagreeing on everything (especially the wedding). Ha ha ha! Unhappy marriages are so funny. The poll question is whether Tom and Katie will last. Katie looks terrified and Tom laughs nervously. I’m expecting a landslide.
In honor of Katie’s insults about Schwartz’s manhood, they play “Does His Dick Work.” Andy basically asks Tom if his Dick would work for different people. Did Andy wager money on if this marriage is going to last the episode? Stassi gets a “yeah.” Lisa Vanderpump? Silly question. Ariana? Schwartz skirts the line and gives her a yes. Lala? Tom knows better than to be honest about that one. Andy calls him whipped. Hey, me and Andy Cohen agree about something! Sandoval? Of course. Kristen? A high-pitched yes (which means no). Brittany? Scheana? Jax? Yes, yes, yes.
We see a clip from next week. The coolest, bestest, most amazingest couple is going to fight over a cocktail book. Now, that sounds silly but what they’re really fighting over is the limelight. That’s much more reasonable. It will be interesting to see Ariana’s facade slip.
A viewer asks why Katie complains about Lala body-shaming her but then turns right around and slut-shames her. Ooh, good question. Let’s see how Katie justifies this one. Katie wasn’t prepared. She’s stumbling. Andy tells her to let it out. Finally she spits out, “I’ve never denied Lala her truth so don’t deny me mine.” Huh?
A caller asks about Tom’s erection problems and throws in, “And how much cocaine does Jax snort?” Andy claims this isn’t the question the caller said they were going to ask. Tom wishes he could prove his dick works but doesn’t know how. Katie backs him up and agrees it works (even though she’s the one that said it didn’t in the first place). They pretend Jax’s cocaine use was never mentioned..
Another caller calls Andy “Saint Andrew.” I already hate her. She asks the body-shaming/slut-shaming question again. Katie pretends to not understand what she’s asking. Andy claims this caller also changed their question. Suuuure.
And we get fresh gossip: a viewer asks about the rumor that Jax cheated on Brittany last Saturday during an appearance at Harrahs. Jax tries to look innocent and fails miserably. Poor Kentucky. Poor, stupid Kentucky. Is the “fame” really worth it?
A caller asks Katie if it was hypocritical of Scheana to judge Lala when Scheana dated a married man herself. Katie says that’s not the only reason she judged her. Groan. Andy points out that Katie didn’t allow Scheana to be nice or even cordial to Lala. Katie denies it. Just because you say it doesn’t make it true, Katie. Andy pushes, saying, “Now that you’ve seen it on the air…” Katie’s nostrils flare and we almost tip over into the dark side, But she pulls herself back and simply replies, “No.”
Andy asks their opinions about the Kristen and Brittany rumor. Tom thinks it’s a great story but doesn’t believe it. Katie hopes it’s true because it’s kind of cool. Like fan fiction. Wow, these guys take their celebrity a bit more seriously than I do.
A caller asks Tom why he didn’t stand up for Katie when Lala body-shamed her. He says he did, eventually. Ah, true love.
They play another game, the Nudelywed Game. Andy asks them questions and if their answers don’t match Jax and Stassi remove Schwartz’s clothing. The only amusing part was watching Jax and Stassi struggle to get Schwartz out of his grandpa cardigan.
A final caller asks if seeing herself on the show has changed the way Katie treats Tom. Nope. I don’t care what she said. The true answer is “no.”
The mazel goes to Josh Brolin for celebrating the victory at Standing Rock with a naked selfie.
The Jackhole was chosen by Twitter. James Kennedy won, of course.
The poll was 83% that Tom and Katie won’t last. No surprise there. Let’s see if they can beat Scheana’s two year record.