So, it looks like I’m your new, official Vanderpump Rules recapper. I just can’t quit these crazy “kids.” After a couple of boring episodes, we finally got some fireworks last week. James got fired! Like “indefinitely fired forever.” He blames it on Jax (for making him have a public, drunken tantrum) so we should get some good drama out of that. And Tom Schwartz went behind Katie’s back (gasp!) and asked Ariana to be a groomsman. You know the mean girls aren’t going to take this sitting down. Poor, Schwartzie. He’s in for it now.
Katie and Tom visit their wedding venue. Right away Tom jokes about getting cold feet. Way to make it awkward, man. I feel so bad for these wedding planners. It’s pretty clear these two shouldn’t be getting married.
James meets up with Sandoval and Ariana to tell them he got fired. Sandoval is pissed. He admits that James should have been fired for other offenses but this time it’s bullshit. And that, kiddos, is called enabling. Sandoval quickly jumps on the blame Jax bandwagon. Listen, I’m not a Jax fan AT ALL but how can they really think this is Jax’s fault? Do they not have any self-awareness? I guess I just answered my own question. Next in the script is James denying he ever hooked up with the waitress. Poor, persecuted James. Why is everyone making up lies about him? And getting him fired? James manages to work in a humble brag about his fancy apartment but leaves out the part where he’s living in someone else’s living room. #RockStar.
Lala, in her leather coochie cutters, pulls Lisa aside to complain about the mean girls. Lisa calls her on the married man and Lala unconvincingly denies it. Lisa could care less unless the married man is her own husband. That’s either being an adult or incredibly self-centered. It’s Lisa Vanderpump so it’s probably a combination of the two.
Tom Schwartz gets an underwear modeling job. I don’t care.
Sandoval and Ariana bike to dinner because they’re Silver Lake hipsters. They talk about how much better their relationship is than Katie and Tom’s. They’re not wrong.
Lala goes hiking with some girls from Sur and Pump. They dish about James getting fired. Lala brings up the rumors about James hooking up with a Sur waitress which opens the door for her friend Ellie to pull out her phone and show pictures of her and James in his bed. Last month. Around the same time he was celebrating his six month anniversary with his girlfriend. Lala asks for the photo (with the all-important time stamp). She claims she wants it so she can protect him but it’s clearly going to be used against him. I’m confused. The scriptwriter should have worked on this scene a little longer.
The whole gang gets together to celebrate Tom and Katie’s wedding for some reason. Sandoval accuses Jax of provoking James’ freakout and subsequent firing. Jax runs right over to the mean girls to complain about Sandoval and Ariana. Telephone. Kristen decides to confront Ariana about it. Yes! I can never get enough of crazy Kristen. She’s been hiding out so far this season.
In a totally unscripted move, Scheana goes to lunch with Ellie, Lala’s friend that James slept with. They talk about James, naturally. Ellie claims she took the photo because she knew James was going to deny anything ever happened. And yet she still slept with him. This storyline makes me sad. Moving on, Scheana realizes she has an opportunity to ask Ellie about Lala’s boyfriend. Ellie refuses to say anything bad but Scheana decides the look on her face is proof that Lala’s boyfriend is married. Now she has a story for the mean girls.
Katie and Tom do an ad for Porsche check out Porsches for Lisa. They get in a huge fight about Tom not wanting to get married and Katie being a huge bitch. I don’t know why they’re fighting. Both of those statements are true.
Scheana runs to Stassi and Kristen with her Ellie stories. First they freak out about the James thing. Then they talk about Lala’s married man. They run through all of their proof (including Ellie’s face). Bitches. Most recently, Stassi heard that the wife found out about the affair by finding their sexting videos. They’re getting too much enjoyment out of this.
Lala visits James. He’s making “music” while riding around on his hoverboard. She brings up the waitress and James explodes. These bitches! Always lying about your man! Then she brings up Ellie. At first he denies it but when she shows his the photo he looks like someone caught with his hand in the cookie jar. He claims the photo is from before he met his girlfriend. Date stamps are easy to fake. This just reminds me of Kristen’s lies when Sandoval read her texts to Jax. James turns his anger on Lala. She warns him that’s how you lose friendships. He lashes out about her married boyfriend. They pretty much agree the enemy of my enemy is my friend and leave it at that.
Next week: Sur gets new uniforms! Ariana is doing a cocktail book and Sandoval wants in. And Lisa Vanderpump makes the Orlando shooting all about her.