It is with much trepidation that I have decided to recap this show. At some point in my life I stopped listening to music regularly. That point came some time after Mariah Carey was relevant. When Vision of Love came out, it may have technically been 1990, but in reality it was still the 80s. The sweet, sweet 80s when we were all still thin and happy and living life to the fullest. I cannot sing. But I would wail Mariah Carey songs at the top of my lungs driving down the highway on my way to stir up trouble wherever I could find it. It was a glorious time. Our invincible time. And it’s a miracle that so many of us survived it. The 1990s would not be nearly as kind to us.
So I am going into this expecting sort of a Paula Abdul train wreck of a reality show. Remember Hey Paula and her odd behavior, tantrums and sniping at her employees? I am not sure I want to relive that again with Mariah. Nonetheless, it’s time to dive in.
Right a way there is a WTF moment. What is this Bianca Storm nonsense? Seriously. What is this? Who is producing this frenetic opening? It’s garbage. A complete waste of air time that foreshadows nothing worthwhile will be forthcoming.
Next, Mariah weighs the pros and cons of actually doing this ridiculous reality show which she insists on calling a documentary before jumping off a huge yacht into the Tyrrhenian Sea off the coast of Capri in a formal gown and sunglasses. We get a brief shot of Moroccan and Monroe watching the entire fiasco as Moroccan worries that his mommy might catch a cold. And really, the boy’s name should be Morocco, not Moroccan. At least then he could go by Rocco. Hopefully he does anyway. Four minutes in and I have had enough. Oh! She calls the boy child Roc and the girl child Roe. That is cute.
How embarrassing it must be to have broken up with your fiance before your reality show even airs.
How do you work in the entertainment industry for decades and be completely unable to put on, or walk in shoes? This cannot possibly be real.
There is very little Mariah, and lots of random staff members so far on this episode. I do not care about these random staff members.
I am amused that Mariah counts on her fingers. I do to. My elementary teacher also told me I would do it as an adult. I do. So what’s the problem? I also used a trick to fill out my nine times tables on ditto sheets in the second grade by writing the numerals 1-9 down one side and up the other. I still do not know my nine times tables by heart. Still, what’s the problem? I was the first one done with my ditto sheet and I did not like the way they smelled. Yes, I am old. I have also managed to navigate life just fine with these mathematical handicaps.
Wow. A brief scene with Mariah rehearsing at the piano. That was refreshing.
Mariah has found a wedding dress that she really loves. She says that as if she was just rifling through the racks at Kleinfeld’s and there it was. It is perfect for her because it was custom designed for her. She seems embarrassed that she wants a tiny tiara. She’s Mariah Carey, a tiara is a must.
We got a scene with Mariah consulting with her choreographer, Anthony. It was the first mildly interesting behind the scenes thing we have seen. Then we see Brian Tanaka, one of Mariah’s dancers that has been dancing with her since 2006. This is apparently her new boyfriend. This supposedly happened about five seconds after she broke up with the gazillionaire, or has been an ongoing relationship the entire time depending on what rags you read. Are there really straight male backup dancers though? He definitely seems besotted. They seem quite close to me. Perhaps that dress will be put to use after all.
For some reason Mariah will be narrowing down the field of backup dancers that go on the road with her based on a physical inspection of their bodies. As I type this, the show is paused and there is an unfortunate white boy who has me singing that Sesame Street song, “One of These Things Is Not Like The Others” in my head. His face is blurred out and so is a the face of a black guy with the absolute best abs of the bunch. It appears those two will be dropped. Tanaka, Mariah’s alleged lover, was not required to be part of the physical inspection. They did actually dance a bit just for the sake of appearances. Then this woman, Stella, who seems to have a lot of control over Mariah says that indeed the white guy and the guy with the great abs are out. Mariah protests a bit. She wants to keep eight dancers and Stella insists she can only afford six. Someone remind me how much money Mariah has again?
This whole “postponing the wedding” story makes no sense. It seems to me like they just decided to wait to set a date until after the tour. I saw no indication that there was a wedding date to postpone. It seemed more like someone pointed out that planning an international tour and a wedding at the same time was illogical.
Mariah seems terrified of a lift in her choreography. Perhaps that is why she wanted all eight dancers. She asked the cameras not to record her lift. They do anyway.
Then they are all off to Glascow. Including this idiotic girl named Molly who was hired to be Mariah’s personal assistant on tour despite the two never having met and Molly have no relevant experience whatsoever. Stella tells he she is to have no boyfriend (too late) and no crying (unreasonable expectation). Molly packing “American candy” to take on a European tour tells me all I need to know about Molly. She should be thrown in the first Loch they pass en route to the venue.
Anthony, the choreographer and Jose the stylist have a dick swinging contest prior to the show. Jose is pushing his wardrobe, and the color of the shoes in particular, while Anthony is concerned about function and the ability to dance in said shoes. These two are by far the hottest and most interesting people in the show. I would like to watch them argue over shoes for the full hour next week please. No Mariah necessary just these two. Artistic passion.
Finally, we get to Mariah being late. She is notorious for this. This episode is almost over and it is the first time it has been mentioned. She is three hours late to the show. Mariah’s nanny somehow managed to pack her passport into her suitcase. How is that even possible? Private plane boarding perhaps? However it happened it caused a three hour delay.
Things just sort of end with Molly sobbing because she can’t set up the Apple TV that Mariah requires in her room to sleep at night. This is what happens when one decides to take a girl whose last job was picking up dog poop to Scotland to be an assistant to a diva.
And some more Bianca Storm. Why?
Are we going to watch this? I dunno. On the plus side, there are only seven more episodes.