Vanderpump Rules: Thirsty Girls
Ready or not, it’s time for another episode of Vanderpump Rules. I’m not your usual recapper (TT, we miss you!) but I’m kind of excited to play tonight. Vanderpump Rules is one of my favorite shows. These hot messes really speak to me. But this season has been a little flat. Sure, James is still a douche. Jax is still a liar. Stassi is still a bitch. Lala is still a whore. But where’s my crazy Kristen? Where are the fights? When is Jax going to cheat on Kentucky? I need a little more than boring Katie planning her boring wedding to boring Tom. Wait. That’s not fair. The photos I saw of the wedding looked gorgeous, and I actually like Tom Schwartz, but you know what I mean. Hopefully things will kick off a little this episode when Tom goes behind Katie’s back and asks Ariana to be one of his groomsmen. Gasp! How is this marriage going to work if Tom never backs Katie up when she’s mean-girling someone? Red flags, y’all. Red flags.
We start things off at Fat Sal’s. I bet those sandwiches are great (yes, I’m a fat girl). This better not be the highlight of the episode. Ariana’s hipster brother moved in with her and Tom. Ariana claims it’s affecting their sex life. I think Sandoval’s hair is probably more to blame. Lala and her hoop earrings join them for lunch. This is not a Katie approved scene. They all laugh that James’ girlfriend is moving in with him. I hope she doesn’t mind sleeping in some weird guys living room because that’s how James “Baller” Kennedy rolls. Ugh, James’ girlfriend is a 21 year old pageant girl. Why is she with him? Don’t these girls have eyes and ears? And brains? I’m going to call her Kentucky #2.
Stassi, Kristen and Katie are drinking and pretending to eat. Kristen lets them know that Scheana thought Katie was being a mean drunk at her party. Great. Now Katie and Scheana are going to fight about Lala even though they’re on the same (mean-girl) page. Over at Sur, Lala tries to conversate with Scheana and Scheana shuts that shit down. Hard. She tells her Katie is one of her best friends so socializing with Lala makes her “uncomfortable.” And she immediately reports the incident to Kristen. The three hyenas give her a slow clap for letting Lala know she can’t sit with them.
One of the Sur managers complains to Lisa about James. Lisa thinks she needs definitive proof that he’s drinking at work to fire him. Yeah, because being a shite employee isn’t enough. Then Jax warns Lisa about Lala and Scheana’s fight. He’s not shit-stirring. He’s looking out for Lisa’s best interest! Scheana tries to explain the fight. “Brittany and I are doing our roll ups and then Lala walks up and is like, ‘hey girls, how was your weekend?’” Lisa has no sympathy. Reading the room, Scheana blames Katie. Lisa tells her to just do her job without creating a hostile work environment. I wonder where Lisa learned that phrase?
Tom Schwartz is still seeing a therapist about commitment issues. He tells her he’s getting married and she laughs. Doesn’t that say it all? No. It gets worse. He’s hiding the fact that he’s in therapy from Katie. What a beautiful love story! When he gets home, Katie is drunk so he decides it’s the perfect time to have a serious conversation about Tequila Katie. Oh, Tom. Your relationship makes me sad.
Jax is a terrible person. He complains that Brittany won’t make him a sandwich. Meanwhile her dress keeps popping open from her ginormous boob job. #RelationshipGoals
Katie, Stassi and Scheana go to comfort Kristen after dental work. Katie gets frustrated listening to Scheana drone on about her own dental issues. Finally, they’re able to get to the important issue: Scheana isn’t a good enough friend to them. I don’t even know what to think about this. I couldn’t be friends with any of these bitches.
We get a montage of James drinking at work. Then a random waitress complains to Jax and Brittany that James has been harassing her ever since she hooked up with him. She doesn’t want to cause problems between him and his girlfriend (who he cheated on) but she told the one guy who lives to ruin James’ life. If this wasn’t so scripted it’d be fun. Jax immediately starts spreading it around Sur. Lala runs to James with the story. This naturally turns into a loud argument between Jax and James. James calls himself a rockstar. He’s a drunken mess. James confronts the waitress. They start loudly arguing in the restaurant. And cue Lisa. Her manager fills her in on what happened. She asks to see James and he gets loud and arrogant with her. He tells her, “You’re obviously feeding into what everybody else is telling you. And I don’t appreciate that.” This might actually be the end of the road for James Kennedy. But no. Lisa just sends him back to his DJ booth. They’re going to drag this out all season.
Tom Schwartz decides to ask Ariana to be a groomsman. He knows exactly why Katie doesn’t want her in the wedding and he’s doing it anyway. Le sigh. Schwartz follows his script and asks. Ariana follows her script and accepts. But first she eats ass steak. Oh, these crazy kids!
James visits Sandoval at the bar. Sandoval is concerned about him but he’s the VPR MVP, or so he says. He knows his job is safe. Lisa and Ken catch him and get angry at Sandoval for not keeping him in line. Then he starts yelling at them in front of the restaurant. Ken gets angry. James cries. Ken yells, “You little fucker! I’ll knock you spark out!” Ken doesn’t suffer fools who disrespect Lisa. The next day, James has to visit Villa Rosa for a sitdown with Lisa. She fires him! He’s not even allowed to step foot in Sur or Pump. He thinks being “indefinitely fired forever” is crazy. I mean, he’s James Kennedy. The golden boy. So he blames it on Jax and the waitress because, idiot. He tries to cry and play on Lisa’s emotions but she’s done. “Go,” she tells him. Good bye, James. Good bye, James’ Pump CD. Good bye, James’ Beemer. Good bye.
Next week: TT will be back to tell you all about Sandoval blaming Jax for James’ firing and Katie finding out about Tom Schwartz’s Ariana betrayal.