Due to all sort of technical issues RHOA took two hours to recap tonight so I am going to make this short and sweet if at all possible. I can’t believe these idiots have anything new to argue about. Andy starts off saying this season they brought in two new housewives, brought a veteran back and welcomed a housewife home from federal prison. He actually said federal prison! I am amazed. Dolores got fat relocation surgery to make her butt bigger. Because people are just that insane. If you had said in 1989 that people would be injecting and inserting all sort of thing to make their butt bigger in 2016, I would never have believed you. It’s batshit crazy.
Joe is getting his G.E.D. in prison and wants to got to college when he gets home from, um, college. Andy reminisces about the last reunion when he didn’t think Teresa would be back. Teresa says she is glad they waited for her, and that she is glad to be back but there are certain people on the show that make it ugly. This is the introductions, y’all. Teresa starts right in with the jabs saying to Jac she is surprised she showed up. Jac jabs back with, “Why I like confrontation, you were the coward that wouldn’t face me.”
The first question is from a view who wants to know why Jac, Siggy and Dolores (Right Couch) get along so well. Jac is making some positive statement and Teresa interrupts when Jac mentions “constructive criticism.” Until Teresa can pronounce constructive criticism, she should probably stay quiet. Teresa calls Right Couch “Jac’s soldiers.”
Teresa’s hairline is more apelike than ever. It’s time for the main event already?! Teresa versus Jacqueline. I have a feeling this is the entire two hours. RHONJ have the worst fake eyelashes. Teresa is still outraged that Jac said she committed fraud. Even though she was charged with 41 counts of felony charges related to fraud. Teresa is angry that Jac called her out for getting a Lexxus right out of prison. Even Andy asks her if she doesn’t think that since she owes all this money she could have gotten a Ford or something reasonable. Teresa says, “Would you drive a Ford?” Teresa thinks she is at the same financial level as Andy now? They are not peers in any way. Andy says “Sure, if I owed a lot of money.” Teresa says leasing a Lexus is not that much money.
Teresa says that she wants Danielle to come back to face-off with Jac. So that is her plan. I knew there had to be one. Damn she is afraid of Jac. Danielle posted a question on Andy’s Facebook for the show. “Now that Teresa worries about her own children finding out about what she’s done, how on earth does she not seek making things right with my children and the things she’s done to me?” Andy seems to be intentionally trying to get Teresa wound up. Andy has to explain what she did to her children. One of Danielle’s kids wrote about her life while being on the show. It was heartbreaking. Andy says that Teresa called Danielle a prostitution whore in front of her kids. Teresa shrugs and says “Oh, well. I’m sorry. My kids were there too.”
*Musical Interlude while Andy talks to Siggy and Dolores. No shade, I’m just exhausted.*
Jac talks about her new grandson. He is a really photogenic baby and mom and grandmom post a million photos of him every day. Someone asks if Pete proposed because she was pregnant. She says no, she didn’t know she thought she had a cyst and was having a lot of bleeding she found out when she went to the doctor for that. Teresa has a huge stank face through this entire conversation. Teresa starts a side conversation with Melissa, offended that Ashlee is a mother who is tweeting derogatory things about the two of them on Twitter. Um, Teresa, when you are charged with 41 felonies for fraudulent activity, you lose the right to criticize anyone else’s parenting. And you do look like an ape. Jac says Gia was tweeting her nasty things too. While Jac and Melissa are going back and forth and Andy is trying to get Teresa to say what Gia tweeted, Teresa stands up and starts twirling around asking if she looks like an ape. I can hear the whole sitting of Atlanta saying “yes” in unison.
Siggy defends Milania’s behavior.
More boring stuff…
We have had numerous lengthy montages. This one was of Teresa’s homecoming and Joe’s prison going. They talk about Teresa dancing with her brother. It was her sweet 16 and he was fourteen with a mustache. He says he had a mustache in the second grade. Andy asks when he lost his virginity. Teresa says she knows because she walked in on it. Joe says he became a man at nine years old. That is very disturbing to hear especially because it is a huge red flag for childhood sexual abuse. Teresa says she held that over his head their entire childhood threatening to reveal it to their parents if he didn’t do what she wanted. I don’t see the humor in this. At all.
For some reason we are revisiting the sprinkle cookie incident between Teresa and Melissa. Teresa is now denying that she threw away the sprinkle cookies and rewriting a brand new history.
After a break we return to Teresa accusing Jac of being a stripper. In Jersey all the women are accused of stripping. In Atlanta all the men are accused of being gay. And well, they are right at least half the time. I feel like we have been down this road before when Caroline was on. This is a big reach for something to talk about.
And Jac and Melissa were super close back then. Then we move to #StripperGate 2011, when everyone was talking about Melissa being a stripper. Teresa thinks Jac set that whole fiasco up. Teresa accuses Jac of selling tabloid stories about her federal crimes. Um, Teresa was the one sell all the stories she could back then. Somehow in the middle of this Teresa starts ranting about Jac saying her husband cheated on her with the secretary and the babysitter and others. Joe steps in to say that growing up anytime a guy cheated on Teresa she dumped him. Andy says she didn’t have kids with that guy. Teresa starts screeching at Andy about how she would move on the the hottest guy she could find. Then she says Jac’s husband tweeted on her. I just can’t with this. I have a headache and a small fever and Teresa’s defensive screeching is not helping.
And then out of nowhere Teresa comes out with “You and Caroline set up to go to prison!” Andy asks for clarification about whether Teresa is actually accusing Jac (and possibly Caroline) of calling the feds on her so that she would go to prison. Because it could not have been all the lies she told in bankruptcy court. She says yes, that is what she is saying and she is glad she got that off her chest. Andy and everyone else is shocked by her stupidity. Then Jac says to Teresa, “No wonder you’re so angry at me.” That is exactly what I was thinking.
Next week Teresa and Melissa scream at Jac a lot and then hold hands. Sorry this is not so great tonight. I’ve got some sort of change of season sickness or something.