In case you missed PART ONE THE BUS RIDE, you really need to read that first. Heather Dubrow got wasted, lost all her inhibitions and showed her true vile self on international TV. She was pure evil. We are now back on American soil. I wonder if they were allowed to fly first in that condition. They didn’t show the long flight home.
Shannon points at us and says, “Vicki, if your intention was to be cruel, mission accomplished.” Shannon is of course clueless that it was her relentless attempts to set up Kelly that continued to backfire on her and cause this entire shit storm. It all started at her Mrs. Roper party where her husband got aggressive with Vicki, while she was throwing Kelly to the lions. Totally Shannon’s fault.
Tamra drops by Shannon at her new house where presumably David hasn’t screwed or hit anyone yet to trash Vicki. These two masterminds can’t figure out why Eddie and David don’t care what Vicki said. They tell each other that Vicki is “making things up” because Vicki “thinks” they went after her man all last season. They did. They did a full blown investigation about Brooks. But that was okay because they felt they were right about him. So if Eddie is on TMZ next week in a compromising position with a guy, or a woman comes forward to say they’ve had an affair for years, or the police reports on David’s criminal history get posted all over creation again, then Vicki should be absolved as well.
When Kelly gets home she realizes how lucky she is to have Micheal. He listens to her and gives her great advice. He basically says to her that of all the horrible treatment she received over there, Vicki was the least horrible and perhaps she should talk to her and take some baby steps to repair that and go from there. I like Michael. That was not narcissistic advice at all. It was very compassionate and sympathetic. Hell, listening to Michael calmed me down!
While everyone else has someone to take their side when get back home, Vicki has Brianna. Brianna instantly blames her mother for everything without any context and takes the other women’s side. This is why Brianna is really the biggest cunt on the show.
Meghan and Kelly go to lunch. Meghan laughs with Kelly about Tamra saying she went home to use her 10x magnifying mirror to check her chin hair. Meghan gives Kelly great advice. Kelly says she is going to talk to Tamra. This was a very mature conversation. Just when I start to like Meghan, she rises above this entire cesspool and hightails it back to St. Louis. And no, I don’t think she has officially announced it yet, but she is building a nursery in St. Louis and I think she wants out of the sewer and to live a nice happy life with her new baby and Eddie’s good friend Jim in Missouri.
Kelly Talks to Vicki
Vicki sucks at trying to get herself out of the doghouse. She’s outright lying to Kelly everyone knows it. Especially us because once again, production rolls that beautiful bean footage. Vicki tries to say she told Kelly not to drink which is a step beyond supporting Kelly’s decision not to drink around the Cunt de Trois. When Vicki is the first one to try to literally pour liquor down the other girls throats. That’s like her thing, “You’re gonna whoop it up!, We’re in Ireland!”
Also notable in this conversation, she gets the puppet and puppet master metaphor correct. Except I’m not really sure who the pupper master was in the Cunt de Trois. Trois de Cunts? Le Trois Cunts? Whatever. Things ended with awkward one armed hug.
Vicki Talks to Tamra
Vicki calls Tamra on the phone. There will be no one armed hug after this conversation. Vicki tries right off the bat to blame it on the alcohol, but Tamra says right off the bat in a confessional that being drunk in Ireland doesn’t explain why Vicki told Kelly six months before the trip that Eddie is gay. Vicki seems to be angling for an invitation to film Shannon’s eating party for Tamra. Vicki says that she was not happy with the drunken brawl on the bus and she doesn’t condone that sort of behavior. Tamra was reclined at that point and literally sat up to blink. Vicki doesn’t like drunken brawls? Vicki has instigated every drunken brawl they’ve ever had. I know y’all are thinking, ” But Tamara, you like Vicki!” And yeah, I kind of do, but she is the instigator of the drunkenness and that is why Tamra was such a close ally. They both love to drink. Tamra has just been mostly sober for six months so she’s no longer a conspirator. Although she did drink a lot more than she told her spiritual adviser girlfriend. But hey, birthdays, sexual liaisons, drunken incidents don’t count on foreign soil. That’s always been my motto. But anyway, enough about me, Vicki is not handling this conversation well, she should have said what she meant, the gang up on Kelly was not cool. I don’t think Vicki is a malicious person. The Cunts de Trois? Absolutely black-heartedly evil. Vicki manages to Tamra to let her come to her competition.
Kelly Talks To Tamra
This recap is excruciating because there is so much specific dialogue to address. I’m brain dead and mixing up names and words again.
Kelly is a good apologizer. She says to Tamra, “So 100% I was wrong.” That is great when you are completely in the wrong but Kelly was not. She should apologize for saying what she did about Tamra’s parenting, even though it was completely accurate it was not nice. But as for the rest of the trip, she was the victim of a pack mentality out to get her. Tamra is going to do the Christian thing and forgive her. The Bible is big on forgiving other people for stuff, and doesn’t say nearly as much as asking other people for forgiveness; but she should be asking God for forgiveness of her sins against Kelly. Maybe she skipped that part. “Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us,” is sort of Christian 101. When I say Kelly is a good apologizer, I mean she says the right things and seems sincere. The problem with Kelly is she has to apologize so often and then after her good apology she says she didn’t mean it or that is not who she is. She meant it. It is who she is.
Tamra apologizes for pushing Kelly. She says she’s not a good drunk. These two are the same person. Tamra tells Kelly she should apologized to Shannon. Kelly says that Heather is not someone she wants to speak to ever again. Kelly promises to behave at the competition. Dear God, please let the competition be next.
Tamra Talks To Shannon
Tamra talks to Shannon about Vicki wanting to come to the eating party. Tamra wants to confront Vicki at the eating party with Shannon. Not sure what the plan is for Kelly.
I sort of love Tamra’s trainer. I sort of wish she would come over and spout Christian proverbs to me every day. So, did you notice who was not mentioned once this entire recap? Heather. Heather probably didn’t leave her bed for days from the shame of it all. Heather knows full well she was exposed and made a total ass of herself. Her attempts to play it off have been laughable. But unfortunately, this is an all in cast filming so she has to slink in. Meghan points out that Heather knows how to make a grand entrance and pretend like nothing happened as she greets Meghan, Brianna and Vicki and Kelly and Michael for the first time since her psychotic break on the bus. Vicki’s boyfriend is also in attendance at filming. Shannon and David come in and don’t speak to anyone except Heather, and poor beleaguered Meghan. Then she sits down and starts taking millions of selfies with Heather. Kelly starts taking retaliatory selfies with Vicki. HA! I kind of love Kelly.
Look, I don’t care what you think of Tamra as a person. She’s 48 years old and she rocked that competition. She looked incredible. For that, I give her major props. Her competition was not even close. I was genuinely happy for Tamra. Shannon walks off when Vicki and Kelly show up on stage with flowers and congratulations. Heather literally blocks them from being about to take photos with Tamra while Heather stands next to her as if she were her trainer. I’m not sure where in the Bible it says to be gracious, but the Cunts de Trois were anything but.
And this is the part where I say… Next week, on the finale, things are even worse.