Today is Teresa and Joe’s 17th wedding anniversary and Teresa’s Instagram has at least two arrangements “sent by Joe” amongst the photo of her mother in a fur and a gold watch and Gabriella’s 12th birthday party.
But on this episode, Melissa and Joe stop by the house that crime built with tons of Chinese food to feed the family. They have not gotten an email yet from Joe because he’s only been gone a day. Milania is on the largest ATV in the stable and going buck wild full speed all over the property.
Dolores is having a housewarming party and they all have concerns about Jacqueline and Teresa being at the same event. It’s just a day or so after Joe went to prison for being a criminal charged with 41 felonies. I checked to see if this was the finale, because Jaqueline refused to tape the final all cast meeting. The finale is next week and the title is And Then There Were Four. I can’t remember if Jac showed up for the reunion or if she officially quit.
Dolores’ Housewarming Party
This must be a huge scene because we are already starting with the party. Jac is sick and has lost most of her voice. She is wearing a black T-Shirt that says Namast’ay Away. Kim D is also there. Siggy posted a dress that Kim D “styled her in on Instagram recently and it was really pretty. Dolores’ whole family is there including her grandmother. She’s 102 years old and this might kill her.
Teresa calls to cancel on Melissa as they are on the way to pick her up. They play the clip of Jac calling out Melissa’s four nose jobs and it looks to me like she has had another one since this was filmed or else there is a lot Instagram filtering and contouring going on. Teresa says that Joe is calling tonight and she needs to be there with the girls.
When Melissa arrives she points to Jac and Kim D and says, “I can see the whole troublemaker crew is here…” Joe Gorga is being nice to everyone and Rich Wakile is being his usual rude, crude self. Jac isn’t feeling well and says she is going to go lay down in the car. Chris wants to talk to Joe. I don’t know why the guys all have to have their own scenes this season other than they must have their own contracts and requirements. Since there were only five women this season, it seems they gave all three husbands, “friends contracts.” These two are told to talk about the issue in Vermont between their wives. Joe says that Jac went buck wild on Melissa. Chris must be delusional, because he denied that happened. They roll the beautiful bean footage. The guys end their conversations with a decision to try to get their wives to reconcile. Chris has to go because Melissa is laying on the horn like a poorly raised teen coming to pick up his date.
Teresa and Milania had a scene where they cleaned out the garage that was already clean. I suppose it was supposed to be heartwarming. Milania’s lines the whole show are basically, “No one will replace my Daddy.”
Later, Teresa Giudice, New York Times Bestselling author of cookbooks attempts to make breakfast. Milania is better at breakfast. No one wanted Teresa’s egg sangwich. The littlest one was thrilled with her plate of bacon.
Siggy took her mother out to a hair salon and for lunch. It was exactly as boring as it sounds.
Jac is sick again. She really does seem sick. She is not going to Dolores’ gym event or Melissa’s Envy event.
For Dolores’s Lady’s night event, she has Siggy speak and sell copies of her latest book. Teresa teaches a yoga class. Because everybody knows that taking prison yoga for eleven months makes you qualified to teach yoga.
Melissa’s Fashion Show
There is a lot of drama just getting ready for the fashion show. This will apparently be the finale for this year. Thank God. This is yet another franchise that needs to be cancelled. Jac is not speaking to Dolores because she was too sick to come to her gym event and she feels like Dolores made it look like she just didn’t show up. Jac is telling everyone that the reason she didn’t come has to do with her not being on the publicity flyer that Siggy and Teresa were on. Dolores is confused about the whole thing, and so am I. Dolores had some sort of falling out on the phone with Jac where Dolores’ of all people said, “Fuck you!” to Jacqueline.
Dolores is off the Jacqueline train. This means that we get confessional time with new girl Siggy to once again explain the group dynamic to us.
Next Week: WE FINALLY HAVE THE FINALE. Melissa muddles through the fashion show. Teresa and her future husband discuss putting the house that crime built up for sale. The problem with that plan is that there was only about $100K in equity last we checked and the mortgage is way upside down. That is why the bank didn’t just take it already.
Eventually, they did film a finale with everyone, and Jac and Teresa exchange um, pleasantries. Now if you will excuse me, I’m going to lay down for a bit with some Anthony Bourdain. He’s taking me to Great Britain tonight. Sorry this is so boring. I’ll let y’all add the spice in comments.