By CJ Bomb
Hello everyone and welcome to Project Runway week four! May I start by saying I hope everyone and their loved ones are safe tonight in the path of the oncoming storm. My own parents arrived just awhile ago from Florida and I am thankful that they are safe and sound and riding shotgun tonight for this show. Prayers all around for everyone affected by Matthew.
Heidi walks out onto the runway and my mom immediately says, “That is NOT a good look for her.” Oh Mom, just wait. Heidi says that the contestants are going to have to DIVE IN to the next challenge and Tim walks out in a bathing suit and swim shirt with a pocket square. His legs are blinding me with their whiteness. I love Tim, but I’m sorry, I never never never EVER want to see him subjected to this look again. He should be in a dapper suit from Barneys at all times. Even at the beach.
The designers have to come up with a swimwear look. Bathing suit and cover up please, and the winning look will be sold in the Heidi Klum line! How many lines does HK have? And is this just a way to get free design? And a swimwear challenge, yay? The good news is they have to design their own textile and have almost NO time to complete it! YAY!!
Roberi is happy. Being from Venezuela, he gets beach wear. MJ loves a woman’s body, so he is definitely on board. Cornelius? He is terrified. As is most everyone else. They design their fabrics and head to Mood to pick fabrics for cover-ups and wish Swatch a happy birthday.
Erin is designed a geometric pink print which she will fashion into a low-cut “sex bomb” suit which hopefully will keep her out of the top three tonight so she can get a rest from being praised.
Alex is focused on designing for the everyday woman. He created a print inspired from one of his tattoos and says he just wants a suit that will work for all body types. As a mother of two whose 11-year-old recently told her she looked “kind of pregnant”, I will sell said 11-year-old for such a suit. (He also told me my stomach was “squashy”)
Dex is doing a snake pattern. It’s very spring breakish/panama beach-ish. He points out that if your print sucks you still have to work with it which is akin to eating shit and “No one wants to eat a poop sandwich.” Truer words Dex.
Jenni designed a mandala print. I am a yoga instructor. That is not a mandala print. It’s a My Little Pony print. Tasha wants to do a rasta-inspired print. Rik loves his black and white harlequin print so much he wants to make a speedo for himself. I love the print but do NOT want that image in my head. Brik has made a brick pattern. Way to think out of the box dude.
Sarah doesn’t go to the beach that often (I’m shocked), but designs a very literal retro print of an illustration of a girl in a bikini. She says it is for the girl hanging out at a pool party by the smoked meats platter. She said this. My mother asks, What did she just say? My head explodes from too many jokes trying to make themselves heard in my head all at once. Dex points out that designing a swimsuit is harder than a dress because you are covering up private parts. Hopefully in a flattering way. Truer words Dex.
Tim and Heidi’s Critique
Alex: They think his suit looks like a gymnastics leotard. OUCH. He ditches the blue panel to make the entire suit in his print. Smart.
Cornelius: Heidi asks him if he has ever seen boobs. My guess is no. He has the logo between the boobs which she hates and she tells him his high-waisted bottoms are unflattering. He beings to freak out as he has no extra fabric. Dexter: Dex is wearing his lucky bell necklace which falls all the way to his, um, private area which Heidi quickly points out. He has designed a mock turtleneck alligator suit. They tell him to go back to the drawing board.
Mah-Jing: MJ has designed a swimsuit in denim. Tim and Heidi are confused. Nat makes my favorite statement of the night, “Not even Rhianna would wear a denim bikini, and she’s the queen of trying new things!” Thanks Nat. You are right, not even Rhianna is that bat-shit crazy!
Roberi: He has made a print of feathers from birds from his home country. They love it.
Laurence: She has created a bulls-eye fabric of which Tim is concerned about placement of bulls eyes on the garment. Heidi promptly puts it on her boobs, because, Heidi.
Erin: They really like it. Shocker.
Sarah: Heidi says, I feel as though we have never met. Eek. She shows them her retro girl bikini. It does not go well. Tim says the work is sloppy. He tells her to fix it and amp the look up.
Brik: I hushed my mom here so I missed Brik on Bricks. Don’t think it matters.
Nat: They are concerned it’s too juvenile.
Jenni: WHOOOOO boy. They hate it. Hate the print, hate the color, hate the shape. Not good. She says she’s going to stick to her guns and own it. Good luck with that Jenni. That always works on this show.
Rik: They love it. Heidi says it’s easy but sophisticated. Tim calls it smashing. Nice turnaround from last week Rik!
The workroom gets very, very quiet. Who knew that swimwear would be so challenging? Sarah and Cornelius are losing their shit. Jenni decides to change her look because Heidi hates it and Jenni is not that stupid after all. Tasha is having underboob problems and Erin says what everyone is thinking, “No one wants the drama of labia on the runway.” Truer words. (and third favorite line of this episode) Laurence tells Cornelius not to freak out and Cornelius utters my second favorite line of the night, “I have to recalibrate my thong.” without a hint of irony or sarcasm. I’m just going to start randomly say that in public places to freak people out. Alex wonders why Jenni didn’t study the HK swimwear dossier like he did as her colors are so far off of the mark. Jenni wonders why Sarah didn’t do the same.
Heidi walks out on the runways dressed in a Jolly Green Giant hooker outfit. I’m trying to imagine Nina’s inner monologue right now. tasteleveltasteleveltastelevel….My mother says, “Good heavens! What is she wearing? I thought this was a fashion show?’ Lucky Blue Smith. That is our guest judge. Why? Why? An 18 year old Mormon model. My mother asks who he is. I pour her another glass of wine.
Rik: I have notebook I write in while I watch the show. Two words I wrote in all-caps: AWESOME and more importantly, SLIMMING.
Erin: I don’t think she has to deal with the top three as this seems safe. The boobs are REALLY far apart though. Cornelius: Saggy boobs and a plain sheer skirt? For once Cornelius will probably be happy he’s in the middle. Nathalia: This is a basic good swimsuit with a nice shape.
Brik: While I love me a boyshort, I hate me a uniboob.
Jenni: Her pants detached into a mermaid tail. She revamped her granny bottoms into something hootchie and the print still sucks. Jenni is in trouble.
Laurence: I wrote Bain du Soleil seventies. Perhaps because it reminded my of my mom.
Alex: One piece suit is beautiful. Coverup is boho-fabulous.
Tasha: teeny tiny ill-fitting bikini. She thinks she should be good, I’m not so sure.
MJ: Oh MJ with the denim! You are lucky there are so many other trainwrecks this week, my friend!
Dex: He transformed it into something less cheesy, which is saying something considering that print.
Sarah: If you are going to go retro, go RETRO. This was just sad.
Roberi: A monokini with a cool print. Elegant cover-up in awesome color.
My Top 3 Roberi, elegant and simple. Rik, elegant and simple. Alex, elegant and simple. Sense a trend?
My Bottom 3 Tasha, I love you girl, but your rasta suit? Not so much. Jenni, I hated this. Brik, I hate saggy boobs. Maybe I just think Brik needs to go and let the adults move along in the competition.
Judges Top 3
Roberi: (Thank GOD) Zak says it’s simple but effective. Nina wished the print were larger but loved it. Heidi thought it was flattering and modern.
Alex: Nina would buy this and wear it all the time. Presumably not to the office. The Ken doll says he has three sisters who would love this.
Rik: Zak says he “nailed it”. Heidi thought it was a string print and the suit was flattering. Nina said it was super-polished and the model looked ready to get on her yacht.
Judges Bottom 3
Tasha: Heidi said she should have owned the print and taken it further. Nina said it looked like the menu of a Japanese restaurant and the cover-up looked like the tablecloth.
Jenni: Nina said print looked like a yoga mat. Zak said it was Miss Piggy meets Golden Girls and I believe the phrase “granny stripper” was used.
Sarah: Heidi says, it’s ok, but not great. Everyone thinks the print and shape is too junior.
Winner: Rik!! Yay! I want this suit. I want this suit to make me look thinner! My mom agrees with this decision. I hope not about the thinner part.
Auf’ed: Sarah?? WTF?? As my mom says, “Hers wasn’t the worst, but it was the most boring.” And sometimes that’s all it takes in PR world! So do you agree??
Again, sending thoughts and prayers out to anyone affected by the Hurricane. Stay safe..xoxoxo.