Drugs are everywhere here in the ghetto. If I wanted to buy meth, there are probably five meth houses within walking distance. I imagine, if I so desired, I could drop by any one of them while out walking my dog, and both Banjo and I would be welcomed in.
“Hi! I would like to buy some of the meth you are making in there. I’m Tamara, this is my dog Banjo, he’s kind of aggressive so keep your distance. May we come in?”
In my mind, the meth dealer would say, “Of course, selling meth is my business. I can tell by your back fat that you are a new user. We’d love to have you as a customer. Have a seat and I’ll tell you all about meth, how we make it, and show you an array a packages you can choose from. We even have some free samples.”
He would offer Banjo a treat that I would decline on his behalf, because Banjo is on a wheat-free, grain-free, gluten-free, taste-free colorless diet infused with 20 superfoods and heavy on greens. At least theoretically. I’m guilty of enabling him with cheese, peanut butter, bacon, pork, cheese burgers and McDonald’s french fries once they get cold and gelatinous. Anyway, I’m confident I could leave the meth house in a reasonable amount of time with my meth, a happy customer.
Now let’s talk about buying pseudoepinephrine, as it was my drug of choice this week. Pseudoepinephrine is the active ingredient in Sudafed. The name makes sense now right?
First I should point out that I am against drugs. All drugs. Except cocaine. I really, really like cocaine. I haven’t had any since the 80s, but if I ever decide to be a drug addict, I’m going to be a cokehead. If I knew that next month, an asteroid would crash into earth wiping out all life forms except cockroaches and school administrators, I’d be wandering the ghetto with a sign like people needing tickets outside a concert. NEED TEN GRAMS! But I do not take anything from Big Pharm unless I have strep and need penicillin. Penicillin has been safely used since the 1940s. At no point have you seen class action suits against penicillin. Big Pharm makes no money off penicillin so they keep reinventing the wheel making things that are “better for different bacterial strains.” It’s hit or miss. There are plenty of class action suits there. I also take aspirin. Safe since the 1890s. No class action suits. And I only take one. One works. You don’t need two. I’ll stop because I am getting all Rainman.
I’ve been having a rough time with mood swings lately. I really thought I was past that, but I was wrong. So I went to the Publix yesterday or the day before, I don’t know. I also have no concept of time. But I went to the Publix to get some minor things and I happened to notice that there was no line at the pharmacy.
I have been needing Sudafed because my sinus glands on my face tend to get blocked and make my teeth hurt. In the past, I bought pseudoephedrine at CVS and it was a disaster. They kept selling me huge white pills full of who knows what that is supposed to keep the methheads from making meth. Apparently, the government’s plan is to make the entire population of Americans with sinus problems take unknown shit and see what it does to us so that meth can’t be made. So far, this doesn’t seem to be cutting down the meth business at all.
So I bought the shit with unknown shit in it and went home. Then I needed more. They sold me the shit with Advil also in it. I don’t need Advil, I don’t take Advil and I didn’t know there was Advil in it until I got home. So I went back. I told the idiots that I needed the kind with no NSAIDS or anything in it. I got home and the new box had Tylenol, and of course the mystery substance. PISSED! I went back and said I specifically asked for the kind with no NSAIDS and was reminded that Tylenol is not an NSAID. The bitch was trying me. Then they said they don’t have anymore of the random kind but…..wait for it…. all they had was Sudafed. Name brand Sudafed. Not extra mystery shit. Tiny round pills of sweet, sweet pseudoephedrine. The shit I had to buy four times was $12. The Sudafed that was not mentioned ever to me, was $5 and had twice the pills. PISSED.
So there I was at Publix, at the pharmacy I used to use a lot back when I had medical care before Obama fucked it all up for us leaving me sitting here needing surgery I can no longer get after depleting my entire savings on Affordable HealthCare and causing me to be living check to check for quite a while before recovering. I said, “I’d like a box of Sudafed.” Because now I know what to fucking ask for. The idiot brings me back 24 hour release capsules that are 120 mg. While this is a meth makers dream, I would be jumping out of my skin on that shit. Normal dosage is two 30mg tablets. I take ONE tablet. Because why? Repeat it with me, “You don’t need two.” Unless you have been taking two because Big Pharm suggests it all your life. In that case, hell you probably need the 120 mg shit. I don’t. I would just please like some 30 mg pills of motherfucking pseudoephedrine please.
At this point I should point out that these drugs are not just behind the counter but back where the shithead pharmacist is. Let’s call her SHP. I can see the top row of the two rows of products that include pseudoephedrine I ask the counter idiot, let’s call her CI, to bring me a box of all the Sudafed choices. She looks like I have asked her to strip naked, stand on the counter and do the macarena. I just want to see the motherfucking boxes of the motherfucking Sudafed. SHP, who has no customers and nothing better to do, dithers around with CI staring at the boxes.
I try to make it easier. JUST BRING ME ALL THE BOXES WITH PSEUDOPHEDRINE IN THEM!!!
Okay, now I am sounding like a meth addict. But it’s not my fault. They are idiots. SHP starts collecting boxes and walks out of my range of sight. CI stands staring at the Sudafed boxed completely dazed and confused. CI comes out with more Sudafed. All time release. No Bueno. I now say, Just bring me one of all the choices. She stammers that this is all the Sudafed. I say, no, bring be all the boxes on those two rows that are for sinus infections. The SHP says to give them just a minute or something that makes me think she is bringing all boxes she made off with. But no. That never happens.
So then, and I might have been a bit crazed at this point, I go and get one of the chairs that people wait in for their prescriptions. I drag the goddamn thing in front of the GODDAM COUNTER and STAND IN IT. All three tons of me teetering around while glaring into the forbidden zone. Is this a good time to pint out that I am a obsese woman who is PROBABLY NOT A FUCKING METH ADDICT! Though clearly I am having some sort of psychotic break while trying to get pseudoephedrine while standing on a chair in the pharmacy section of Publix. So, there is that.
Not knowing what else to do to get the fat lady off the chair and out of their pharmacy, CI is suddenly capable of showing me all the assorted options for pseudoephedrine. Funny how that works. There are actually about six different sizes of the product t choose from. I buy a box of 96!!! NINETY SIX!!!! for $12. The cheapest I had purchased the shit for previously was $5 for 12 pills. BECAUSE THEY WON’T LET YOU SEE THE OPTIONS! I am trying to buy a pig in a poke when I can’t see the poke, let alone the fucking pigs!
I now have enough to last me three years. Or perhaps I’ll become a damn drug dealer and sell them on the street. I know I’d rather buy it from a street dealer than have to ever go through that again.
P.S. I was amazed to find images related to this issue. It really does seem easier to buy meth and convert it back into Sudafed than to deal with a fucking actual pharmacist. Also, there are a lot of cartoons about Pharmacists whining about shit. This made me hate pharmacists even more.
So, how is your weekend going? As you can see, mine is just peachy. This is an open forum for your good news or rants. My misadventures of drug buying are simply my contribution.