As if Labor Day weekend was a big enough sign that summer is almost over, it’s time for the two night dramatic finale of Bachelor in Paradise. Oddly, they are still letting new people in on the last week. They saved Tiara the chicken girl for last. Nick, our next Bachelor, goes to Tiara and gets her to give up her date care so he can take Jen out on a date. These two have been pretty invisible and I haven’t noticed any major connection; however, when Nick was announced as the new bachelor, Jen went to the tabloids to say she was blindsided because they were still seeing each other. Whatever, Jen. Have several seats. Unless I see you getting engaged on the second half of this most dramatic finale ever, you have not serious claim to him. Ironically, they go on a date to a card reader who says that Nick is unsure and has one foot in and one foot out of their relationship. Nick pours on the charm and says all the right things.
Hey Izzy! If you dump a guy for the first cute guy who comes along, that’s your prerogative. But after you dump him, you can’t expect him to be there just because the cute guy tires of you after a week. OMG this awesome. So the new guy dumped her for the next chick that came along. She decides to leave Paradise and go look for Vinny. She calls him and he is not longer interested. He says there is no coming back from what she did and basically hangs up on her. Who knew Vinny had it in him? I hope he doesn’t change his mind. They literally have to pull the car over so that Izzy can have a nervous breakdown. You know what makes for good TV? A dramatic nervous breakdown, that’s what.
Then to cap it all off, Brett, the cute guy that Izzy dumped Vinny for, bails at the most dramatic rose ceremony ever leaving his new interest roseless as well.
If Wells picks this idiot Jami girl I will freak out. And he picks Ashley!!!! My life is now complete! I really thought they would make him pick someone else for dramatic effect. That said, I have no faith that Wells is going to take her virginity. If he doesn’t Ashley really just needs to hire herself a gigolo and get it over with.
Chris Harrison’s dress shirt has boob gap. Fat ladies, you know what I am talking about here, don’t deny it. Why couldn’t someone get him a shirt that fit? Chris tells the other five couples that basically they either need to get engaged or leave. He says they have one date and the fantasy suite to make the decision. Wells bails on Ashley because they have only been on one date and while they like each other, they are not about to get engaged because as Wells says, “that would be crazy.” Ashley, whose middle name is crazy and last name is McTeary, is very calm about the situation and channels up some sanity to agree and doesn’t even cry until she gets by herself. She rolls her wheelie through the wet sand without any major dramatics. And with that, my favorite part of the season ends.
Speaking of crazy, Lace and Grant go to get matching tattoos that say “Grace” which is their couple name. #Adorbs and something they can write off as a spiritual tat once they break up.
Carly and Evan meet up with a plus sized local woman for some sort of wacky body painting activity. The next day the guys go pick out rings with Neil Lane. Everyone is nervous. There are five couples and the previews say three engagement so… they are making us wonder. Neil Lane says he is getting tired of seeing Nick and wonders if he will see him again. Actually Neil, yes you will at the end of the next Bachelor. This ain’t Josh’s first time at Neil Lane’s rodeo either.
Carly and Evan get engaged. They may be the most perfectly matched couple ever on this stupid farce of a show. It was super nerd chic. And they lived happily Evan after.
Lacey was freaking out because Grant seemed unsure of whether they were ready to be engaged during their fantasy suite sexcapade. But they do get engaged and plan to live happily ever after.
Jen gives Nick a long and tearful speech. Which is ridiculous since I don’t even remember this girl or her spending time with him. Nick starts to cry, or more likely fake cry because he is about to break her heart. He gives her the “you make me a better person” speech and then dumps her. So why was Jen running around talking to tabloids saying that they are still a thing? Oh Nick adds in the whole, I wish my heart felt it was you. And then the big Kahuna, “You deserve someone better than me.” They have not gotten to the car yet, but once there I expect the let’s stay friends line. But that didn’t happen.
Now I am not liking Nick for The Bachelor. He should have dumped her early when Wes dumped Ashley. And we heard all his lame excuses for dumping the bachelorettes all in one dumping. He is going to need to work on his breakup speeches. Hopefully, I will have forgotten all of this by the time The Bachelor rolls around.
I do not believe this Josh thing is real at all. He has never met a girl he liked as much as he likes himself. This Amanda chick is a giant idiot though, so they do have that in common. She has kids that have not even been around Josh. I don’t think you can do a decent background check from Mexico. This is not good parenting. Also, she is going first, and that is always a sign that the guy is going to do something stupid. Well, that and it’s Josh.
But they get engaged. And they have already learned how to call TMZ and get them to catch them out with the kids. They will never make it to the altar. Andi Dorfman must be laughing her ass off right now.
But she is happy that Nick is the new bachelor.
Congrats, Nick. It's been a long road but you've always been genuine and real about wanting to find love. Now it's your turn! Best of luck ?
— Andi Dorfman (@AndiDorfman) August 31, 2016
Jared and Caila are not together. Go get yo man, Ashley! Vinny did not get back with Izzy. Carly is moving in with Evan in Nashville this December. She met his kids and can’t wait to be a stepmom. Lace has moved to San Francisco to be with Grant. No date yet, but the want to get married very soon. Josh moved to Orange County to be with Amanda and the girls. Nick is the next Bachelor.’
Me and Jorge are sad this season is over. But he is the only one crying about it.