We are getting Real Housewives of Melbourne on Wednesday and Fridays because Andy is on vacation running it at 10 will not interfere with his beloved timeslot which he changes on a whim anyway. It’s a because the show is almost a full hour of actual show and here in America we are stuck with networks who insist that a full third of every hour that airs must be reserved for commercials. Because that is how we roll here in the best country in the world. Le sigh.
I’m really looking forward to this after that horrific RHONY reunion.
Oh Lydia. Twenty years ago Dubai was a giant sand box. You know who went to Dubai 20 years ago? Expats with jobs there. Nobody was going there as a tourist. Yet you are so familiar with the place you don’t even know the dress code. I don’t think you are going to be amusing to me in my current state. Simmer down. Lydia says Dubai feels like home and she is going to show the girls around. I can’t. I don’t think I can keep up my Lydia love much longer after this one. She gets the culture? She almost looks like “them” Oh dear Lord. The one way to lose me is to be an obnoxious traveler. Please stop.
Oh Emirates Air got a plug. I hope they went in first. They have the best first class ever. Well, at least they used to be tied with Singapore Air, but now newcomer Etihad Airways has planes with actual APARTMENTS inside. Anyway, Emirates is still a dream airline for me. Sorry. I get sidetracked a lot with travel episodes.
I think we should keep our eyes peeled for the RHOBH who were there at the same time. Sorry, Aussie ladies, the suites are all full. There might be an aquarium one left over. The RHOMel must have been so pissed to see the accommodations the RHOBH got.
The ladies all meet on couches out near the water. Lydia and Petti walk up last and everyone compliments Lydia and ignores Pette. So Petti cries. Seriously. Janet’s white dress with the white Jackie O’s is to die for. She wins the outfit award for this scene.
Now Lydia says it was 25 years ago that she came to Dubai to supply furniture for “the buildings” (both of them?) and it was just desert. Chyka points out that their might have been one hotel here then. Lydia goes on and on as if she has read about Dubai on Wikipedia and is trying to act like she’s been there before. She sounds ridiculous. Someone actually asked her if she Google it. She says yes. Chyka points out that she has been coming to Dubai approximately once a month for the past five years on business. Lydia is trying to one up that with her ridiculous stories based off something she Googled. Lydia interrupts Chyka’s toast. Twice. To toast to her second home.
Part of the Atlantis Housewives Promotional Package requires that they highlight several different attractions of the hotel so they must all divide up and do their commercials in small groups. First up, Chyka and Jackie swim with the dolphins. But first they talk about Lydia’s one upping and interrupting the day before. Her Dubai nonsense irked me right out of the gate and I like Lydia and am watching from home. If I were the hostess for this trip, I’d have to have a little talk with her.
Lydia, Gina and Gamble head off to frolic with the sea lions. They are told to disinfect their feet. They take this to mean they should apply more bronzer. The sea-lion seems to be telling them something. I think it is trying to say, “I know Lisa Vanderpump. And you ladies are no Lisa Vanderpump.” Since Lydia is in this group, they talk about Petti.
Petti, Janet and Susie are thrown to the sharks.
Later they ladies eat at the Ossiano. Thank God they are not a Nobu. If I never see another Nobu it will be too soon. Janet starts stirring the shit between Gamble and Gina about Gina bailing on her in Byron Bay to go watch herself on Celebrity Apprentice. Gina tells Gamble that if she has an issue with her she needs to tell her and not start off a chain of gossip by telling the others. As she does this, she is creepily massaging Petti’s neck. At the dinner table. It’s bizarre. Then Petti tells Gamble she needs to focus on the positives from her wedding and stop dwelling on the negative. Gamble starts dropping the F-bomb and Petti follows. Lydia needs to blow a whistle and explain the behavior expectations for her home country here. Instead, Janet says that they should all take note that Petti is talking about someone besides herself for once. Petti tries to get out the tired insult about a village missing their idiot but her mouth is full and she seems a bit drunk.
Clearly we are going to go over ever single transgression that has ever occurred. I am not going to give a blow by blow of this.
Off to the mall. Everyone rags on Petti. Gina says that Petti is self involved. Pot. Kettle. There is a show store in the mall named Gina. They have the exact same shoes that Gina sells online, from the same manufacturer. Is this for real?
Of to lunch outdoors at Bice, with a great view of Burj Khalifa for Gamble, Jackie, Janet and Chyka. While Gina, Petti, Susie and Lydia eat in the food court. As food courts go, it’s quite lovely I suppose. The two factions discuss Gina’s early departure in Byron Bay the night before Gamble’s wedding. And Jackie and Petti’s conflict. In the middle of the food court, Gina and Petti tell each other to shut the fuck up, with a local man sitting feet away. Lydia, who was almost born in Dubai until her mother made it to the hospital in Melbourne, fails to address the situation with the ladies regarding foul language.
I forgot to mention that Gina is doing her confessionals in a pink bustier. I should probably go look for a photo. Sorry I got nothing. But it’s pink and see through except for the cups and the boning.
Sweet baby Jesus, this is the longest episode ever. Time to ride camels. Gina is already complaining. I must say that while this looks fun, it is decidedly not fun. It’s hotter than hades, the camels stink and spit and bite which is why the are wearing skull caps on their faces, and they stink to high heaven. Did I mention how badly they stink? The saddles wobble and there is a constant sensation that you may fall off and be trampled in to the sand and die. This is one of those things you should just watch on TV. Granted I was ten at the time I did this. But still. Once was once too much. It stunning to watch on TV though.
Gina makes it a full three feet before dropping off and turning back on foot. Yet somehow she arrives there before the ladies. We get a random belly dancer. So Petti jumps up to try to out do her. Bruce and their son, BJ surprise Chyka in the middle of the desert. She hasn’t seen her son in six months and had no idea they were going to surprise her.
The Aussies skip the whole being freaked out by camel meat scene. Instead they appreciate the dinner and get right to arguing. When someone mentions Chyka’s blog, Lydia chimes in to say she has a blog too. Lydia says that her blog was mentioned on The Daily Mail. Well that makes two of us, Lydia. Janet points out that Lydia doesn’t write her own blog. She knows this because it is in English. I bet she chains that housekeeper to the radiator and makes her do it! Lydia announces that she’s butthurt that everyone is talking about Chyka’s blog and not hers. Where do they find these women??? The ladies ask if she is competitive with Chyka. They were talking about the blog thing in this instance but Lydia goes back to saying she has been coming to Dubai for 26 years. So it’s 26 now is it? Susie gets in Jackie’s ear about Petti and Lydia talking about her. So Jackie brings it up to them. Petti tells Jackie she is a mean girl. Jackie tells Petti she is the mean girl. Jackie says she never talks about Petti behind her back. Well, she does only do it on days that end in y. It turns into a gang up on Petti. Petti starts to cry. They all keep going at once. Petti has had enough and screams “STOP IT!”
Hell if I would have know that worked I would have screamed it at the TV half an hour ago. So much bitching and bickering, my God.
Next Week: Next week, the women all reflect on their behavior and feel deep shame and embarrassment. They beg each other for forgiveness and all have a group hug. Then they toast marshmallows and make S’mores and go about in a circle telling each other what they like about each other the most. Oh wait. That’s not it. Next week, they behaving even more ridiculously. And Lydia recalls traveling through her mother’s birth canal and plopping out into Dubai fluent in Arabic.