As everyone knows Lydia is my favorite Aussie housewife. However, that could be changing as I am becoming an even bigger fan of Johanna, her maid because of her blank expressions every time Lydia does something stupid. This week’s hilarity by Lydia is that she is commissioning a portrait of Figaro, her dog. Hopefully it’s a nude, because I can’t stand people who dress dogs up like people. Fig always looks like he is in a bullet proof vest, or a life-preserver, both three sizes too big. Did Lydia just say that Fig showers with her? Wait did Lydia just say that the portrait artist has painted Johnny Depp’s dog? Was it one of the ones he brought into the country illegally? Fig has no interest in sitting for a nude portrait for two hours. Did it occur to either of the fools to take a photo and use that?
I do kind of love the portrait. I need one of Banjo. Same size. Although Fig looks a lot fatter in the portrait. Don’t tell Fig I said that. And as Petti says, he does look petrified. Perhaps I’ll paint my own.
We are back with Gina and her young man from central casting hired to play the part of her assistant. Gina has a huge head this season. She goes on and on about her brand and her millions of fans. Gina is smelling potential scents for her signature fragrances. Except she apparently doesn’t have a nose. Gina apparently invented the cell phone plan.
So I am going to hijack Gamble’s portion of the recap for a bit because she just got back from her honeymoon in “Broome” and being the travel addict that I am I immediately stopped to find out all about it. Here is a story guaranteed to make my Aussie readers snicker even harder, when I taught the second grade, the government would basically tell us what we had to teach and we were not to deviate from the curriculum. So clearly, I got in trouble A LOT. Whenever I see the Olympics I always think of all the times that I got in trouble for letting my kids eat lunch in the classroom with me and showing them as much of the opening ceremonies as I could get away with before an admin would come and ask me WTF I thought I was doing and point out that the 23 minute lunch period ended 17 minutes ago and I was forbidden from showing students videos that weren’t approved as part of the curriculum. I really got in trouble when the year my friend from Vancouver send my kids a box of Canookian flags and all the mascots and pencils with the flag and all kinds of other Canookian propaganda. We did a walk through of out school pretending to be Team Canada at the Opening Ceremonies and then presented one of my friend’s first grade students with pencils and flags and such because they were supposed to study Canada. We were practically FORBIDDEN from studying Canada as we were required to study Australia and Japan. Which we did with equal excitement.
So we learned the capital of Australia, which is NOT Sydney, and we studied koalas and kangaroos. Be learned that the outback was more than a restaurant that serves blooming onions and about the Opera house, and all my boys loved my flags from around the world poster (again, contraband not in the curriculum) and would draw the flag and we entered a contest about saving the damn koalas and two of my kids won prizes that were sent from Australia to the school which made them very excited. And I thought I did a pretty decent job.
Until now. Last week I learned that there are tropical rainforests in Australia and this week I learned about Broome! I wish I could go back in time and tell my boys about the dinosaur footprints! And there are camel rides on the Indian Ocean. And PEARLS! Sorry. Back to the show.
Gamble goes shoe shopping with Luke and tells him that he is attractive now, but he certainly went through an ugly stage. Oh, Gamble. She reminds us via Luke that the storyline for probably the entire season is going to be that Gina bailed early on Gamble to go watch herself on the premiere of Celebrity Apprentice. Luke says Gamble has terrible taste in friends and says they are all a violent pack of bitches.
Susie is trying to learn how to fold napkins so that she can teach her students to do so at her new…..wait for it….etiquette school. She is confused by the instructions because they are American. Look, I’m just reporting what is happening on my TV. She seems baffled that one should iron cloth napkins before attempting the very difficult three fold rectangle. Is she teaching etiquette or table setting or perhaps table manners? I’m not sure she knows. It seems that her entire resume of qualification for educating others on etiquette is donning a pearl necklace.
Chyka, her daughter Chessie, and Jackie arrive to be guinea pigs for her practice teaching. Um, they are going to practice articulation with marbles in their mouths. I believe the word I am searching for here is “bogan.” It sums up this entire scene perfectly, from Joan all the way down to Jackie.
It’s time for Petti to buy something ostentatious for no reason. This week its a grand piano. At least we get to hear the salesman play a Steinway. Apparently, it’s for her son who as had about three lessons in his life it appears. She ends up with a baby grand, allegedly. I’ll wait to see it in the house. Although, it is a bribe to try to get him to break up with his girlfriend, so who knows, maybe she does buy it. His girlfriend Emily shows up and they head off for lunch. Petti’s attempt to join them summarily denied.
Some kids are dropped off for Jackie to practice mothering. Are there absolutely no new storylines left for these housewives shows? The kids were actually quite well-behaved.
Janet and her ex continue to flirt with the idea of reconciling. Janet was unhappy that he spoke to Lydia like a human being because she is her arch-enemy. He tells Janet all she has to do is ask to come back to him. I think she should.
Jackie invites the girls to see one of her new venues and throws a middle eastern feast in a gorgeous tent. Chyka is really, really good at parties. It appears to be another invitation party. Chyka is catering a wedding for some royal someone or another and so all the ladies are going to Dubai. Gina really is playing up the self-centered act. Petti and Jackie get into an argument because Petti wants Jackie to help find her son’s birth certificate using her spidey senses. Jackie can’t bear to be around Petti with or without the use of her psychic vibes. Someone should just give Petti a St. Anthony medallion.
I must say, Petti does do a fantastic top bun. If she would just not talk, she might be tolerable. If she had a different personality and a different voice/accent she would be quite pretty. Petti and Jackie exchange some bleeped words. This Dubai trip is going to be fabulous.
Speaking of the Dubai trip. I’ve heard that the RHOMel production crew was in Dubai at the very same time that the RHOBH were there and they basically told the hotel that they wanted the exact same scenes and setups as the RHOBH. I’m okay with that. I loved the Dubai trip as far as the scenery goes. Same scenarios, different cat fights works just fine for me. Lydia is going to be Petti’s friend in Dubai. At least that is the plan for now. They will be coming for Jackie. Gamble and Gina will argue. Chyka will rise above it all.
NEXT WEDNESDAY: The drama begins straight away in Dubai. And I’m ready for it!