It’s time to put on makeup, it’s time to dress up right, it’s time to raise the curtain on RuPaul’s Drag Race All Stars tonight… The girls have been in serious lockdown so they don’t know who they’re competing against. They’ve heard rumors but they won’t know who else is an All Star until they sashay into the workroom (and we have a front row view as they figure it out).
Katya is the first to enter. She’s wearing a red leather dress and eyepatch (slightly reminiscent of her original entrance outfit) and says, “Happy Hunger Games! Bitches.” In Russian, of course. She’s adorable and bubbly and she left her fear behind in season seven. She’s followed by Detox in a poodle wig. “Well, this is hauntingly familiar. Here we go again.” Boy Detox has a neon yellow Johnny-Depp-as-Willy-Wonka hairdo (with matching brows). She’s as thirsty as that mop on her head. Alyssa Edwards swans in next. “Allllrighttt. My name is Alyssa Edwards and I need, I need, I need, I need, I need to get up in this All Stars gig.” Alyssa marvels at herself in the mirror. One thing you can say about Alyssa: she’s Alyssa’s biggest fan. Katya points out that you can’t have a conversation with Alyssa around a mirror. Tongue pop! A vision in green slinks into the workroom. “Riddle me this. Riddle me that. Watch out girls, this bitch is back.” It’s Phi Phi O’Hara in Riddler-ette cosplay, making light of her villainous reputation. The other girls seem a little wary of Phi Phi but that might just be editing. Ginger Minj strides into the workroom like a boss. She whips off her cape to reveal a lace bathing suit and proclaims, “Come on, All Stars. Let’s get… this over with.” The girls laugh hysterically. She goes right in on Katya, calling her diarrhea and telling her that she looks so much better with half her face covered. Which allows us to hear Katya’s amazing (honking) laugh.
A slimmer Roxxxy Andrews hasn’t given up on the crux of who she truly is. “Thick and juicy’s back, bitches!” She’s ready to prove that she can win without being a bitch. Only time will tell. Detox, clinging to her Drag Race past, starts talking about “RoTox.” I’m already sick of her shtick. Just wait til Alaska shows up. Ugh. Coco Montrese comes in checking her face in her Dorito compact. “Orange you girls happy to see me?” Alyssa Edwards looks even more freaked out than the first time she saw Coco enter the workroom. But it was just a fake out! They’ve “buried the hatch.” A mystery contestant enters, swirling an umbrella in front of her face. “Greetings. My message for the human race is really quite simple…” Alaska reveals herself just in time for her iconic, “Hieeee!” Her black trash bag gown is blowing in the wind like a true All Star. Tatianna, looking like a leggy Morticia Addams, gives her mostly forgotten catchphrase, “Thank you.” Phi Phi thinks Tatianna might be at a disadvantage because she’s old school and drag has evolved a lot since season two. Hmmm. Season two is only two years older than season four, Phi Phi. And then combat boots clomp into the workroom. It’s Adore Delano in all of her punk/emo/gothness. “Meow.” She may be a sloppy bitch but she owns it.
Suddenly “she done already done had herses” rings out and the girls realize the game is afoot. On the bigscreen, RuPaul welcomes her All Stars. Then she asks who deserves to go home and why. “What? Too soon?” she coyly asks, then cackles like the evil genius she is. A kinder, gentler, gentlemanly-er RuPaul walks into the workroom. She explains that there were many queens she could have brought back but she thinks each of these contestants has something to prove (to her, their fans and most importantly themselves). “So, from this moment on, everything you do is about building your legacy.” And then she drops the bomb. She won’t be eliminating any queens this season. The top two each episode will lip-synch for their legacy and the winner will receive $10,000. Uh, Ru, you left something out. Now the girls think no one is getting eliminated all season. Drama.
In order to get reaquainted, the mini-challenge is reading each other. Phi Phi says it’s harder to do when you’re friends. “Which is why this should be easy.” She compares Adore to the Value Menu. They’re both cheap and full of fat. The she tells Tatianna that she can’t be at the meet and greet without a wristband. And just to cap things off, she calls Detox Venus D’Lite. Shady bitch (I loved it). Detox makes a lame Coco Montrese/Janet Jackson joke. Wah wahhh. Katya shows her how it’s really done. “Coco Montrese, I always wanted to know what the female gremlin would look in 25 years.” Katya also tells Roxxxy Andrews she thinks of her all the time, especially in the morning at the bus stop. “Too soon? Too soon?” Alaska actually falls on the floor laughing. Coco does terrible. No one can even fake laugh for her. Ginger thanks Coco for proving that orange is the new black and asks Adore if she knows why she was voted fan favorite. “Neither do I.”
Oh, no. It’s Alyssa’s turn. She starts out by introducing Monsters, Inc. Okay, that was funny. I can’t understand the rest of what she said but the other girls thought it was hysterical so she gets points for sure. Tatianna tells Alaska her album Anus sounds like what her anus does after eating Mexican. “Hmmm, choices.” Adore let me down a little. I think she’s been out of the drag world too long. Roxxxy tears thru the girls. “Alaska. Like her outfit, trash. Coco. Way too old. And Adore Delano. Really?” Alaska calls out, “Detox. No really. I mean it. This is actually your intervention. You should really stop… this.” And the third member of RoLaskaTox doesn’t get off any easier. “Roxxxy Andrews. Obviously a diet consisting of nothing but hatred for Jinkx Monsoon does a body good.” And just because Langanja Estranja isn’t there doesn’t stop Alaska. “Come on, All Stars, let’s get All Started. Okurrr!” And she collapses in a ridiculous death drop. The winner is Alaksa!
The girls will compete in a live talent show to prove how their charisma, uniqueness, nerve and talent has grown since their last time on the Drag Race stage. The girls start the de-dragging process. Roxxxy puts a poodle wig on her head and she and Detox skip around the workroom singing, “Twinning!” Alaska isn’t having any part of it. “The original parts of RoLaskaTox are here however that doesn’t mean the band is getting back together.” That’s my girl! The queens start discussing what they’re going to do in the talent show. Phi Phi stuns the room by announcing that she is going to sing a capella. No one really knows what to make of that. Professional singer Ginger Minj thinks she’s taking a mighty big risk. You think?
Roxxxy acknowledges that Adore Delano is the biggest competition in the talent show. I agree. Not only does she have an amazing voice but she’s been touring and recording solidly since season six. While she might have a harder time with the more traditional drag challenges, this seems tailor-made for Adore. And after a night thinking things over, Alaska realizes that there must be more to the “no one will be eliminated” theory. “I feel like it’s too good to be true and I feel like people are going home.” Alaska (or production whispers) called it. But apparently the girls won’t find out until the last minute. Drama.
On the main stage, RuPaul is a vision in gold on gold. She welcomes judges Michelle Visage, Carson Kressley, Todrick Hall and guest judge Raven-Symoné. And then the curtain rises on the All Star Talent Show Extravaganza. Adore Delano kicks things off by singing (obviously). She’s a natural talent and even dragged things up by wearing “sequence.” Alyssa Edwards is doing a variety act. Really? Why isn’t she playing to her strengths, ie: dancing? I’m confused. Seeing her act I’m even more confused. She’s doing a ventriloquist act with a RuPaul puppet (but they’re both lip-synching their lines). Is that Alyssa doing Ru’s voice? No, it’s Shangela. Okay, she put the doll down and she’s dancing. Coco Montrese is also dancing. She’s doing an old school Hollywood routine but it’s odd. The best part are the cutaways to the other girls’ shocked faces.
As Tatianna explains, “We all make choices. That was a choice.” Also, it looks like Coco replaced her orange makeup with white highlights. Hopefully she has a makeup artist for her Vegas shows. Detox, a former member of the popular drag band DWV, is singing. Well, I’m not sure if you can call it singing. Her track is playing and she is beating on drums covered in neon paint. Each hit causes paint to splatter all over. Now she’s rubbing it on her ass. The live audience (and her fellow contestants) love it. She might not be singing but she’s putting on a real show.
Ginger Minj, on the other hand, is singing live. She has the chops. Katya, always an individual, isn’t singing or dancing. She’s doing gymnastics… Russian gymnastics. She does handstands, splits, backbends, all with her trademark Katya sass. And then it’s time for Phi Phi’s a cappella performance. I’m on your side, Phi Phi. Don’t fuck this up. She has an okay voice but she needs music. Well, it wasn’t as bad as Coco. Maybe.
Sexxxy Roxxxy Andrews is doing burlesque. I think she looks gorgeous but you all know I have a Roxxxy bias. As pasrt of her strip tease she removes her Marilyn Monroe wig to show the flapper wig hiding underneath. Yes! Remind those judges of your legacy! She ends with a feather dance. Alaska performs her song, Gayest Thing You’ve Ever Seen. Now, she doesn’t have the best voice in the bunch but she’s smart and funny and brings the house down.
Tatianna is doing spoken word. I’m intrigued. Her piece is titled The Same Parts. Shady production cuts to Michelle Visage scoffing at Tatianna’s use of the word “piece.” It’s actually kind of funny, it’s just way too long. Well, everyone else loved it. Katya gushes, “A 90’s beatnik doing a spoken word piece about her genitals. Tatianna’s number is my absolute favorite.“
At the judging table, RuPaul finally tells the girls about the elimination twist. “This season you’ll be eliminating Each Other.” Cut to shocked Michelle Visage (nice acting, boo). Cut to shocked Alaska. Cut to shocked Alyssa. You get the picture. In addition to $10,000 the winner of the lip-sync will eliminate one of the bottom queens. Alyssa still has her mouth open. RuPaul tells Alyssa Edwards, Detox and Katya that they’re safe. Yeah, Ru liked that Ru puppet. Michelle Visage goes in on Adore Delano’s look. Suddenly everyone gets nervous. This All Stars shit isn’t going to be easy. Adore knew Michelle was going to go HAM but she really went HAM. Not a word was said about her singing.
Uh oh. Todrick Hall and Carson Kressley weren’t impressed with Coco’s choreography and Michelle goes in on her makeup. She calls it soot. Carson loved Ginger’s voice but Raven-Symoné thought her song choice was bad. Michelle starts out telling her she looks beautiful but then drops the hammer on her camel toe. Michelle Visage is on FIRE! Todrick gets on Phi Phi for going in and out of key. Raven-Symoné tells Roxxxy she hasn’t been turned on by a man like that in a very long time. Carson calls her performance an event. Todrick calls Tatianna a force to be reckoned with and Michelle admits, “you had me at piece.” Raven-Symoné describes Alaska’s performance as if “I took mushrooms and was watching Pick of Destiny and then you flew in on Valkor.” The only thing they could complain about was her nails (which I found ironic).
Top queens: Roxxxy Andrews and Tatianna
Bottom queens: Adore Delano, Coco Montrese and Phi Phi O’Hara
The girls head back to the lounge and try to wrap their heads around the elimination twist. Do they eliminate based on the weakest performance? Do they take out big competition to get farther in the race? What about the backlash they’ll get if they allow friends to squeak by over more talented girls? Alaska thinks elimination should be based on the maxi-challenge. It’s only fair. Roxxxy agrees and actually wants to be sent home if she has a bad week. Tatianna brings up that she didn’t necessarily agree with the judges so she wants to make her own decisions. Roxxxy points out that the judges are professionals so their opinions should matter. Cut over to the judges drinking and joking, looking entirely unprofessional. Just a little scripted humor for the masses. Meanwhile the queens are going through it. Tatianna doesn’t believe everyone will stick to the plan to eliminate based on critiques. She forsees a time when friendships and alliances are going to come into play. Roxxxy decides to pull each bottom girl aside for a conversation. Phi Phi tries to throw Coco and Adore under the bus. When that doesn’t work, she gets weepy. Adore is a mess. Michelle’s critique really rocked her world. All of her insecurities come racing back. She even tells Roxxxy she doesn’t think she belongs on All Stars. Roxxxy tries to reassure her that she does. Coco feels like she deserves to stay because she went outside of her box. Roxxxy is scared to eliminate her because they’re friends. Coco leaves the conversation confident that Roxxxy will eliminate Phi Phi but I’m not so sure. Tatianna doesn’t feel the need for private conversations. She’s basing her decision on the performances so she already has all of the information she needs.
LIP-SYNC FOR YOUR LEGACY
Before the lip-sync, Roxxxy Andrews and Tatianna choose who they’ll eliminate if they win (but they don’t tell us yet). They perform Shake It Off by Taylor Swift. Roxxxy almost seems like she’s doing a burlesque version. Tatianna really connects with the song. Roxxxy does the Charleston. Tatianna is really impressing me. Is Roxxxy throwing this? I’ve seen her perform. This isn’t the Roxxxy I know. Meanwhile, Tatianna is in it to win it. Wow. I think Roxxxy gave up $10,000 so she didn’t have to eliminate a friend. Whatever, Tatianna deserves the win. I’m so confused. Roxxxy won. You know I love her but I still don’t think she was the best. Oh, well. Roxxxy eliminates Coco Montrese.
Ooh, RuPaul shows up on the big screen to tell Coco she still has a chance to return. For. Her. Revenge. Dun dun dun…
Next Week: a 90 minute snatch game episode!
And don’t forget Untucked, right here on TamaraTattles! TT: I’m not sure if there’s an Untucked but there probably will be one posted tomorrow morning.
Nothing is called Untucked yet. But they gave us this, which is the same thing.