In case you missed part one of the honeymoons episode, click here. The short version is Heather is going to be the bitch of the whole season. Contractually, they are required to stick it out, but I’d love it if she just left.
Tom and Lillian in Montego Bay Jamaica
Tom is still nervous about the whole “living in a bus” thing. So far he has told her that he owns his own place and is five minutes from the beach. Which is true. But, um….Tom… you really need to prep her for this in advance.
Activity for the day: Ziplining! They loved it. They love each other. It was beautiful. Let’s get on to the bus.
Instead we get on to the hot tub for sexy time. The next day they ride horses way out in the ocean. They did their pillow talk on horseback. It was a really beautiful scene.
During their dinner, Tom and Lillian start talking about the next step. Choosing where to live. Nick says he might just fall in love with Sonia’s place. She says he won’t because it is way too far from his work.
Nick and Sonia in Las Terrenas, Dominican Republic
Watching Nick and Sonia eat off an ironing board in my room each week has me thinking I would have whipped out my Amex and asked the damn honeymoon suite I belonged in at this point. However, I have learned from Catfish that when Nev and Max go to hotels in all the cities, they have to take down all the pictures on the wall due to potential issues with copyrights. They used to actually carry a painting one of the producers did and put it on the wall in each hotel room. The same goes for the walls in the home of the catfish and the a mark which is why I have my elaborate theories on paint versus CGI regarding that show. I’m just saying I’d need a better room, and one with a view. It seems their curtains are always closed. By the way, what is that fruit that Nick doesn’t want to try?
Activity for the day: Salsa dance lessons! This should be good for Nick. The instructors are showing him where to place his hands on Sonia. He seems a bit hesitant to touch her. The instructors insist on a good kiss at the end. It was cute. Then they go kite surfing. It looks super hard. They do it on a slalom waterski, which is hard enough. Nick gets up very briefly, Sonia does not. They are keeping score on every activity. Point Nick.
Later the have a romantic picnic on the beach. Sonia chooses that moment to bring up the argument from last week about the pace of the relationship. Later in the room the next morning, Nick gave Sonia some tourist trinkets from the DR for an anniversary gift. Aww. They head out for some ATV riding.
Derek and Heather in San Juan, Puerto Rico
These two. I mean I don’t know what to say. It seems to just keeping getting worse. Heather just doesn’t get it. She has no self-awareness. She says she woke up with a fresh attitude. I still see attitude, and it ain’t fresh.
Activity for the day: Surfing lessons. The instructor wants them of sharks. This is the least of Derek’s concerns at the moment. I thought it was super weird for Derek to say in the pre interview that he was hoping to hold Heather’s hand. It sounded like total bullshit. Then it all made sense when Heather was splashing out to the waves with the surfing instructor hold his hand. Derek did a fake confessional where that supposedly bothered him. Derek finds a hammock to hide from Heather in. It works.
Next they go climbing in some old Indian caves. This goes a bit better as there was no one else in the cave. Derek got almost as much attention as Heather’s phone. Sadly, they both seemed to consider this progress. Most of the conversation was production driven with some sort of activity similar to “Pillow Talk.” Then Heather hightails it out of the cave without so much as a “deuces” leaving Derek with the other tourists who have materialized.
So now we fight. As it turns out there was more to the situation with the surfing instructor than just frolicking through the waves holding hands. Apparently Heather is afraid of bugs, and the instructor had a bug crawling on his chest and she swept it off of him. Heather says in her confessional that she feels like she is talking to an emotional teenage girl. She is so horrible. I can’t even discuss everything she is saying. They take separate cars home from the beach. Heather ignores him and goes to bed refusing to do pillow talk.
Heather and Derek Skype with the pastor. Pastor tells Heather that her body language is terrible. She has he walls up. That is preacher talk for “stop being a bitch.”
Heather wanted to go to the rainforest and Derek said he was not up for it. She suggests the pool or the beach. He counters with the hot tub. She goes and refuses to get in. She keeps saying Derek is the one acting like a child. Derek is really hurt by Heather’s constant rejection. His confessions are starting to get snarky.
At their last dinner, Heather tries to get Derek to chug beer. She offers to chug her wine as long as he chugs his beer. She seems super focused on alcohol. She keeps telling us what a hard week she has had. She gulps her wine. She continues to encourage Derek to drink. Derek finds her a little more tolerable drunk. How old is she? Now she wants to go Karaoke. I hate Heather.
Next Week: Heather and Derek meet with the pastor face to face. Let us all pray that she bails. And Tom finally takes Lilly to the bus.