“Last week Carly broke Evan’s (Erectile Dysfunction Specialist) heart, but Evan was ready for a premature ejection! And rose to the occasion, putting Amanda in a hard spot, Will Josh explode in a rage?”
Thus is how the two hour episode of BiP began tonight. This campy nonsense show mocks itself more than Unreal mocks The Bachelor. Sadly, although Evan was able to lure Amanda to his little dinner date he set up, he got the “you deserve someone really special” speech and Amanda returned right back to her nonstop makeout sesh with Josh, the reality show douchebag. Seriously, who wants to make out for an entire day. Amanda needs to actually try to talk to Josh and he would not be so attractive to her anymore. Evan somehow got a ray of hope from Amanda.
Before the rose ceremony, both Evan and Nick try to tell Amanda about what a douchebag Josh is by informing her of Andi’s tell all book. They both are on the block to go home. Ultimately, Amanda sticks with Josh and both Nick and Evan are saved by roses from Carly and one of the twins. The two guys who went home were not even there long enough for me to know their names. They both read their scripts in the car to the airport with heartfelt emotion.
Caila, from Ben’s season, arrives in Paradise and all the guys are drooling and all the women are nervous. Especially the twin that gave her rose to Jared. Caila is totally the prettiest girl there now. And if I recall correctly, she seems like a really sweet person. Caila asks Jared on the date. After an awkward talk with his twin, Jared said yes to Caila. Nick starts swooping in on the discarded twin, who is apparently called Emily.
Cue the dramatic love story music, the crashing waves, the horseback riding through the waves, Caila’s hair blowing in the salt air and Jared falling hard for Caila. I think he would have proposed on the beach if he had a ring handy. Jared comes back and dumps Emily. Her life is over.
Side Note: I just told myself that the mac and cheese in the oven “could use another segment.” I should write a cookbook of recipes to be cooked when watching trash TV. After the third commercial break, pause your programming and give things a good stir. Watch one more segment, and it’s ready to eat!
Izzy (who?) and Lace get a double date card. It’s a BiP first! Lace and Grant are in love and ready to get married. Izzy and Vinny are in love and ready to get married. Izzy says she is “totally in it to Vin it!” Vinny says they could save some money on a double wedding.
Sarah and Carly plan their own double date with Daniel and Evan. This should be much more interesting because these guys are desperate for attention. While Daniel eats raw broccoli, the other three play a drinking game every time Daniel says something stupid. Sarah and Daniel make things super awkward for Carly when they try to make them kiss. Who does that? Carly sends Evan lots of missed signals. Carly tells Evan not to kiss her good night. Evan is drunk and sad.
Next we see a passed out Evan being shaken by a producer. When a producer comes on the set, you know things are going to be
good really bad. Evan is completely unresponsive to shaking and shouting. Medics are called. The producers go get Carly because they want someone to stay with Evan, who is now wide awake and seems perfectly normal. Was he faking? Is this a production set up? Of course it is. And it is working. Carly goes from practically refusing to stay with Evan to making out with him on his bed.
Just when I was feeling smug about calling the fake double date more interesting than the real one, Lace, Grant, Izzy and Vinny go out to a foam party in a bar in Puerto Vallarta. Travelers tip #1: When in Mexico, never leave the resort. Ever. So Lace and Izzy are laying on the floor letting random Mexican men hump them, and then decide to lay on the bar so their dates can do body shots off of them. Travelers tip #2: when in Mexico do not draw attention to yourself if you choose to violate tip #1. Some local girl came up to them and dumped a pitcher of water on Lace. Now we will get psycho Lace. The girl and Lace try unsuccessfully to get at each other, because Grant protected her.
Nick has the sads because Josh stole his girl. TWICE. We see him strolling alone in the dark on the beach, while Amanda gets fingerbanged by Josh. As Josh climbs on top on her Amanda says romantically, ” You’re so sweaty!” This is something that Chris Harrison pointed out at the rose ceremony when Josh’s white shirt was completely soaked in sweat and he looked like he had just been hosed down, by Grant, his fireman friend.
The twins start begging Daniel for a rose. Jared and Caila are enjoying their time together. It’s truly paradise.
Which is a great time to send in Ashley, the crying psycho chick who is obsessed with Jared. She brings with her a literal tropic storm. If she gets herself together, she would be PERFECT for Daniel.