So I just recapped the first episode of the season with Jayme and Lucas and it already looks like another season of someone coming on the show to promote something. On the first one it was the Playboy Model supposedly getting catfished but really getting air time. What will happen on the second one? Will I get to make a CGI/paint color connection through the entire series like last season?
Oh my, Nev has strep throat, so Max is going to do a lot of talking this week. I’m surprised Max doesn’t have it too. I’m just saying. Larissa writes in to say that she is 20 and lives in Yakima, Washington. She is hopelessly in love with a guy named Anthony who lives in San Diego. I swear I could write these myself without even watching at this point. But I do feel better that the email idiot is only 20. Having been 20 once, I remember how incredibly stupid I was. Over and over. Oh so funny I should write that, I swear I didn’t look ahead! She has been catfished before by a female friend of hers the year prior. Anthony was very supportive of her through that time. So the bitch is doing it again. And she is falling for the same chick. Can I stop recapping now? I’m super hungry. No? Okay. I could be wrong. It’s highly unlikely but you never know. Anthony has moved to Washington but still doesn’t see her.
Larissa is really dumb. She was “with” her boyfriend Jose (the first catfish who was really a girl named Kim) for three years without ever talking to him on the phone. They just texted. At the same time there was Anthony who was the supportive guy friend who suggested she might be getting catfished, who is clearly the same girl. Can I stop now? Sigh. Fine, let’s continue.
Well, she has at least been talking to a male when it comes to Anthony who now lives in Yakima allegedly which is a tiny town, but he still won’t see her. They boys realize how stupid she is and ask how much money she has sent him. She says around $500. Does the girl have some sort of vocal manipulation machine to make her sound like a man? Did she get some transgender meds to deepen her voice? Because we have made it through an entire episode this season without a gay/trans twist and that rarely happened last season. Transgender is the new black of reality TV.
We arrive in Yakima at a farm which is really beautiful. I wonder if they have good healthcare. Larissa lives with her mother’s boyfriend who is uber controlling. Oh, maybe it is him? But wouldn’t she recognize his voice? Max and Nev get super into her family background which is not that common. She has daddy issues. Max lectures here about sending her college book money to a random guy on the Internet. She admits that when he moved to Alaska “he cheated on her” and they tell her this means he is a horrible guy. Um, actually, for her to think that she can be in a long-term relationship with a 20 something male and expect him not to have sex with anyone else is more of an issue with her rather than the guy.
That CGI paint over the archway seems to be very similar to last year’s watermelon color. Now that I know it is CGI, I feel kind of bad they don’t get their house painted for free. The couches do have that new couch look at least.
Max is really going in on Larissa about her naivety. Nev lets her know she is setting herself up for a world of hurt and she needs to get herself together. Then they head off to do what anyone with access to Google could and would do the moment the random Internet guy showed up. They discover that the new guy’s real name is not Anthony, but Jose. You know, Jose, just like the last guy and he is in Kodiak, Alaska. I am still confident that Kim is behind all of this. But we are going to Alaska at least so that should be fun.
The guys go back to share what they have discovered so far with Larissa. She’s been crying. I’m on the verge of tears myself. It’s almost like production reads here and is trying to ruin my “find the CGI connection in every episode” fun. Perhaps they are leaving me new clues this season. I’ll look for repetitive doo dads in the dumbass house. This is my new thing. I love how Max and Nev act as if they have never heard of Kodiak, Alaska or that lots of people go there to work in canneries or fishing boats due to the high income. And every little thing has to be explained in excruciating detail to Larissa. I almost wish I was that naive.
We are going to Alaska! Once again the idiot getting catfished has never left her state. She’s only 20 so I’ll cut her some slack on that. But really, people. Get out into the WORLD! We get a lovely tour of Kodiak, Alaska who is likely the sponsor for this episode because the boys decide to just flash Jose’s photo around the small town while getting in the names of many local establishments to find him randomly instead of heading to the canneries. How many canneries can they be there be on the island? BTW, I think RHOOC is filming in Alaska for next season. I think the storyline has to do with Slade being from there. However, it is no coincidence when these shows all go to the same place. It means their tourism department is buying airtime. I must say I am buying what they are selling, though. Kodiak is AMAZINGLY beautiful. As was the likely second sponsor, Yamika, WA.
After we tour every promoted establishment on the island, we finally find Jose. Guess where he was? Did you guess a cannery? Then you are clearly smarter than this band of three is purported to be. They actually went into a bar across the street from the cannery before, you know, GOING TO THE CANNERY. The poor bartender tasked with pointing them across the street to the place with the sign that basically said HEY THIS IS A CANNERY, IF YOU ARE LOOKING FOR A GUY WHO WORKS IN A CANNERY, THIS WOULD BE A GOOD PLACE TO GO! looked bored and irritated with having to point.
Personal overshare time! Back in my day, one of my single older sisters was into a magazine called Alaskan Men. It was about hot Alaskan men who have high(ish) income levels looking for wives because most women with a lick of sense aren’t into Alaska. I’m pretty sure she wrote to some of them. I was too hot for that crap at the time and very um, socially active. Now, after this episode, I’m thinking that may be my summer destination for June 2017. Only half kidding. It looks amazing there.
Amazingly, Jose comes on camera. Why is that amazing? Because it means he signed a release and it also means the lady they first met signed a release. Now I’ve heard about interns for housewives signing a release without reading it on demand using the wall of a bar for their flat surface before, but this whole thing was highly staged through every promotional spot they were supposed to go through. So Jose is not shocked at all.
Jose is kind of a cute guy. Perhaps this is her real boyfriend and she needed a trip to see him? Kodiak, who paid for promotion of the town which they have said approximately 11 billion times, asked if anyone wanted to be the catfish and they picked this guy whose girlfriend lives in Washington state so the cost would be low? Hell, he could even be her brother for all we know. Figuring out the real story is why I watch this show. I want all the details about how the sausage was made.
Sadly, Jose struggles with his lines. Nev keeps trying to feed him and I get the feeling this scene was shot several times. He is supposed to say he made the profile to get back at Anthony for some prior incident over a girl. He seems nervous and has been given too much to memorize. Idiot girl on the other hand is really good at delivering her lines complete with hand gesture of a heart and it breaking apart. Because no one is really that stupid.
OOOH This is good. Jose says he is a fugitive from the law and on the no fly list and that is why he came to Alaska. Jose also seems to botch some line about he hospital in Alaska flying him back to San Diego. I can’t see a hospital shipping a patient off to San Diego, California which is approximately eleventy billion miles from Kodiak, Alaska. I’m also now worried that Kodiak, Alaska’s new theme is as Mas implies “COME HERE IF YOU HAVE MURDERED SOMEONE.” Max asks why he catfished her knowing she had already been catfished. He forgets his line again. So they cut for the day and send all the producers to coach and rehearse day two with him. Nev shows Larrissa a bald eagle on a post and they sit together and she says she feels better about herself. The Nev and Max therapy is complete. On cue, the bald eagle flies.
Larissa, who has cried the whole first half hour is now suddenly empowered and feeling better! Max and Nev are the best therapists ever! She has new found self-esteem, y’all! Off they go to meet the formerly homeless guy at his house which is in the middle of nowhere. We know he is a criminal, based on his own sort of admission, so everyone is nervous. There is a lovely sign that says, “Turn around, Fuck Off!” and yet the press on. Note to self: I need that sign for my front door.
Jose did not get the new furniture but he get the lime green CGIed walls, they left a lot of accouterments to let us know he lives in a dump. Jose tells a terribly long story about his sad childhood, life and you guessed it, low self-esteem. He’s a loner who got mixed up with drugs. He is going to run again and work on a boat. He said he lied about cheating on Larissa because he didn’t want to get hurt. He never had anyone who cared about him so he pushed her away.
When the two talk alone together, he tells Larissa he loves her and he still does. He regrets hurting her but that she is one of the best things that ever happened to him. These two are made for each other. Will we have a happily ever after? Larissa says no.
Max jokes, “At least you won’t be catfishing on that boat, you will be cod fishing!” Oh, Max, never change. Oh and Jose never picked up the $500. So the boys take her to get it back. I hope that was not all she was paid for this episode.
UPDATE: Larissa got a job! (So she dropped out of school?) And she is still in touch with Jose! But he is in PRISON. Not jail, PRISON. He still writes and calls hoping for a chance with her. She says she has more confidence now that she corresponds with a felon. Just like Phaedra Parks! Except it was likely not Prison, but jail because he is already out and on probation. So he is available girls!
Next week: We’re going to London! Like London, England! WooHoo!