Okay Lydia, let’s try to be the cheese loving loon I need you to be this season. I’m trying to be your biggest fan! Let’s do this!
There is some discussion with Jackie’s mom about whether Jackie and Ben should have a child. I see no reason to continue this genealogical line. My vote is no.
I am a nervous passenger, and watching these car scenes where they are on the wrong side of the road makes me anxious. Lydia continues her storyline of treating the help like slaves by announcing that she holds her slave’s passport. Lydia bringing Figaro to the Porshe dealership reminds me of all the women in Paris who bring their dogs shopping with them in Paris even during the Christmas madness. Mobs of people in high end stores with yappy dogs. The moment her husband is gone, she wants to get a sportscar rather than the one he suggested and she makes sure the salesman is not married before she takes him for a test drive. Andrew has a normal accent. Where is he from?
Gina meets with Petti to discuss Lydia. Gina tells Petti that she comes across like she has a chip on her shoulder. Petti thinks she is just quick witted. If by quick witted she means witless then she’s right. These two seem to form some sort of very shaky allicance. WHY, Gina, WHY?
Janet stops by to see Jackie and interrupts her getting ready to sleep with Ben. This is one less possibility for them to procreate. Nice work, Janet. Janet is back in contact wish her ex-husband.
I’m trying to feel someone thing during the Petti and son crying scene. But I’m not. It’s like a creepy breakup scene.
Okay, so Chyka and Susie take Gamble shopping for a wedding gift. I do not understand the ways of these peoples. Who takes the bride with them to buy a wedding gift. And why is there a Pottery Barn in what seems to be an upscale mall? What do rich people need from Pottery Barn? None of this is answered as the three women simply look at a cheap “drinks tray” and then leave for drinks. Apparently, Pottery Barn paid a lot of money to Arena/Matchbox. Wait. They seem to be drinking at Pottery Barn. The Fuck? Is Pottery Barn allowing people to bring in a bottle of wine to swill these days?
I have no idea what is happening in this Pottery Barn but Lydia is there so I am happy now. I have also determined that Susie is not our friend, Lydia. Please try to spill a glass of red on her if you can. She is not one of us.
Chyka and Susie seem quite comfortable in bed together. NTTAWWT. I’m just making an observation. Susie tells Chyka that Gina will have nothing to do with Lydia. Well, we will see about that, new girl. My mission is for a Gina, Gamble and Lydia alliance where they fly off to buy expensive cheeses and sit around eating cheese and real bread and drinking red win and talking about what a loser you are. And we are only two episodes in with you.
Gamble tells Lydia that Susie is a nosy no good meddler who said bad things about her. This store would be a great place for a pillow fight.
When the foursome reconvenes, we discover that Susie is apparently butthurt that the fabulous Lydia never really wanted to be her friend. Who can blame Lydia? In Susie’s very first scene she was spreading scandalous rumors about Lydia and her
boyfriend friend Shane the soccer player she bangs on the side does charity work with. Charity work! Susie needs to be mean girled right out of this group.
Janet goes to dinner with her ex. Apparently, this meeting is about Brian wanting to be on camera denying that he ever cheated on Janet because in his mind they were broken up months before Janet was aware they had broken up. He does admit to getting happy endings from masseuses in Asia, but only to avoid hurting their feelings. This guy is a piece of work. I am trying to determine which of these two has the most unfortunate nose. Petty, I know, but I am exceedingly distracted by both of them. And I fear Janet paid for hers. I can see her sinus cavities from my couch.
Susie and Petti meet at the gym. If these two could interact alone all season, I could zip right through all their scenes.
Gina joins Gamble for her wedding gown fitting. The gown is more illusion mesh than anything. Illusion mesh should not exist in the universe at all, but it is especially unfortunate for it to be part of a wedding gown. The good news is that this is apparently not the dress. The dress has not even been made yet. Did I mention the dress designer is also the sole wedding planner? And while I assume he is gay, which would instill some confidence in his abilities, the neck tattoo negates all of the gay male wedding planner points. Gina has similar doubts in his abilities as I do.
Petti invited Chyka, Janet, Janet and Susie to go riding with her. So that she can trash talk Lydia. Susie loves a round of bash Lydia so she is in. She says that after one of her divorces, Lydia spread rumors that Susie was cheating on her husband. Jackie jumps in to say that Lydia talks shit about everyone. Oh the irony there, Jackie.
Wait Lydia is a blogger? Did I know this? Apparently, I am doing this all wrong. I had no idea I was supposed to dress up like cat woman draped in hideous jewelry and have professional photos made. I’ll add that to my list after “for the love of God, call the hosting site you left months ago and stop the billing” and before “mail the corporate minutes to the LLC attorney.” Gamble stops by and these two talk about Susie and her gossiping.
Next Week: Jackie and Lydia get into it. I can’t stand Jackie and her Lord of the Rings husband.