Here’s the “Daily Tea” which is usually our weekend chatting place. I really didn’t think I would get anything posted on Thursday. Several of you have been very kind with your outpourings of love. I’m having a difficult time, and as you know I have to problems telling y’all the real deal.
If you have been here since the beginning you all know I went through a very dark place in perimenopause ( I think I MIGHT be IN Menopause YAY!) where I had a flood of childhood issues flare up out of no where and also found out my mother was aware of things that happened and failed to protect me.
I majored in psychology as an undergrad and minored in it for my Master’s degree. I remember the first time I saw Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, I realized that after like breathing and food and water the next level was safety. Those fall into the “basic needs” category. I knew then that I never made it out of that level. Beyond that is relationships and accomplishments and self actualization. Yeah, no. I have always been stuck at safety. Never accomplished safety. So basically I am only at the whole breathing and feeding myself stage.
I have never felt protected. Ever. I’ve been going through life alone because every time I think someone has my back, they don’t. I still love and miss my mother, but she did not protect me. I love and miss my father, but he did not protect me. I was raised to believe that the police were there to protect us, and my house was broken into and the cop who came to my house after several hours of me standing in the street crying basically mocked me when I tried to explain what had been disturbed and what was just me being too depressed to keep things in order and said something like, “What do you expect in this neighborhood?” As some of you know I don’t like to talk on the phone, until I do and then I don’t shut up. I was so afraid that I had problems remembering how to dial the phone. So I dial the number and then press talk? Do I press talk first? I was in full panic attack mode. Basically the 911 lady told me she was aware of the break in and I shouldn’t call so much because it took me three times to get through. I knew then that the police were not protecting me. But I hoped I just had a bad situation. It happened at a time when the cops were changing shifts. My crappy cop managed to lock himself out of the cop car. I hoped it was an abnormality. I continued to try to believe that the police are trying to protect us.
I long ago determined that out government is doing a shitty job of protecting us.
I sort of lost my shit over the last few days where people who are supposed to be protecting us, killed black men who were already subdued. I stupidly watched the video. I am sickened. Now this. Are we headed toward Marshall law?
I don’t feel safe in this neighborhood. I don’t feel safe in this country. I don’t feel safe. I have never felt safe but that feeling is increasing. My coping mechanisms are less than stellar. My best one is talking to you guys.
I’m again, like I said after the mass murder in Orlando, not trying to make this about me. I am trying to let you know that blogging is a 24/7 job. I have no writers working on stories at the moment. I have to maintain the blog daily. While every fucking mass murder we have goes on, some asshole are trying to post nasty shit and new nice people show up and comments have to be moderated. I work my ass off every day. I want to provide a space for us to chat and get the latest tea. I need this site and want you all to have a place to hang out and talk about what used to be fun reality shows.
I’m just telling you all that I am a person who is traumatized by all of these events that make me less safe. So if I take a few hours off here and there, if I am up all night, like I just was, please understand. I’ll get things done. I just need to sleep. And regroup.
And I don’t think this post just needs to be about the latest tragedy. I hope you will all continue to share your weekend plans. Please don’t let my dark overshare stop that.
In other news all of my in the ground tomato plants are dead.