Alright you guys I am going to make this the fastest recap ever because it is my favorite day of the year, Big Brother Premiere Night! And I care way more about that than whatever the fuck is about to fall out of Bethenny’s uterus tonight in the Home Goods Store.
Do you think Jules’ nanny quitting has anything to do with her husband? This just occurred to me.
I’m skipping Carole. It was the dog poop that made the final call.
Dorinda and Jules go shopping. I don’t even want to cove this trip to Mexico stuff now that I am thoroughly convinced it is not going to happen. In fact, the whole premise of the trip to taste Tequila for her margarita line never made sense to me because she sold that line and though some say she still has input, I don’t believe it and if she does it is minimal and she is not being sent to taste tequila with housewives in Mexico as part of her duties. I believe that scene where she announced the trip was shot after she bled out and realized she couldn’t go. Then Bravo cancelled the trip to follow her bleeding uterus storyline.
Jules wants Sonja on the nonexistent Mexico trip. Dorinda wants Luann on the nonexistent trip. Dorinda says that Ramona met Tom once for drinks and it was a one night stand.
Sonja makes up with Ramona out of the blue to tell her she is not drinking and she is working out. Ramona’s confessional is supposed to be supportive, but Ramona just sucks at supportive. Clearly, Sonja is trying to dash the alcoholic who can’t be invited to any filming storyline by refusing to drink on camera. Sonja’s confessional points out that Ramona is the real drunk.
Apparently, Carole’s scene is about a dog wedding. I will not be recapping a dog wedding and a bloody uterus in the same episode. Apologies. Sonja plans to apologize to Bethenny at the fucking dog thing so I may have to watch that part.
Ramona, the apologizer is teaching Sonja how to apologize. She does have the most practice.
Meeting of Bethenny and The Girl Who Lives in Her Ass
Bethenny shares with Carole how much bleeding she has going on (as she wears leather pants!) and Carole surely knows because it certainly must be seeping in to her living area.
Bethenny then tells the story of her meeting with Luann in the white suit versus the black suit where Bethenny was totally out maneuver by the Teflon Countess in white. Bethenny talks about how narcissistic Luann was. Clearly, she is living in 2012. She has never gotten over being schooled by the Countess when she came on to the show hawking cupcakes in supermarkets. She is completely focused on revenge for that.
Bethenny talks about how much money she is spending on this trip, “helicopters, excusions, and amazing house..” Oh bullshit Bethenny, no one has believed that the trip planner actually plans anything since 2008. This is almost as ridiculous as the time Phaedra Parks called some office in Ghana to let them know she was going to be in the neighborhood because she would be in South Africia. I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP! CLICK HERE! I suppose there are plenty of random watchers that believe that Bethenny is paying for this trip, but the real fans of the show all know better and she is looking more fucking ridiculous every episode.
Bethenny calls Sonja and Luann hobags. Carole calls Luann a bitch. Bethenny can’t go to the dog wedding because of gobs of blood! Actually it is because she has refused to film with Sonja. And Sonja is going to be devastated to find out she is not coming. Bethenny says she feels like someone sucked all of the blood out of her body. Interesting choice of words that indicates this is after she went to the doctor and found out she was anemic. Because she was on ET and GMA talking about losing 10% of her blood all day today. God Lord this woman.
Jules wants to sell some sort of potions. It’s a green juice. Maybe that is what Bethenny drank so much of for her miraculous recovery! Michael is there to support her financial independence. Her brand is Modern Alkeme. Michael tells the guy that this is just like Jules cheating on him. Because developing a business is without telling your absentee husband who pays you know attention because he is sticking his dick in the nanny is exactly the same thing. She knew she needed a revenue stream of her own.
THE HOMEGOODS BLEED OUT!
If this is a real scene it was filmed before the scene with Carole and Bethenny. I would LOVE to go to a Home Goods on the Upper West Side. The inventory varies widely by socioeconomics of the neighborhood and I live in the ghetto so I can only imagine how fabulous it would be to shop in this one. There is no TJMaxx branding in the store! I bet these rich folks don’t even know they are shopping at TJMaxx! I can’t wait for Bethenny to point out her products are carried there.
I love that Dorinda of the Upper East Side buys her linens the same place I do. This store is making me not regret missing Big Brother as much. I live and breathe for this store. I want to drunk book a ticket to NYC just to shop in this store. Bring this store to my mouf! Oh wait. Don’t do that. Bethenny is about to drop a uterus up in here. Please cancel my flight. I hope I drunk bought travel insurance. And these people didn’t even bother buying their TJMaxx crap. See? They were just kidding about that part. Off to the doctor we go! Because they have already set up the part where she has an appointment already.
Jules got a new nanny that she thinks Michael won’t want to sleep with. Did you see the nanny Arnold slept with, Jules? A horndog is not choosey.
Oh it’s the dog thing. I’m fast forwarding.
Bethenny and Dorinda film after the doctors. You can read all the details here. Bethenny apparently wants to have another kid. Oh God no. Get the damn hysterectomy! She immediately talks about the lost trip to Mexico with the caviar and helicopters. Jesus Christ for this I am behind on Big Brother??
I’m more concerned about that cast on Cookie’s leg. What is that story?
Shocker! I fast forwarded the dog crap and Dorinda tells everyone they are not going to Mexico. Ramona is devastated she has no place to wear her new swimsuit. Then she proceeds to walk off and cut the wedding cake and help herself by cutting the first piece of cake. People let her. Because it has to be made of dogfood, right?
Next Week: Is that Heather returning to ice skate with Carole and Adam? Why yes it seems to be. With Bethenny laid up, they need Heather to come film with Carole, because no one else wants to! Ramona tries to antagonize the Teflon Countess again. And Bethenny has to call her assistant to find out if she has a living will. I would think she would know that.
There was NO LUANN on this episode. But there is a full hour of her next. I will watch it tomorrow. Did you know it is the premiere of Big Brother? I am off to finish watching and that is all I want to do tonight. I can’t do another interview with Bethenny’s uterus tonight on #WWHL maybe tomorrow.