Yesterday was a very busy (and record breaking) day on Tamaratattles.com and last night as I was trying to wind down I happened to notice an old post from 2012 trending. Apparently, there was a late night insurgence of people Googling the phrase, “I Hate Audrey O’Day” so let me type it again to attract more like minded individuals. And that is why recapping this episode suddenly surged in priority to ASAP, which is now. Unfortunately, I was out renewing my car tags and getting emissions tests and going into a gas station swarming with cops most of the day followed by sibling phone catchups. So I’m here now, and I’m on it!
Oh this will be good. I had forgotten that we left off with the lab rats about to be confronted by under cover dating coaches who witnessed their crappy behavior in the club the night before. You must read about that! This should be gooood.
The hot guy that Aubrey blew off mid-conversation was kind to her but told her that common courtesy requires some sort of “good bye” or “it was nice to meet you.” Aubrey finds this to be unnecessary.
Willis actually asked the female dating coach to join him in the bathroom of the club for sex within seconds of talking to her.
Calum seems to have charmed the dating coach when the cameras were off but as soon as the cameras were on he immediately said, ” I don’t have to explain anything to you!” and walked off. Normally, I would think the guys would turn ON the charm for the cameras. But this makes me think he has a girlfriend and doesn’t want to get caught picking someone up in a bar.
Josh was a prick to the dating coach. Here is how I see what happened with him. Problem one with the coach, she is “too old” for him. She’s actually probably age appropriate, but the football types want them young and dumb. Problem two, she immediately brought up Kansas City. Apparently his brother plays football there and the coach was hoping it would be a point of connection. She mentioned Kansas City three times in under two minutes. I agree with Josh. I would see that as a potential gold digger and worse, a gold digger he was not interested in in the first place. Sure he left her hanging but that was his way of keeping her from buzzing around him all night. The male coach tries to tell him that he needs to be more polite with his exits. In this case, I disagree. He felt it was a setup and even said as much within earshot of the coach. He may be a dick, but this is not evidence to support his dickishness.
We learn that Calum has a tattoo over his dick that says “game changer.” We learn that from Somaya. Is this common knowledge?
That night, Brandi offers to cook but says there are no groceries. Conveniently, there is plenty of alcohol. Jessica, Somaya and Aubrey start trash talking Brandi for the flirtmance that started between Calum and Brandi almost right away. These two continue to stay in contact months after the show. Calum is by far the hottest guy in the house and the ladies seem irritate that Brandi has his full attention. The bemoan the fact that while she claims to be 40 and they think she is older (she’s 43) her titties are on full display 24/7. Aubrey in particular clames that she will never do that at her age. While I do see some sweet karma her for the bitch that constantly through around the menopause digs at her fellow RHOBH, I also fully expect to find Aubrey O’Day in Atlanta working at the Clermont Lounge in Atlanta by age 55. For you non-locals that is the home of the elderly strippers. It’s a place where strippers who can’t afford to retire go to earn an honest living during the third poorly written act of their lives.
Brandi meets with the therapist and gives the gory details about how she found out her husband was cheating on her from the tabloids. We’ve all heard this story from her books and RHOBH, but I must say I have a bit more compassion for her hearing it from her mouth. And she cries. Brandi says she was in a deep depression for two years where she cried everyday, drank too much, lost too much weight and had to up her anti-depressants but she had two kids to raise. She couldn’t really just lay down and wallow in it.
Brandi admits that she is attracted to men that are unavailable as a way to block future heartbreak. It took me a LONG time to realize I was doing that. Am still doing that. Sadly you still don’t avoid the heartbreak just because you know it is coming right from the beginning. The therapist says basically that the first betrayal is the worst so she can survive future betrayals because she survived the first one. Um, that’s not very helpful. How about we continue to just avoid the whole relationship thing completely and avoid the betrayals entirely?
Today’s exercise involves picking up a date at Third Street Promenade which is apparently an open area of shops and restaurants where people hang out with their friends. That person will be their date on a sunset cruise. It’s a colossal mess. Everyone who is fully participating, Calum, Paulie, Willis, Brandi is getting shot down left and right. Brandi is a real trooper about it. Willis is mortified and the televised rejection. Calum and Paulie smartly decide to work together to pick up two friends so that a random chick doesn’t have to agree to get on a boat with strangers alone. Jessica and Josh are terrified to ask anyone so far. Somaya seems to have disappeared for now. And, Aubrey is officially telling a dating coach she is not going to date any “suitable” men. One of my longstanding issues with Aubrey is that she doesn’t have a very tight grasp on the English language. She often tries to use words she doesn’t know the meaning of, like ‘suitable.’
Aubrey gloms on to Willis literally hanging all over him and decides to help him find a date. Josh continues to be shot down even when he is recognized. Or perhaps because he is recognized. Jessica asks a guy who seems to be either a plant or a reshooting of her original attempt to ask him out. He says yes. Josh finally gets a cute girl to join him. I wonder what the day rate for singles to play extras in Third Street Promenade is these days? Willis finally gets a date. This is probably a good time to point out that Brandi is dressed as a lumberjack or a lesbian for this exercise. Also, she is being kind of age appropriate and in that age range there are a lot more married and/or involved folks in the pond. Eventually, Brandi gets a cute guy to say yes. Unfortunately, her excitement on completing the challenge causes her voice to veer off into an octave so high only dogs can hear it. This should have caused the guy to change his mind immediately. I should also point out that her date looked quite young and had a backpack.
On the yacht, Jessica is happy with her date, Calum is enjoying his time with his date despite her not being “aesthetically what he is looking for” and we discover that Brandi’s date is in fact 25 years old. Aubrey, who refused to pick up a guy because she is by her own admission, stuck-up, barges in on Brandi’s date and starts talking about herself. He has no idea who she is and this really seemed to piss her off. At least she politely excused herself. So maybe she is learning something.
Next Aubrey gets in between Willis (who I believe she shared with us a last week has…um, a lot to work with) and his date. Then Aubrey moves on to interrogate Josh’s date. She asks Josh’s date who is a singer to sing for her and informs her she is also a singer. The girl says she will have to sing for her and Aubrey replied that she has two platinum albums so she can’t do herself like that. I guess she doesn’t want to share her voice with the world unless a lot of autotuning is involved.
Jessica seemed to like her date but she excused herself and went to hide on the deck. I know that right hand over the railing pose. She went outside to smoke. And didn’t return to her date. The dating coach has to explain to her that she invited a guy on a boat that he is now stuck on with a bunch of morons feeling like an idiot. Jessica actually said in confessional that she is learning that men have feelings too.
I got glimpses of Somaya on the ship, but I never saw her date and didn’t see her asking anyone out. I have a feeling she asked someone and they either dumped her before the boat, or they filmed on the boat and then refused to sign the waiver. Though normally they would have had to sign one first. Anyway. Something went on there.
Brandi points out that a lot of people really had a hard time being willing to be rejected on television. Josh doesn’t like being asked about The Bachelorette and he expects everyone he dates to check off all his requirements for a wife. Paulie doesn’t mind questions about Jersey Shore, but he wants to know how to make she the women are actually interested in him.
Aubrey said that the experience just didn’t speak to her. #Eyeroll She then says that she participated by going on everyone else’s date. The group leader asked for feedback. Brandi says that it was a bit uncomfortable and she thinks that Aubrey thinks she should be sitting over there (with the coaches and therapist.) Aubrey gives some sort of rambling lecture to Brandi where she seems to be saying that her success must be making Brandi feel inferior and that Brandi has had a problem with her since day one. Blah, blah seeping out of her pores blah. And by the way, she says, “I don’t like you either!” Aubrey literally went on a diatribe about how torturous it is for her to be around Brandi. We are on a commercial break and I don’t think she is done.
We come back to them replaying the part of Aubrey’s soliloquy where she says speaks about “the compassion and kindness in her soul” that kept her from really telling Brandi how it is. Brandi points out that all she did was respond to a question from the coaches to her about how she felt when Aubrey crashed her date. I don’t think that the therapist called Aubrey to the carpet the way she should have. Jessica, meek mannered though she is, did speak to it saying that they are there to learn to “love more” and there is not place for all of the negative energy that is Aubrey.
The group breaks and Aubrey walks up So Somaya (remember her? me neither) and tells her “I can’t stand her! I am so fucking pissed!” and because of the editing I assume she is talking about Jessica. Or maybe Brandi. But it Dr. Darcy! Apparently she must have said more to Aubrey than what we saw. I thought she was much too lenient with her. Aubrey is pissed that she took Brandi’s side as if it were a schoolyard argument. She says she is a terrible leader because she was looking for a flaw to point out. Um, see, that is sort of what happens in therapy you become aware of your own participation in the bullshit in your life and you take steps to change yourself to make your life better. It’s not about pointing out the flaws in others. Somaya is very happy to participate in this conversation. Probably because she literally had no camera time for the majority of the episode.
Dr. Darcy wastes no time in calling Aubrey in for a private session. She starts by telling Aubrey that it was unacceptable to eviscerate and humiliate someone in group. Aubrey talks about being defensive for a hot second and then is suddenly critiquing the therapist on her objectivity. An by objectivity she means the fact that she feels that Brandi is the wronged party when clearly Aubrey didn’t do anything wrong. Aubrey says, ” What I feel is that I am not being fairly looked at, and that happens a lot in my life!” Has this bitch made it to the ripe old age of 32 without figuring out that life is not fair? Had she been “fairly looked at” she wouldn’t even have a “singing career.” Let alone two imaginary “platinum albums. She told Brandi’s date she just put out a new album but the only album I can see her connected to was one in 2013 that generated 15,000 sales. If everyone in your life is judging you unfairly, perhaps it is you that has the wrong perception of yourself.
Okay I had to get that rant done. We resume with Aubrey saying that Dr. Darcy only critiqued her and not Brandi! Yes, this is true. That is because you were the cunt and for a change, Brandi was not. Then she tells Dr. Darcy, “I don’t fucking agree with this BULLSHIT!” Dr. Darcy points out she asked Brandi a question and she answered it honestly.
Then Aubrey cries and says that no one in the house has asked her a single question about herself. Dear GOD. This one is special. Maybe because you never stop talking about yourself!
We end with an odd hugging it out between Dr. Darcy and Aubrey.
But I can’t end without giving the shout out of the millennium to Brandi Glanville’s manager. Whoever got her on this show and coached her not to be a cunt is an industry genius. How they found SEVEN PEOPLE more irritating and offensive than Brandi Glanville is a fucking miracle. This is rehabbing the hell out of her image. If she can stay on the high road for the entire two weeks of filming.
Next week she sluts it up at a party. And Calum is jealous/appalled.