Tonight I am coming to you live from the trenches of the hood where fireworks were recently legalized and sold literally everywhere and fucktards all around are lighting them still at 11:20 p.m. Banjo is going to need to be knocked out for the next five weeks if we are going to survive this.
And now it is time for the fireworks that is the Real Housewives of Dallas. I believe there are only three episodes after this, not that I am counting them down or anything.
Stephanie is trying to plan Travis’ birthday extravaganza that he apparently expects every year to commemorate the day we were blessed with another jerk on the planet. She is taking Brandi, but he wants her to also take his personal assistant, Courtney. Is that what they are calling it now? A personal assistant? I think she is more of a sister wife than Stephanie realizes. What does this idiot do that he needs a personal assistant? He already has a wife who is apparently his slave. Travis encourages his boys to hit. He also wants Stephanie to jump out of a cake in a bikini and sing Happy Birthday.
And so Courtney is there at the venue. She a twenty something pretty brunette. Stephanie is an idiot and you know she will tell her boyfriend Travis everything.
We get it these two do boob jobs all day long. Do we really need to see the actual operating room each week? Oh joy, another birthday. This one is for their three year old. Mark is pissed because Cary got a vanilla cake and he wanted chocolate. Now we must endure more conversations about how much money Mark spends on her every fucking episode.
At least there were no sexualized scenes this week.
Does anyone else think it is weird that the most batshit crazy annoying crone on the show has the hottest boyfriend? Is Rich another “Walter” from central casting? Have we seen them being intimate at all? He seems to basically sit there looking hot and saying “um hmmm…”
Leeanne does look pretty in this scene. If she would just tone down the pink blush and you know, stop talking, she’d be really pretty. The Grace Place is a place for women with HIV. Sounds like a good cause but I could not find a website for Dallas. Anyway, Leeanne is going to be the keynote speaker at an event and I am wondering if this is out of order since in the first episode Brandi said that she heard Leeanne speak to women with HIV and made the entire speech about herself. Maybe not, they just flashed back to that scene.
The drinking word is “carny” as usual.
Okay I hate that blue paper mache necklace in her talking head but I love that giant purple rock on her finger even it is probably just glass. I love a statement ring. I have giant hands and need giant rocks. It reminds me of a really southern kindergarten teacher I used to work with who had a rich husband who used to say about jewelry, “If you cant see it from across the street, it ain’t big enough. Amen, sister!”
Leeanne’s speech was pretty incredible. It really was. I almost want to come around regarding her but I am sure she will attack someone before the episode is over.
Based on Stephanie’s positive feedback from Stephanie she calls Leeanne to try to invite her to lunch to clear the air. Brandi gives a heartfelt apology. I keep looking for what is so wrong with Brandi’s makeup and all I see is she needs some lip color. I hate when people wear fleshy colored lipstick. Other than that, she is really not wearing much makeup and seems really depressed. I feel sorry for her with her douche husband and suicidal brother. I’m always #TeamRedhead Speaking of her hair I would like to cut about five inches off the back and give her a nice straight edge. It would bring her out of the 70s. Leanne shares a little bit. But in Brandi’s talking head she seems like she expected more of an apology. I abhor when people expect an apology. Sure Leeanne was a giant gash, but you called her to initiate a truce. She showed up and she hasn’t spit in your face yet. I’m for moving forward. Why is everyone so goddamn sensitive? They do literally hug it out.
Leeanne finally gets a new talking head in this scene and I actually like this statement necklace.
I’m so over these conversation and so is my DVR because it stops every time this guy is in a scene. It’s like these two don’t know each other. They are now discussing basically how their upbringing affects their parenting. Aren’t these things people discuss before they get married and have kids?
All the girls wear gorgeous dresses. We know this because they all use the same word to compliment each other. For me, Cary who wore the dress she wore to her wedding reception and that’s because her wife picked it out. Brandi’s husband shows up. He does not arrive with Brandi. I don’t believe they live together for a second. I do think he is good friends with Travis because they are both colossal douchebags. I think they both have Napoleon Complex. If Rich is not a real choice then my second would be bearding for the rich dude.
Since Cary is the new target, everyone mocks her very expensive looking dress and her lack of desire to play dress up. Since Leeanne and Brandi have made up, Leeanne has joined in on the potty humor. Sorry, I have to fast forward this juvenile crap.
Stephanie does jump out of a giant cake for him in their hotel room. She tries to dress slutty for him and runs through stripper name and one is Porsha. LOL! Which reminds me I never gave y’all that RHOA tea. Maybe tomorrow.
Next Week: It looks like a road trip to Austin for more birthdays. Leeanne threatens to slaughter Marie. And Brandi gets whatever is past white girl wasted.