It’s time for Southern Charm so all hell is breaking loose. Fireworks have been on sale in every single grocery store, gas station and pig trail for the past week and at 9 p.m. like clockwork the explosions start and the dog loses his mind and like ten other things happened disrupting what was until 15 minutes ago a very zen and pleasant day. I was actually eating a Zensational salad when the shit started hitting the fan! /sigh.
Okay back to the show. Let’s get this baby out of Kathryn so we can have some drunk Kathryn this season! I missed the part last week when Landon said she just wanted to write content and have someone else run the website. Yeah. That’s not how it works sweetie. I suppose you want them to pay for your trips as well. What you want to be is a writer for Conde Nast Traveler, just like every other bitch with a laptop. The line forms behind me. You can find me by listening for the fireworks and the dog barking his fool head off!
Ah we begin with K. Cooper Ray and Kathryn all is right in my world again. (But Banjo may literally be hyperventilating.)
But my mellow is quickly harshed by an LA scene where Whitney has found a grocery store to stock “his LA house” and cook for “his girlfriend.” I can’t type that without giggling. I wish they would show where he really lives in Weho. Allegedly.
Kathryn and K Cooper Ray are at a spa for a seaweed facial and reflexology. Kathryn claims never to have had a facial. Hey Shep, that Shakespeare quote you mangled last week is ” The lady doth protest too much, methinks.” And this is an appropriate time to use it. K Cooper Ray even loosens his bow tie for this. These two look like siblings. Which makes K Cooper Ray’s brotherly advice even more appropriate. He tries to warn her that she is headed down a road with Thomas again that didn’t got the way she wanted any of the previous times and she should not fall for it again. He’s more than twice her and not likely to change. K Cooper Ray tells her that he believes in her. She should so listen to him, but we all know she does not.
Thomas and his sycophant, JD are once again tasting bourbon. So of course, JD takes the opportunity to trash his good friend’s fetus’ mother. JD seems to think the baby might not be Thomas’. Please. It’s hilarious that these two are drinking bourbon out of a decanter. If he had anything bottled and labeled he be going all Bethenny Frankel on us. And if he had anything ready to sell, one would think it would mar his product to spend every second on the screen disparaging a twenty-four year old pregnant woman. He has the nerve to say that asking for a paternity test does not speak well to the character of the pregnant woman. You know what doesn’t speak well to one’s character, yankedoodledandy? Constantly trashing a pregnant woman on international television.
It’s time for a Craig and Naomie scene. Why can’t we ever have REAL CRAIG instead of new fake job every season? Oh God, they are going to have a Sonja Morgan type imaginary launch for this Bourbon. I can’t with this. Why is Craig happy to look like an idiot douchebag every season.
The evil pod person that is inhabiting Cameran’s body this season meets with the shrill voiced delusional Landon who has decided to play the villain this season, albeit with tremendous competition, at one of those stupid pottery painting places that I was quite sure went out in the late seventies. Remember those green ceramic Christmas trees with the little holes for Lite-Brite type lights? Actually, they opt to make candles. Apparently, we are going to pretend that Landon is not fluffing Thomas and that she is really interested in Shep. I do not understand why we can’t have real storylines!
Time for the LA Boys Trip
Larissa is sleeping again in the house, AKA probably at her girlfriend’s house. Allegedly. New Craig tries to apologize to HalfWhit. A tentative truce is reached and sealed with a lackluster bro hug. Who gets paid for the Coors Light promotion? Bravo? HalfWhit and New Craig? Or both? Shep talks about that perfectly drunk moment when you are really good at pool. I thought that was just me! Then two more beers later and you start to suck again, but you no longer care. Larissa wakes up so they can all go out. They go to a private party that has been fully staffed with models. Or as Shep says models and bottles Which in the south actually rhymes, by the way. But Shep has deliberately worn a ball cap and southern frat boy attire to work his magic. This may not go over so well in L.A. He would do better to mention all of his family’s properties.
Stella is paying out the ass on Bravo shows, these days. First GG brings some to Asa’s house and neither of them really drink beer And now it is prominently place at the filming location. I guess the product placement covered the cost of renting this house. Next, we have a masseuse come to the filming site to rub down Craig.
The Ridiculous “Bourbon Launch”
It’s amazing how they are literally trying not so show the fake labels at THE LAUNCH! They literally hide it behind glassware. It looks like it has a polo horse on the label. LOL. Blanton’s Single Barrel Bourbon has a horse and jockey stopper, and amazingly this launch is at a horse race. It’s all such a convoluted deception. Right down to the Charleston Cup. Which they broke, apparently. There will be no Charleston Cup this year. I’m serious.
I was totally sure that Shep was lying about his Grandpa dying. They put up a photo and I’m like, isn’t that the elder George Bush? But it may be the only real thing that has happened on this ridiculous episode. So no Shep,no Kathryn, no Thomas. And probably no K. Cooper Ray. Does this mean I can fast forward this fiasco?
They show an oak barrel that has “Gentry Distillers Est. 2015” So of course I run a quick trademark check for that. Nope. It can be yours in the USofA for $199 filing fee. The only thing the least bit amusing about this rained out fiasco is the red carpet lady, which is literally Some chick in a red gown with a super long train pulled out to be a red carpet. It’s hysterical. Does that step and repeat really say “veteran owned and operated”? I am not even going to address that. This cast doesn’t even know to wear a hat to a horserace. And it’s raining so it’s even more reason to wear one. Kathryn would have. As would K. Cooper Ray.
The Baby Drama
Thomas and Kathryn meet to plan their trip to hatch the boy the next day. Thomas tells Kathryn that this one is going to be worse than the last one. Way to be supportive, Dickweed. Thomas was in the room last time and since this one has to be induced it seems like he can’t be in there? Why not? Plenty of women have C-Sections with the father in the room. Kathryn does legitimately look scared about having the baby. We get a fake call from “Thomas’ Decorator” and he says he is needed at the house to make decisions, even though we have seen his completely decorated home for weeks now. Again, surely with these two there is enough real shit going on without making up stuff to make Thomas look even worse.
Kenzie is such a happy baby. Kathryn and Thomas are getting a bit emotional and touchy feely. Kathryn is falling for the fantasy again. She’s in love with who she thinks Thomas is. Thomas offers to stay at Kathryn’s but she send him home so she can get some sleep. The meet up the next morning at five thirty to go spawn a little Thomas. Dear God the sonograms on the fridge look like a demon child. I hate when people show me their sonograms. They never look like anything, really. Thomas shows up on time and they both seem very excited. Especially given the nature of the hour. Kathryn holds his hand all the way to the hospital.
Sorry for the delay, I was ready on time I promise! It appears I will be living in a war zone every night until sometimes after the fouth of July. Assuming the fools don’t burn down the ghetto before then. Off to recap #RHOD whether I want to or not!