The world is still crazy even though Mercury is not in retrograde anymore and I have tons of boring tech stuff I need to do, but right now, I am going to watch Tour Group. Because it’s the best thing ever. I can’t for the life of me understand why every last one of you is not watching this show. #PearlsBeforeSwine
Tonight we are in Sri Lanka. This is not really on my bucket list. I’d love to go if you are buying, but there are loads more places I want to go first before I buy that ticket. That’s what is great about this show, I get to see what I am missing and maybe change my mind. I wish I knew who writes the titles for this show because Sri You Next Tuesday is the best title ever.
But first, no one wants to leave the Maldives. Especially, Misty who er…took her relationship with Jared to the next level there. Sri Lanka is a lot different than a five star resort in the Maldives. That is what traveling is all about. And Heather is already being a diva. I think when people complain on this show the guides should be force to zap them with a cattle prod. And Heather is Brandon’s cow at the moment and he needs to explain to Heather that this is not a who wore it best event while zapping her. I think they should all have to agree to one piece of luggage for the whole trip.
Wow! It’s only a two hour flight to Sri Lanka! I like Sri Lanka more already! While I understand that some of us are accustomed to drinking ourselves into a happy place on all flights, there is no alcohol on this flight and of course people bitch about it. It’s a two hour flight! Even I can stop drinking for two hours. And the last thing you want to do is arrive drunk into a very crowded place where you will need to be on alert for pick pockets and potholes on the way to your accommodations. It is a nice amount of time to join the mile high club since the group has the plane to themselves. #Misty
It’s 105 degrees in Colombo, Sri Lanka when they arrive. Let the bitching continue. Even Sandhurst is melting. Brandon announces that Sri Lanka is all about local experiences so they are taking a local bus to the hotel. I’m totally in for that! The rest cause Brandon to say, ” Hey, if you are being a giant cunt right now, raise your hand!” I think most of them should. Michelle however is taking up the banner of the perpetually offended and she is already rolling her neck and talking smack about it. Michelle goes off on the bus like a little cunt, literally exemplifying the behavior Brandon was calling out. Give her a high voltage jolt with the cattle prod. She is literally scaring the locals. They needed to screen these people better. Do you have anxiety without a hairdryer? Sorry this is not for you. Are you from California? Sorry this is not for you either. Will you have a nuclear meltdown in public over someone’s choice of words? Please, stay home.
Sandhurst gets off the bus and takes the cunt and the hairdryer girl to the hotel in a car. Because Sandhurst is the lady whisperer.
Amy has the bus pull over so she can pee on a public street. I am not kidding. Who doesn’t pee in the airport before getting on a long local bus ride. I feel sorry for Brandon. I would have loved this bus ride. Jetta and Misty actually talk to a local dude and have a great time trying to find out if Sri Lankans know who Beyoncé is. They do not. But they do know Michael Jackson. It did seem like a very long bus ride.
The hotel greets the guests with an amazing routine, that of course they had to do twice because of Michelle. As soon as everyone checks in Brandon seeks out Michelle to apologize again.
Meanwhile, my homeboy Michael is celebrating his birthday in Sri Lanka with his brother. It is also seven years since he ODed and went to rehab. Michael is so happy he is alive and so grateful for this adventure. He cries. He and Steven are by far my favorites on the show. They are doing it exactly right and are polite and well-mannered and representing Georgia in fine form. I am not crying. Shut up.
There are two groups for the first outing. One group goes to try on sari’s and get henna tattoos. I think that last part was added to placate Michelle. The other are going to go eat weird stuff with Rachel. I am not much for eating weird stuff, but I’d go to that one simply to avoid Michelle and get to know more about Sri Lankan cuisine in case I ever meet Anthony Bourdain and it comes up in our pre-coital conversations.
Oh! I chose correctly. I would be buying spices to sneak back home with me. Meanwhile, no one goes with Brandon to get a henna tattoo because, Michelle. The boys and Jetta have a problem of their own and her name is Rachel. Don’t let the cute face fool you, Rachel is one of those people who will eat anything. Included salted dried fish coated in fly poop. Even the Georgia boys were not pleased with this challenge. Jared and the girls go to a pharmacy which is always a good idea in foreign countries. The large ones in Paris are so packed with female tourists buying creams and potions you literally have to wait outside to get in sometimes. Jared buys Propecia and Viagra. Heather (the hairdryer chick and friend of Michelle) has much to say about that. I say he can triple or more his money when he gets home, and Heather is just pissed because Misty is getting laid and she isn’t.
The afternoon activity is a game of cricket in the streets. I’ll let you guess who doesn’t want to participate and instead goes back to the room. I wouldn’t be that into playing but I would definitely go and either try or at least watch. I would certainly not opt to sit in my hotel room like three little cunts.
Cricket seems very confusing and the ever sexy Sandhurst, who was the only one with any knowledge of the game, lost the game for Team USA. Was that an intentional case of butterfingers to appease the home team? Maybe. Was the score ever as close as they claimed? Extremely doubtful.
Brandon takes the boys from Georgia to the home of a local family to have a birthday dinner for Michael. Michael, well mannered young southern gentleman that he is concerned that they are going to meet a family straight from cricket where he might stink up their house. I bet they have incense for that. The episode ends with Brandon providing them with flowers for a hostess gift, but he informs them that he is not going with them. They need to navigate this experience on their own….
That was another fantastic episode despite the cuntiness. We are half way through the season. It’s not to late to join me on this magical trip!