I actually fell asleep before this show aired last night and slept until 8 a.m. so I didn’t have time to recap. Thank the gods that I may actually be back on a regular sleep schedule. I actually had breakfast and everything this morning. Three cheers for getting on normal people’s schedules! So today I was not going to recap this, because Reza, but Luis is on and I love him so here we go! .
WOW! The second the show goes on air we hear Reza off camera call someone a “psycho bitch” before Andy, whose tie is even more cockeyed than usual, can do his introduction. Seriously, we are not two seconds in and Reza is calling someone a bitch and Andy looks like he has been swung around the room by his necktie. This may be better than expected.
Adam is the bartender. He is wearing some bizarre type of getup that I cannot begin to explain. Perhaps I will find a picture later. The big news is that Adam has changed his name to Farahan effective yesterday. Wait, how can any legal matter be “effective” on a Sunday? OMG! Andy has out come out from behind the bar to show off his interesting ensemble and it is a vile, very deep necked, crocheted jumpsuit. I have no words for this. Clearly, Adam is into humiliation. NTTAWWT.
Reza explain that he and Adam have their actual Cartier love rings and the estate sale ring was just a little something on top. He shows us his own ring finger and we see he has the love ring with another ring on top too. I will refrain from public remarks speculating about the meanings of the second rings.
Reza told Andy before the show started that Luis has made out with GG. Luis cops to a single kiss in NYC while out with Fredrik and some other Bravo people. But Reza feels the need to tell Luis he needs to disinfect his mouth, and Andy feels the need to list other Bravolebs that GG has “been with” he begins with Jax , as if counting on his fingers, and that is as far as he gets. He speculates about some “Below Deckers.” Reza says, “no one has put her in escrow though” and even my sweet Luis laughs and laughs with the two biggest misogynists on Bravo. Seriously, what is wrong with these two? Is it because they don’t have sisters? Wait does Andy have a sister?
Andy asks who Reza thinks is at fault regarding Mike and Jessica’s divorce. Reza says Jessica because “She might have been in a relationship when all of that was going down.” Andy says, “You’re saying she was not the only one who was cheating?” Thank you Andrew for finally saying out loud that Mike was cheating. Reza responds saying that he was trying to get her back (after she left him for cheating) and she was getting a Rolls Royce and a Rolex from another guy. But Reza, she had left by that point you idiot! Reza claims that once she started having issues with the new guy she wanted to come back to Mike. I don’t believe that. Last I checked (which I admit I don’t do often) she was still with the guy! One thing about Reza is he is consistent in blaming and disparaging females. We are four minutes in and he’s already gone in on GG and Jessica. Reza admits he knew Mike was cheating. Hell, the entire Internet knew Mike was cheating. I had chicks crawling out of the woodwork and into my email with cheating stories. All were very similar and most met him on Instagram through a pyramid scheme.
Andy asked who is telling the truth about why MJ didn’t go to the wedding. MJ said on WWHL that is was because of Mike’s cheating and Mike told Andy it was because he wouldn’t give her a plus one to bring Vida. Reza says MJ did know about the cheating, along with everyone else on planet earth, but she didn’t come because Mike didn’t want Vida at the wedding. Reza goes on to insult Vida. Female body count is now at three and we are four minutes in. Andy just laughs and laughs.
Adam says he really was completely in the dark about the wedding. He was very happy that it did happen. Their marriage is going amazing and they are already talking about kids. Reza takes a big drink after that comment.
Andy says that Luis is “so cute” and Reza says “hello! That is why the snake made out with him because he is so cute!” Luis is all embarrassed.
When Andy asks who gave the best gift he said MJ she gave them a bunch of stuff. Then he says Mike gave a great gift too. As he explains some nonsense about how Mike gave them a check for $626 and he gave Mike a check for $500 ( net gift of $126 if you are playing along at home) he seems to be making eye contact with someone in the audience. It seems clear Mike is there with them. I shall wait to see if Andy acknowledges him. Mike being three feet away might explain Reza’s bizarre answer about the divorce.
Sidenote: There was a twitter war last night where MJ tweeted to Mike that his father cheats on his mother and Mike has multiple diseases. It seems most of this battle has been removed. Mike was really pissed with MJ both on the show and last night. I didn’t really understand the REAL issue. I do know that somewhere, Mike Shouhed was shitfaced.
Andy plays a gut wrenching talking head from the upcoming episode of #MDLNY where Luis is very emotional about not having a woman to share his triumphs with. I’m glad It’s nice bright sunny day and not 11 pm after a bottle of wine when I watched that.
A caller asks why Reza lets MJ be so rude about his wedding? Really it’s rude to tell a guy who has previously left his groom at the altar that a surprise wedding is a dumb idea? Reza responds, ” You know, I love that bitch…” and the audience laughs. Reza says she was acting like her mom but he is stuck with her for the rest of his life and they got past it.
A caller from Puerto Rico asks Luis about why he is still single. He says he has been working on himself to get ready. Reza jumps in to say that he can see the outline of Luis’ penis in his suit. He goes on to say he has been eying it since they were in the green room together. Even Andy found that comment weird.
There is no Shahs next week. There must be an awards show or a big sports event or something. Don’t laugh I don’t keep up with these things. I’m just making a mental note I have next Sunday off.
Andy asks what Reza thinks about MJ and Tommy’s relationship. He says, “You know if the bitch is happy…” More giggles from the audience. Then he says, “It’s like…she’s on the sale rack, you know…” The he says he was just joking. See? I do not hang around people who joke like that. Even if it means not hanging around my own family functions.
Finally, someone asks Luis about Ronita’s his assistant who I think would be a great match for him. He actually says she encompasses all the qualities he looks for in a woman but she is not….. he trails off and say…she’s my assistant. BUT SHE COULD STILL BE YOUR WIFE LUIS! #TeamLunita
Do clients hit on Luis often? Yes, but he tries to keep it professional. Reza on the other hand makes a comment that was bleeped about what he would do to close a deal. Heavy sigh.
Why weren’t any members of Reza or Adam’s family at the wedding. Reza said because it was all about Adam. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHH! Excuse me. And they are planning something for all of the family.
They play a new stupid game called shotski ball that results in Luis having to drink four shots one after the other, which he does. Seriously, Andy? The dude is 80 pounds and likely to get alcohol poisoning.
After the break Luis is drunk and Andy suggests a three way with the newlyweds. Reza is quick to say they don’t do that and gay marriage requires a lot of crazy glue and work to stay together. Luis seems slightly disappointed by this news, I must say.
Reza says he did NOT get a prenup. Interesting. Welcome to California, the 50/50 state Adam. Try to hang in for ten years.
When asked about Shervin, Reza says he likes him but “him and the snake” are too close so it’s hard for me to get close to him. He continues to refer to GG as “the snake.”
The poll question was who would you want as your realtor, Luis or Reza? They said Luis by 78%! Finally the morons get something right.
I hope they get Luis in an Uber because he really is wasted.