Tour Group Recap: One Wedding and a Bat Erection

This week on Tour Group, the group heads off to the Maldives. This means one thing, Sandhurst  in a Speedo. You have no idea how much I need Sandhurst in a Speedo tonight.

I am not really trying to understand all the hormonal women drama that is going on. I am just realizing that I could not do this show if I had to sit in the back of a plane.  I don’t care if it’s a commercial fight, a prop plane or a private jet, I cannot sit in the back without having a panic attack. It’s claustrophobic.  I also wouldn’t be very welcomed by the girls because they are just so obsessed with their hair and makeup.  I see no need for makeup at all unless you are trying to seduce Sandhurst, which is really what they all should be shooting for. Priorities, people.

The do seem to be taking a very circuitous route to the Maldives. I would have stopped in Qatar and caught up with them in a day or two. How could you not stop there and do some souk shopping?

I would be hanging with my homeboys from Georgia Michael and Steven who have never been anywhere and are very appreciative of the opportunity. The are adorable.

Do they have to scuba dive?

Heather just said that she enjoyed getting he hair blown out more than visiting the Maasai village in Kenya. She should have stayed home and hung out in a hair salon the whole trip. She can’t swim so she and Michelle are going to sit around and talk about all the people who have done them wrong in their past and skip scuba diving. As one does in a lovely resort in Maldives. I mean getting a another blowout would be a better use of her their time.

Rachel, the female tour guide was wandering around watching bats eat mangos when one of the bats  got an erection. Her response was hysterical as she was videoing the entire experience. When it was over she said, “Oh it’s small again please get another one.” I mean who hasn’t said that before on a tropical island?  What?

Jared asks Misty out on a dinner date. It was all very gentlemanly and appropriate. Our boy Jared may be becoming a man. Misty kind of reminds me of one of the girls from Big Brother, Nicole. I can’t believe I finally remembered her name.  While they are on their date Jay starts talking about Misty and Jared’s date.  Michelle is having a hard time enjoying her trip without a man. I do not understand this concept.

Speaking of men,  Sandhurst takes Heather to the shallow end (ahem) oh the pool to give her a very rudimentary swimming lesson. It is there that we see Heather is white knuckling through some childhood traumas.  In such cases, keeping up appearances because very important. Fine, I might be feeling a bit of compassion for Heather. But mostly I love that Sandhurst made her get her hair wet.  The swimming lesson was basically, “You can get your hair wet and still live. ”

Jetta and Jeff have a lovely vow renewal ceremony in the Maldives. I normally think once is enough for marriage vows but Jeff was nearly killed in a moped accident and for that reason I think it is a great way to signify their second chance at life together.  Sandhurst officiates the wedding. He is nearly as jittery as the bride and groom. I think that Jetta is wearing some of her Maasai tribal beads as a head dress.

Misty and Jared officially began their humpty dance in the Maldives. We know this because she was texting her friend the news at the dinner table of the vow renewal ceremony. Michelle finally uses her time on the islands wisely and flirts with Sandhurst, who seems to always be up for a good flirt session.

Next Week: Sri Lanka. I think visiting this place on TV will be enough for me.  It appears Michelle has a meltdown on public bus. Rachel bites the head off a whole fish at the market. They all go to a pharmacy to see what drugs are legal and over the counter.