This week’s word du jour at Tamara Tattles is “skeevy.” Use it three times and it will be yours for life.
Also, you really need to watch this with the captioning on. It’s government sanctioned shade at its finest! All the interstitial music is captioned as either (sad electronic music), (peppy electronic music), or, my new favorite (tense electronic music). Treat yo’ self. Put the captioning on.
Let’s get Dr. Mark and Cary out of the way now so we don’t have to dwell on them, this skeevy plotline, or the STD we may catch by watching it too long. Dr. Mark is what Jax would be like with a medical degree. Dr. Mark and Cary need to shoot new sexytime photos for their plastic surgery website and proceed to spend the entire episode doing so. The end of their storytime for the week. Buy-bye until next week when Cary shows up in some Bride of Frankenstein inspired ensemble that Dr. Mark had best not had a hand in, or his fashion cred is shot to hell. Seriously, from the previews it makes the Rinna and Nene Ramen Hairdos look high class. Moving on…
Stephanie has two terracotta Chinese warrior statues in front of her house. She has named them Gayle and Oprah. This is important and we will circle back to it in a moment. Travis and Stephanie are re-doing some rooms in their house, and Stephanie doesn’t understand why Travis has to stick his nose in the decorating side, since she thinks he has no taste. He may not have any taste, but he has the money, so, yes, he can stick his nose anywhere his wallet paved the way for. They hire some professional decorators. Travis has input. Stephanie is annoyed. They end up doing their sons’ room up to look like the locker room of the Dallas Cowboys (Sidenote: if you ever get the chance, take a tour of Cowboys Stadium. You get to go EVERYWHERE, including into the locker room,but, even as a non-sportsball type of guy, standing in the giant star in the middle of the field is really humbling and cool. Throwing a ball to an actual Cowboy? Priceless.) The finished product is pretty neat and includes a footlocker with air holes that is great for stuffing your younger brother into (as the older brother discovered) or, if you are the younger brother, to hide from the older brother. I’ve been on both sides of the older brother/younger brother equation, and every child’s room should have one.
By the way: Travis? Good guy. I like him. I like Stephanie, too, when she’s not with Brandi doing ignunt things. Give me more of Stephanie and Travis and less of Stephanie and Brandi, Bravo.
Now, onto the actual PLOT plots of the episode: The Sad Marriage of Brandi and Bryan & LeeAnne and Tiffany and Their Fight with the Thing on Marie’s Head
Brandi is sad, y’all. She’s still mad at Bryan, so to get away from it all (including the kids – WHO ARE NOT MENTIONED or SEEN. This is important to notice. The kids only appear when Brandi needs them to play off of – there are times when they SHOULD be there, but just aren’t, and we don’t know where they are. Brandi claims she doesn’t have a nanny or any help = not even her mom – and those kids are YOUNG. Are they in daycare? The neighbors? Are they free range children who only show up for dinner and leave when Mommy starts in with the vodka and poop talk?) she goes to Marie’s house to teach Marie’s daughter how to dance like a whore. Seriously. Oh, and to also trash talk LeeAnne, which Marie is all for and gleefully participates in.
A note on Marie. I have a problem with Marie going into all of this. Marie refers to herself, on both her twitter and her personal website, as a brand. Not as a woman who embodies a brand, but as a brand. “Marie Reyes is a sophisticated, luxury lifestyle brand for women of means.” I am not making this up. I wish I was. Marie also brought in Trollboy to literally spread shit about LeeAnne and started the poopypants rumor.
I don’t care for Marie. More on this later.
Brandi later goes to Stephanie’s house to drink (of course) and commiserate about her marriage. Before getting to that, though, they make ball jokes and grew pube jokes and laugh and laugh until Brandi mentions her Grandfather’s pubes and then they both realize they crossed a line and pivot to discuss Brandi’s marriage. Brandi drops the info that her husband, Bryan, who she loves and cherishes and would never embarrass on a nationally broadcast television show, chews his toenails and picks his nose. They laugh, then again realize they said something mortifyingly stupid and pivot back to sad marriage talk. “It’s fine. It’s fine. It’s fine.” Brandi chants like Meri on “Sister Wives”, before Stephanie says “It’s not fine.” We are back to the weird camera angles and eye makeup that make Brandi look like the robot Katherine Ross in the original “Stepford Wives” movie:
They end up concluding that Brandi is sad.
Somewhere in the midst of all this we have a scene filmed but shown out of sequence later wherein Stephanie and Brandi dress up Terra Cotta Warriors in the front yard. Cute, right? No. Remember that they called them Gayle and Oprah. They put a Do-Rag on Oprah. Not cool. Don’t mess with Oprah in any of her incarnations.
Later that week, Bryan is “at the airport” – we’re not buying that are we? That’s a euphemism for something else – so Brandi calls him to arrange a date/couple’s night out. Bryan agrees with all the enthusiasm as a man being sentenced to death. We also learn that one of the daughters is something a daddy’s girl and acts out horribly towards Brandi whenever Daddy is out of town. Daddy is out of town a lot.
For the Bataan Death March Date, they go to Texas de Brazil (and actually hire a babysitter for the kids!). Texas de Brazil is a churrascaria, where you pay an exorbitant amount and they literally just keep bringing different cuts of meat from various adorable animals to your table. It’s someplace you don’t eat prior to going to because…meat. I’m a carnivor. This is my idea of heaven. You get the meat sweats and it’s totally worth it. I have been known to spend an afternoon there. Steak! Venison! Lamb! Goat! Keep it coming! The more exotic and meaty, the better! This all goes to the point that they went and didn’t actually eat any meat. It’s criminal!
What they DID do, though, was argue to the point of Bryan walking out. Well, not actually argue…more like “discuss.” Actually, it’s a pretty one sided conversation, as Brandi keeps talking, and talking, and talking while Bryan alternates between sips of martini and sips of water. Smart man. Dumb wife.
Bryan: You’re saying I don’t pay enough attention to you?
Bandi: Did I do something wrong?
Bryan: (long pause) Yes (tense electronic music)
Brandi: I don’t understand you.
Bryan: Are you gonna cry? Seriously?
Brandi: Somehow it’s always my fault.
Bryan: (sarcastically) Didn’t see that coming. Dude. Seriously? I’ve had enough. I’m done.
And..scene. Bryan leaves Brandi alone before any meat has arrived.
Onto the juiciest plot of the night:
We start with LeeAnne and Rich (sexiest man on Bravo at the moment) discusses what to do about Marie. LeeAnne has found out that since the cocktail hour and the Streetcar of Doom, Marie has been texting Tiffany all kinds of bad stuff.
LeeAnne and Tiffany decide to confront Marie (at Marie’s home! Now, that’s a baller move) and Tiffany prepared by printing out all the text messages. They arrive at Marie’s, and before going in, hold hands and pray. Now, here’s the thing I feel I need to explain – this is perfectly normal and acceptable behavior here. People pray before everything. Just accept it and move on because it’s about to get fun…
The first thing we see in Marie’s house is a cat that is rapidly losing its hair and this very bizarre fascinator that Marie apparently wears to lounge around the house. I can’t find a picture of it but trust me it’s worth watching for. It’s offset on just one side of her head and is apparently copper wires soldered together by a blind woman who thought she making a mousetrap. It’s hideous. However, it’s perfect for this scene, as it highlights every facial tic Marie makes while LeeAnne and TIffany read her to filth. Also the captioning for this was (dramatic entrance music). Spot on.
After the initial kissy kissy hellos, Tiffany gets down to business, telling Marie she is not comfortable with this level or type of engagement from her and doesn’t understand why she would say things about her supposed good friend LeeAnne. Marie plays dumb but Tiffany whips out the printed texts, and READS THEM. Marie tries to cover with a “I’m just concerned about you.”
LeeAnne goes Carnie Epic and screams “I am NOT having a mental breakdown! I am pissed as hell!” Through all of this, Marie gulps and her eyes bulging, darting from side to side, desperately searching for the help THAT WILL NEVER COME. LeeAnne asks why Marie would talk with, gossip to, and share news with Brandi. Marie says she would never do that. Bravo Flashbacks immediately to Marie doing all three, back when Brandi was teaching Marie’s daughter to lapdance. They leave with some kind of weird truce reached, but not really, because we know that LeeAnne and Tiffany are about to find out the depth of what Marie did. Marie is still dumbstruck on her sofa, her stupid fascinator in place, vainly wishing that whatever planet is transmitting into it will beam her up and away from this, or turn back time, or whatever it is would solve this awful awful situation she created for herself.
You know how awful it was? So awful that instead of her normal 20 periscopes after the show she has only done about 3 as I finish writing this.
If you’ve been avoiding this show, I highly recommend you watch this episode. It’s getting good.
Next week: More Sad Panda Brandi, The Aaron Hendra Project Rocks a Charity Show, and Cary debuts the worst hairdo since WWHL Rinna.