Let’s hope this episode of Southern Charm has lots of Kathryn and K. Cooper Ray and little no nothing with Norman Bates and his mother, because I am in a craptacular mood and could really stand to be entertained.
We start with the required recap conversations that every reality show on Bravo does now. Which is stupid, because what made this show unique was that Cameran gives a little recap at the beginning. We do not need the ridiculous he said/she said recaps of the previous episodes every week. This is not Orphan Black here where we are following some twisty turny plots. Craig fake job situation does not need a recap. Everyone is freezing out Kathryn by refusing to film with her does not need to a recap scene. We get it. Let’s move this ridiculous farce forward, shall we?
Shep and Craig cooked up a plan to invite Kathryn and still not have her come on the mountain trip. Kathryn is pregnant and in the middle of moving and on “modified bedrest” so a trip to the mountains is out for her. Thomas says he is not going because she is not going. Basically, he doesn’t want to piss her off. He stops by to pretend to put together a crib. Eventually there is a finished crib there that is like a see through plastic prison cell. Is that what all the cool kids are using these days? Because I hate it.
Cameran goes to see a therapist because she is not really interested in having children. Maybe her lack of any maternal instinct has some role in her season two distaste for Kathryn? Cameran sees to think that having kids means “giving up control in your life.” Ask Kate Gosselin about that. I am not interested in this reality TV therapy session. Or really Cameran at all this season.
Craig stops by Kathryn’s new place to chat with her about Whitney. Oh we get a flashback to Whitney and his “houseguest” Robert who, if asked my opinion I might say that Robert is a gay man. This was at the very beginning of the first season. My theory has always been that Kathryn was supposed to cast as Whitney’s “girlfriend” for the show and when she decided to have a real relationship (such that it was) with Thomas, Whitney was furious and ended up having to recast the role to be some sexually fluid character actress in Russia or whatever far away country she is from. This is why Whitney hates Kathryn so much because by getting knocked up by Thomas, she leapfrogged him and took what he feels was his rightful place as “Thomas’ best friend.” Robert, Whitney’s “houseguest” was also in love with the idea of Kathryn in the role of Whitney’s girlfriend it seems. This had to be what really went on.
This whole scene where Craig tries to sell us on the idea that Whitney has been pining away for Kathryn all of these years and she “suddenly realizes he must be really into her” is clearly a revenge scene that Kathryn and Craig came up with to piss Whitney off. Craig and Shep both seem to be irritated by Whitney and the elderly yankee ladies demands about filming.
Shep’s Trip to the Mountains
Most of the group rides up together in an awkward little bus where they are all facing each other. Thomas, who told Kathryn he was not going drove up on his own. JD and Elizabeth are also driving up on their own, supposedly.
They all check into a trendy hotel in Ashville and meet in the lobby for drinks. Thomas has already had a whole lot of something when he meets up with the gang. He is accosting young women on the streets asking them bizarre personal questions. Whitney whisks him away in a bar thrilled to be by his side without Kathryn there to overshadow him. Landon too, is pining away for some T-Rav. Whitney and T-Rav separate themselves from the crowd and trash talk the bar and the music. Whitney says he thinks they are in a lesbian bar and Thomas says that it a great place to get laid because “they want to experiment.” I’m sure inside his head Whitney is thinking, “You really should experiment some yourself, there T-Rav, and I know just the guy for you! Have another drink!”
At dinner, Cameran notices that Landon seems to have a thing for Shep. Landon has a thing for everyone! Thomas is drunk as hell and says that he has to drive back that night because he told Kathryn he would not stay overnight. Craig says, “Why would staying overnight upset her? Landon?” BOOM! Oh drunk Craig I love your loose lips.
Whitney is becoming agitated because Thomas and Craig are talking about Kathryn. Whitney has attached himself at the hip to Thomas for this entire trip and he still can get any attention. He is having a little hissy fit and announces he doesn’t want to hear about Kathryn anymore.
After three pubs and a restaurant, the group continues on to a club for some live music. Thomas is white girl wasted and is asking all the artsy girls about their piercings. He did the same thing to one of the girls on the street. Perhaps if Whitney got a Prince Albert he could get the attention he wants. Until then, he will have to weep in the shadows of the balcony watching Thomas shag with some North Carolina girls. Can NC girls shag?
Thomas obviously spends the night, at least somewhere in Asheville, and he tells Shep the next morning that Landon really did not invite Kathryn to his birthday party. How the hell is this news. That was pretty obvious at the time. Basically both guys Landon throws herself at are discussing her lying.
Cameron decides she is going to rent a car with Whitney because she doesn’t want to be in a party bus on the mountains. While the party bus on the mountain roads is a horrible idea, being in a car with Whitney sounds literally, like a fate worse than death. Thomas heads back home.
Onto the bucolic town of Linville, North Carolina. Shep’s parents’ cabin is really lovely. JD and Elizabeth join the group at the cabin. JD tells Shep that Danni is going to be head of the bourbon department and that he needs to act happy about that. Danni is on the trip. Allegedly. Why? No idea.
Shep confronts Landon about lying over the invitations. She denies it at first and then cops to it. Shep is not happy with Landon, but he is not going to let it ruin the weekend.
Whitney, who clearly has no clue about grilling tries to tell Craig his going to give them salmonella for using the same flipper for raw and cooked steak. He is such an idiot. Steak does not carry salmonella. Whitney then instigates a Kathryn bashing session. Craig stops that in his tracks by saying Whitney’s problem with her is that he is just mad because she started sleeping with his best friend a week after staying with him. Why is everyone pretending like this is not news? It was the entire season one storyline?!
Back at her house Kathryn is resting up due to pregnancy complications. Thomas and Kathryn seem to be on the same page. They are both allying against Landon. That last part pleases me.
Next Week: Whitney denies ever having any sort of feelings for Kathryn. Kathryn’s inducement date gets moved up, and the drama with Thomas continues.
I shall now mourn the absence of K. Cooper Ray this entire episode. At least there was no Patti.