There was just way too much going on last night to do this in real time, so I will check it out now while refreshed and well-rested. I can already tell from the guide description this one is going to be a little bit different. At this point, I only watch to mock the idiots and search out the watermelon (and now pumpkin) paint.
Vince from Ohio who was “dating” as the kids are calling it these days, Alyssa online. Dating to Vince means texting and talking on the phone. Vince called the boys for assistance in getting his catfish to leave him alone. Alyssa says she lives three hours away in Indiana.
Alyssa is the catfish. She is the one who refuses to meet. They never video chatted because Vince wanted their first meeting to be online. Alyssa started being very jealous of everyone Vince had contact with. This eventually caused them to breakup.
Liz was Vince’s real life girlfriend after Alyssa. After the breakup, Alyssa showed back up on line and began reaching out to Vince. Vince thought they could be just friends. Which really, was all they ever were since they just have had text interactions. Alyssa went all crazypants with constant texts and phone calls. Liz even tried to intervene but Alyssa would not stop so Liz dumped Vince five days ago.
The Full Version of the Story From Vince
It doesn’t look to me like Vince got a living room makeover. They CGIed some blue and green paint on wall from the hall and perhaps the kitchen that showed up, but the furniture says this is mommy and daddy’s house and they didn’t want anything changed. Maybe the chairs that Nev and Max are sitting in are new, but that’s about it.
I know what you are thinking, why doesn’t Vince just change his number like a normal person? He did. But “somehow” she got his number again. This is going to be important. I think Vince probably gave her his new number.
Alyssa claims her mom got breast cancer and over the course of their relationship her mother died and Alyssa also got diagnosed with breast cancer. Vince supported her through it all and she texted for three months from the hospital. Whatever that means. She texted while getting chemo maybe? Ah yes, but even better, her friend “Miranda” was doing the texting from Alyssa’s phone to keep him updated. So Miranda is probably her real name.
Then Alyssa became very controlling and would tell him he needed to block girls on Facebook and such because they were in her mind flirtatious. Vince decides to dump her.
Apparently there are not cute places to eat scones in Ohio so we are stuck doing the investigation in a hotel room.
First, we discover that the real girl in the photos lives in Sacramento, California and is married. So the pictures are not real and the name probably isn’t real either unless she picked someone’s photos with her same name. The guys reach out to Alyssa and she looks nothing like her pictures. I mean, I think it is her, but her online photos are all of much younger version. She says that someone has used her photos before so she is not that shocked.
When they check out the phone number it goes back to a girl named Miranda. They find her Facebook page but don’t bother reading through it for our benefit. Weird. They do show her Facebook photo and I wonder if they needed a release to do that. Hell they didn’t even tell us where Miranda lives, did they?
The next morning they go to what looks like an office building to meet up with Liz. It is actually a bike shop with some doughnuts and coffee for sale. It’s all blurry until we get to the staged part free of logo and copyright issues. Liz is an interesting one. It seems that Vince likes dominant chicks. She tells the boys that Alyssa would text things like, “I wish you were here, in my pussy.” I can see how that might piss a girlfriend off. Also her cousin Miranda would get involved and text her asking how her relationship with Vince was going.
Sidenote: It looks like the bike shop got two black leather chairs. And lots of colorful paints and perhaps bike racks for all the bikes
Oh, I need to start paying attention to the story instead of trying to figure out if the paint is CGI or real because Liz is crying. She says she thought that he and Alyssa had a real relationship. She had no idea until Vince told her he was going to be on Catfish that she was an Internet only thing. She says Vince lied to her throughout her whole relationship. He told her stories about meeting Alyssa and going to her aunt’s house and all sorts of lies about things they did together. It was all a lie. Nev gives Vince a pass on all of the lies because of the stigma of being in love with someone who you haven’t met. Because he’s been there and done that. Nev is hopeful for their relationship.
Okay here is the thing. Now we know Vince is a liar. Perhaps he is lying to Catfish about it being online only. Perhaps he has been fucking Miranda the whole time and knows exactly who she is and back to my original suspicion about her having his new number, he gave her the new number. Unlike Nev, I give Vince zeros passes on this and strongly suspect that he is the asshole in this story. Also, I think that Liz actually is in the dark about everything and the whole Catfish thing was clearly set up by Vince long before they broke up because there is no way you break up and then five days later Nev and Max are on your doorstep. SOMEONE, either Miranda or Vince put this whole Catfish episode into motion months ago for some reason. Also, when Vince answered his initial video chat with the boys, they asked how he was and he said something like, “fantastic!” (subtext, “I’m on Catfish!” ) and the boys said that is odd for someone who just broke up with his girlfriend and he reigned himself in and sad basically he was trying to put up a good front or something. Liz on the other hand has the appropriate affect of someone who has just been blindsided by their boyfriend who dumped her five days ago for a Catfish storyline.
Even Max joins in on Nev’s side of blaming the ALLEGED Catfish, Alyssa/Miranda. Typical males.
The Debriefing Of Vince
This is the part of the script where the primary guest of the show is devastated by some crazy news about their catfish. Instead the boys start by telling him that Liz is upset that he lied to her their whole relationship. Vince says he is not that kind of guy and that he doesn’t keep secrets and that the one little white lie made things very bad. HELLO! TEN THOUSAND RED FLAGS! He is that kind of guy he lied to his girlfriend about another woman for their entire relationship and now calls that “one little white lie!”
The boys start to break down their findings for Vince. He is a TERRIBLE actor. He has watched enough episodes of Catfish to know this is the part where he is supposed to be devastated and ask for a break. So he does. But it looks like he just needs to go somewhere private to laugh out loud at how well his plan is working. Plus, remember he is following he normal script where this would be a situation where someone was in love with a catfish. But he is supposedly in love with Liz and just wants to find the catfish to tell her to fuck off. So whatever emotion he is trying to figure out how to emote isn’t even the right one. Vince is an idiot and a liar.
Sidenote: I hope to God that hideous yellow around the entrance to the house is CGI to cover up rotting wood or something because it looks ridiculous.
He just goes outside to smoke and mentally congratulate himself for getting his dumbass on TV. Nev goes out to give the usual speech that he normally gives the heartbroken person. Only that script makes no sense here either. Vince is not heartbroken. The premise of this script is “Get this bitch out of my life” the script is Fatal Atttaction not Catfish: The Movie!
The Phone Call Where The Catfish Reluctantly Agrees to Meet
While Max babysits Vince inside. Vince continues with the traditional Catfish script saying “Well I guess this is over now. I would never have a relationship with her.” First of all, woah boy, that line comes after you me the girl who is not as attractive as her photo. Secondly, Max points out that his storyline was that he wanted her out of his life, so like wtf are you talking about, dude? Finally, Max starts to catch on.
Meanwhile, on the phone, Miranda tries to continue to be Alyssa and Nev is not having it. She also wants to know if Vince broke up with Liz. Nev says that is irrelevant. Miranda is not very reluctant at all to meet up and agrees rather quickly.
The Visit to the Catfish (Or is it?)
Just when you think Vince could not look like a bigger douchebag, he out does himself. He turns to Nev from his passenger seat and leans in with a greasy smile and says, ” I can’t wait to look at her and say, ‘You Miranda live on a throne of lies.” He seems pleased with the lines he is choosing for this meeting and looks hopefully to Nev for a compliment on his intellectual genius. Max is in the backseat looking like he is going to throw up, and Nev seems uncomfortable and perhaps a bit nauseous himself.
The next morning in the hotel room, the boys pick up Vince and head over to “Miranda’s friend’s house” via a dirt road called Grave street. The house is straight out of Amityville Horror. Is that the watermelon paint on the deck? All of the windows are covered and blacked out.
Miranda is a short little fireplug of a girl. She delivers her lines with much trepidation. Vince continues his terrible acting. It’s beyond terrible. Miranda, who is quite overweight, says that everything she said was true except for the pictures. Because that is the standard line. However, when questioned about the cancer stories she says those were lies too.
Miranda says that Vince is not that innocent either. Basically, they have been sexting and she has the dick pics to prove it. He has also told her that he would break up with Liz for her. Vince is all,” Yes I did that, but whatever.” Max finally draws Nev a diagram of how douchey Vince is. Vince is offended (doncha love it?!) that Max is making him look like an asshole. Max says Vince is doing a fine job of that all by himself.
Vince mutters on the way to the van “They are making me look like a fucking asshole.” No, douchebag. Most people with eyes saw that you are a fucking asshole from the time Liz weighed in.
The Second Visit
Liz and Vince texted the night after the first visit and she dumped him. Somehow Vince uses this as a reason not to go on the second visit to see Miranda. When the boys say they are going anyway, Vince says, “Well, I hope you guys get the answers you are looking for!” What the fuck?
The boys decide to put Vince back on the road before they leave to visit Miranda. It’s like they can’t dump his dumbass any faster if they tried.
Back at Miranda’s we discover the possible watermelon paint on the deck is CGI. As they are walking up the steps the paint on the floorboards are peeling. But when they sit down outside the deck is “freshly painted” as are the Adirondack chairs of the same color that have magically appeared.
Miranda gives us the usual fat girl with low self-esteem story. It is really heartbreaking. Nev talks her out of going to a plastic surgeon she met on Snapchat for weight loss surgery. Nev says if she does that she will be found in a bathtub in a motel missing some vital organs. She laughs breaking the tension.
The Two Month Check In
Miranda has a new haircut, she seems upbeat and she is done with catfishing.
Vince who was sure he was going to look like the stud of Ohio, pussied out on giving an update since the realization that he was going to be shown for the douche he is set in.
Liz has cut all ties with Vince and is seeing someone new. That video chat was blurry did she get braces or something?