Real Housewive of Dallas, in which a StreetCar in Punched, A Real Barbecue is had, and my new favorite character emerges
Last week I peppered my recap with Aaron Hendra (excuse me The Aaron Hendra Project) lyrics. I’m not subjecting myself or you to that this week. I spent the week listening to a lot of Prince, so, by comparison treacly pseudo Christian soft rock did not hold up well. Maybe next week. But not now.
We pick up right as LeeAnne is storming out of the cocktail party – incidentally, it was held at Stephen Pyles Restaurant, which has since closed. Too bad, as the food was good. I was tempted to print out a Family Circus style trail (you know, the one with dotted lines that shows you where Billy and Dolly and Not Me are going within the labyrinthian confines of the Keane household, all in one circle) showing exactly where Stephen Pyles is (was) on Ross and follow LeeAnne down the block to the Museum Bus Stop, then down the street following the Streetcar line, before finally following her into the Museum Parking Lot where her car was valeted, but that was an awful lot of work for such an awful little moment. I trust I have painted a good picture though. Although I would love to see LeeAnne drawn in a Bill Keane style. She such a Thel!
Anyhow (hey – the Ambien is kicking in. It’s been a rough week), LeeAnne talking heads that she has two options: Cry or Kill That Bitch. Luckily, she takes door number 3 and ends up at a bus stop were we meet my new favorite character: random unblurred guy at the bus stop, who WHILE ALL THIS YELLING IS GOING ON, just shrugs and keeps texting. He may have been a production guy, but I like to think he was just some dude, waiting for a bus, and didn’t give this any notice because, hell, it’s Dallas and frankly every Saturday at 4:00 African Christian Nationalists are at the same spot protesting and yelling and playing drums (for real), so, No Big Deal.
Tiffany runs after LeeAnne and the emotions flip – LeeAnne is calm and Tiffany is yelling about what a great friend she (Tiffany) is and how LeeAnne doesn’t appreciate her. Just as Tiffany calms down, LeeAnne takes offense at being told “not to do this on camera,” and flips out on Tiffany and the camera guy. Dude is still texting away. Tiffany runs the block and half back to the bar. LeeAnne begins to storm off. A streetcar passes. LEEANNE PUNCHES THE FREAKING STREETCAR before crossing against traffic and going into the bowels of the parking garage (she obviously valeted her car and now doesn’t want to wait in front of the cameras for the valet to return it). The ladies back in the restaurant bray and cackle and everyone pretends they got their dresses ruined by thrown wine. We dissolve to the sounds of Cary cackling.
The “next day” -again, Bravo time is relative to your plotlines – it’s Stephanie and her doughy husband Travis’s seventh anniversary. Stephanie feels she let her cash cow hubby and his cash cow business down by putting herself in a situation that would bring shame on the family bidness. No, the shame would be in signing up to be the Gretchen on a Real Housewives show.
LeeAnne and Rich converse about whether LeeAnne should call Tiffany. Aaron and Tiffany converse about whether Tiffany should call LeeAnne. No one calls anyone but they will be meeting “later that day” at a charity clothing drive.
By the way, LeeAnne and Tiffany call each other “Fi,” pronounce “Fee,” as in “Fee Figh Fo Fum, I Smell Brandi drinking Rum.” They don’t explain why, even when I asked nicely and played dumb on the Twitters. It’s cute and fun and we’re just going to let these ladies have it. They obviously have a real friendship and have mentioned they’ve fought before and made up, just never so publicly.
At the clothing drive (for Legacy Counseling Center, which benefits HIV positive women – good charity – I’ve supported them myself), LeeAnne does something that will make TamaraTattles VERY happy and slams Michael Kors for not knowing what a large size woman is.( Au contraire mon cher, Michael Kors makes the best fat girl jeans ever.) Her feelings are still hurt and she’s a little surprised when Legacy Lady tells her that Stephanie dropped by for a tour of the house/center. This happens JUST as Tiffany shows up and the ladies don’t speak. Tiffany is hurt again, as she claims to be LeeAnne’s “No Matter What/Ride or Die” Chick. LeeAnne talking heads about her abandonment issues and how she felt Tiffany didn’t have her back and she doesn’t “do hurt.”
You know who DOES speak? Cary, who is also dropping off donations and beelines to Tiffany. LeeAnne leaves alone. Cary gets some digs in to Tiffany, who realizes who her real friend is and starts to defend LeeAnne. On the way home, in her car, Tiffany calls Fi and asks to meet for lunch.
Sidenote: it was nice to see HWs not causing a scene at a charity event. Take a lesson, other franchises. You don’t fuck up someone’s charity event for your petty high school squabbles.
Meanwhile, in Brandi’s storyline, we learn she regularly bribes her kids into behavior (Pavlov! Ruff Ruff!) and that she herself “would do anything for a bribe.” She and her mom are preparing for the estranged Grandfather visit by drinking huge goblets of wine and bemoan that husband Bryan is “gone on bidness.” He’s “gone on bidness” a lot, y’all. Like, A LOT and may miss the initial moment of contact with Estranged Grandfather (who will now just be called EGF for brevity’s sake).
Travis takes Stephanie in their Rolls Royce to deBoulles to blah blah blah product placement look how rich we are we are buying million dollar jewelry blah blah blah I used to ride a lawn mower blah blah blah look at me now.
Dr. Mark, Renaissance Man, apparently also cooks. He also should be the Real Housewife on the show, not Cary, who actually says as such. Dr. Mark is appalled that Cary’s dress was ruined by LeeAnne’s wine (it wasn’t – it was Stephanie who got splashed, but Cary wants a new dress) so he used it a an excuse to go shopping (he does all the shopping for his wife’s clothes) and buy her a new dress. They also talk about going to Switzerland for the summer, we see a child that may or may not be theirs but who Cary is determined to raise multilingually by sticking her in a country that speaks five languages, include Swiss-German. Dr. Mark mentions that he plans on sending Cary two months earlier than he and that he will send her some little fox gloves to keep her warm. Cary feigns disgust that an animal would be used in this way and tried to analogize a baby fox with the baby human they have in the house, but it all become muddled when Dr. Mark wants sexytime. Dr. Mark is a horndog who is apparently planning on sending his wife away for two months to another country on the pretense of looking for summer houses. Who knows what he plans on doing in Dallas while current dress up Barbie wife Cary is so far away?
Brandi’s storyline is actually kinda touching, so no snark. EGF and his current wife show up and, thankfully, ask for wine to drink (there was some harrumphing before their arrival that they may be teetotallers). It’s all very sweet as they all get to know each other and Brandi suddenly, Pinocchio like, become a real girl to the viewers, with thoughts and opinions and feelings, y’all. There was a funny (for me) moment when everyone hold hands to pray before dinner and one of Brandi’s daughters is seen scampering in the background, obviously not in the Jesus circle.
Sidenote: are the Farmers Only Dating Ads local or national? (National, find me a farmer!)
In a throw away scene, Cary self administers Botox, which I think is illegal. She then does Dr. Mark because he’s been frowning lately and she didn’t fix him up this much for him to be frowning.
LeeAnne and Tiffany meet for lunch and make up. Unlike most HW shows, the two actually really apologize to each other, and spell out what they are apologizing for, and promise to work on it. Tiffany is also beginning to see some of the other girls behavior to LeeAnne as bad. LeeAnne says she has moments when she’s Christian Christian Christian Christian then CARNEY! Tiffany says she’s half Japanese and half Native American and that she’ll scalp you then go all Mr. Miyagi. They both laugh and the audience does too, because it seemed like a real moment among friends. Although we will always treasure LeeAnne punching a streetcar.
The next scene – DON’T JUDGE ME – shows Brandi and Stephanie doing something I’ve done many a time before -NO JUDGING! – which is sitting on a trampoline and drinking wine. It’s fun. Stop those looks. Now that EGF has been introduced, it’s on to Brandi’s NEW storyline, which is her crumbling marriage to Bryan. Brandi is having a barbecue for her whole family to meet EGF and invites Stephanie and Travis. Brian should be home from bidness by then, she says….
At the barbecue – which is an actual honest to G-d real freaking barbecue – everyone is there and happy except for Bryan and Travis. Stephanie spills that the guys are out golfing and drinking and should be there in five minutes. From Brandi’s face and dialogue you can tell she’s genuinely hurt – she really thought he was in town and was going to be there, but, instead of coming home after his flight got in he went golfing and drinking. They show up and Bryan is not only drunk, but ignores his wife in front of her entire family. It was seriously one of the most awkward and uncomfortable things to watch – he really and truly totally dismissed his wife’s obvious excitement and happiness at her family reuniting to the point where the EGF looked uncomfortable. It was horrible, and, in a franchise that includes Brooks Ayers and Slade Smiley, Bryan may just vault to the top of Most Awful Husband on a Real Housewives show. Brandi says he sleeping on the couch tonight through tears.
Next week: Bryan is horrible, Dr. Mark is skeevy, Rich continues to have the best head of hair on TV, Keith Suburban’s accent goes in and out, and I realize the husbands are much more interesting than the wives.