It’s time to meet a new batch of morons on this week’s Catfish! After all the excitement last week, I have barely recovered. People came from far and wide to talk about that crazy episode with the Courtney the Psychic!
Paris is 25 years old and lives in the burbs of Chicago. Paris met Tara over four years ago in a chat room. Really? Chatrooms are so 1984. YAY! It’s a lesbian catfish episode. These almost always end with a chick fight! I can’t wait.
As the story goes, these two star crossed lovers were going to meet up but Tara had an accident. Ah, the old accident excuse. Not as good as that one chick who claimed to have been kidnapped, but it will do. Tara pretty much stopped talking to Paris after this accident but two years later, she has reached out again. Paris actually has the mental capacity to search a photo on the internet and it traced back to some recent high school graduate in Jersey.
The boys head to Oak Lawn to visit Paris. She has the requisite new furnishings, devoid of any copyrighted artwork and everyone sits down in their plain clothes with no logos to shoot the story. Paris tells the story of how after the accident Tara couldn’t really text because she had a head injury that apparently left her unable to think clearly and therefore she could no longer chat online. I like the shiny new orange chair! No sign of watermelon paint yet. This house is awfully nice to be hers. She’s twenty five and a massage therapist. Paris dated another girl from the same chat room named Nicole and they broke up because Paris is Bi. So mystery solved. The catfish is Nicole. Maybe the watermelon paint will show up at Nicole’s house later. Nicole and Paris had a bad break up because Nicole thought that Paris was dating a guy from massage school. Paris says they were just good friends.
Oh wait. She also went out with a girl named Mary who moved from Mississippi to Oak Lawn to be with her. [Insert Lesbian U-Haul Joke Here] She came without a job and brought her mother and her five year old son as well! She had no job. Paris said she could not take responsibility for her entire family and would not let them move in. Mary went psycho and the relationship ended badly. Mary had messaged Tara telling her to steer clear of Paris because she is trouble. The plot thickens.
When the boys do their research, they discover Mary is married to a woman and they have a kid or two. Mary calls Nev back after he reaches to her online. Mary says that her relationship with Paris was the worst thing in the world. Paris is not the angel she portrays herself to be. Mary volunteers that she warned Tara to stay away from Paris. Mary seems pretty believable. Mary also said that Paris used to catfish people in the chatroom. Mary wants nothing to do with whatever Paris is up to now. She is married and happy. The boys start to wonder if Paris is catfishing Tara. Um, the old double catfish situation where everyone is lying?
The boys go to see Paris and ask her if there is anything she wants to come clean about. She says no. They tell her everything Mary said about her catfishing people in the chat room. Mary cops to doing it but claims she was 16. That would not have been at the time she knew Mary. Paris is lying.
Nev goes outside to make the call to Tara. Tara admits the photo is not her and she does want to meet Paris but she is afraid Paris won’t accept her for who she is. She wants to call Nev right back. She texts Tara and says that if you want to meet me, you have to tell me you love me. And they say dating off the Internet is creepy…
Tara, who sounds like someone’s grandmother calls Nev back and says that she will meet her, but she lives in Syracuse not Chicago. So I think we are back to it being Nicole. But she dated Nicole in real life supposedly. Wouldn’t she recognize the name?
Off to “Tara’s” house. It turns out that Tara is……..wait for it……. MARY! Wait what? Mary who is married with a kid and very happy? Yes. That Mary who is apparently married but doesn’t seem happy. She has been catfishing Paris for revenge. Okay, so Paris lives with her mother. That explains all the furniture and knickknacks in that house. Mary says that they stayed for one night and Paris’s mother said they could not live there and so they ended up in a homeless shelter. Apparently, Mary’s wife is the one that talked to her on the phone and that is how she didn’t recognize the voice.
No lesbian beatdowns yet, Mary just flips her out and goes into her house. It’s time to look for watermelon paint, y’all! Because Nev and Max are going back to talk to Mary without Paris. Apparently, this Mary idiot moved her mother and her son across the country without even enough money to put herself up in a hotel room to move in with Paris when she was 19 and living with her mother. Mary was 24 at the time she was dragging her mother and her kid around the country to move in with the mother of her 19 year old girlfriend.
The next day they all get together again. Mary got white furniture and pumpkin colored walls. I guess they have run out of the watermelon paint. White leather sofas with a five year old is stupid. While I am starting at the staging of the living room it appears that Mary and Paris have made up.
The Two Month Check-In
Paris says that Mary and her wife and son came to the hotel after filming was over and they met and had closure and have moved on. They are no longer in contact.
Mary is batshit crazy and everything is great in her life.
This was a boring episode. I expected some girl on girl violence, dammit!
I guess we will start looking for pumpkin colored paint from here on out. Whose new furniture did you like better?