By Phil Andros
“I’d just as soon as be shot in the face with a cannon on my birthday than be tagged as a [sour face] feminist.” ~ Sally Langston
So thank GOD I was busy getting drunk for my birthday last weekend and didn’t have to sit through that EPIC snooze-fest that Tamara recapped. OMG was that hard to watch. This one is starting out pretty good with Sally doing the set up and talking about the battle for Florida’s 99 winner-take-all delegates. Of course, as Sally describes the contest between Mellie and Susan we see that it’s really all about Abby (doesn’t she have a fucking day job?!?!?) and Olivia (coming off of being beat down by her father once again.)
Anyway, Mellie is in first, Susan is in second and Hollis is third. I can’t help but notice that if Hollis wins Florida it’ll be basically a 3-way tie for first so I am predicting in the first minute that Hollis is going to win Florida and the coveted endorsement of Governor Baker. Just an FYI Shonda, honey, there is a governor Baker in the US — of Massachusetts. Sloppy sloppy.
Next shot is creepy Cyrus with Cyrus’ Whore and the rent-a-gayby. Black natch’ which was 2014’s color of the year for gay accessories. The Chinese babies were already so 2008. Choice: Spend some quality time with Cyrus’ whore or go off and boff your psycho child-killing, murdering boyfriend. So of course Cyrus makes the wrong choice. Alex Vargas calls and I am PRAYING it is a booty call, but sadly he just wants Cyrus’ Whore to do something for him although I’m not sure what.
Then we go the the lesbian trio where David tries to get some sexy time with Susan by offering her a gin rummy tournament. I checked Urban Dictionary, apparently a “gin rummy tournament” is a card game not some new kinky sex position. Damn. He’s smooth. Liz rolls her eyes. David complains that he has to sleep on the floor and she replies “Dogs aren’t allowed on the furniture.” I lol-d a little.
So we get the Governor Baker montage. It looks to me like they’re going to do the Republican Ann Richards, but we’ll see. She “likes her gin and tonic.”
David: Woah, Susan can’t drink gin and tonics. She says gin makes her mean.
Susan: Being cheated on makes me mean.
And America once again sends out a search team to look for David’s balls.
Scene with Liv, Quinn and Abby. Apparently, Olivia is still just a touch angry with Abby with making the move that caused Olivia to freak out and kill Andrew. I’m bored with Abby. I’m bored too soon. She pulls a power play and basically grounds Mellie’s plane. Which, frankly makes me hate her even more. Honestly, as someone who travels a ton, the thought of being grounded makes me anxious. Not liking this Abby. Not liking her at all.
Alex and Cyrus, also not getting along. What a surprise. Alex wants to use Governor Hottie’s kid with cancer, Cyrus says it’s manipulative and distasteful. Jigga wha? More manipulative and distasteful than kidnapping a guy’s son to force him to shoot the Governor? Oh, and then sending in Tom to kill the security guards and finish the job. Cyrus seems to have something of a lock on manipulative and distasteful. It’s really hard to imagine at this point a line he won’t cross.
Ok, so some back and forth Abby vs Olivia. Olivia won as far as I’m concerned.
So then the super oily Governor of Florida goes to see David! She basically tells him that she’s going to endorse Mellie unless he drops his investigation into Tamarac Sugar at which point she’ll endorse Susan. It’s nice to see that corruption is alive and well in Florida. David looks shocked. He always looks shocked at this kind of stuff. It used to be cute-ish. Now it’s just old. I mean, after he watched Jake murder people in front of him, you’d think he’d have figured out that people in government (or at least in this show) don’t play by the rules. But basically none of Shonda’s characters ever really develop – except Quinn…
…who has a great line: “Who amongst us hasn’t gone over the edge and killed somebody once…or maybe twice.” Then Huck mentions Jake and Olivia goes mental.
Marcus (who is no longer the un-named black guy we always forget because he’s starting to rock) convinces Mellie to call the President out and she heads onto the tarmac and starts waving at Air Force One. Abby and Olivia of course are both ripshit about it, but it works. And is a pretty great scene. I can’t remember which commenter here suggested that Mellie and Marcus are eventually going to hook up but I am becoming a believer!
David tells Susan and Liz what the Governor said and blah blah blah. He isn’t dropping the investigation and Susan doesn’t want him to. I’m liking my chances of her endorsing Hollis all of a sudden. “I hate you snowflake” may actually be my favorite line of this show.
Fitz and Mellie have an amazing scene on the tarmac. Honestly, this woman is an amazing actress. He was pretty good too. The whole scene is more or less about the shell of a person Olivia has become since she killed Andrew. Let’s hope there are no lip readers 20 yards away is all I kept thinking. Whatever. Killing people on this show isn’t that big a deal and her body count is still pretty paltry.
Great boozy scene with the Governor where it looks like I’m going to be right about Hollis and then Mellie shows up with the President who apologizes to the Governor. Susan turns the dinner party into a dirge by calling out the Governor….And then she and David make up sort of ish. Because gin rummy tournaments don’t equal sexy time, but apparently destroying a presidential campaign because you’re too ethical is downright HOT. Not. Ugh. I really can’t stand these two.
****GROSSNESS ALERT****** The scene with Michael (Cyrus’ Whore) and Cyrus was so many levels of creepy and disgusting that I can barely recap it. And all the creepy and disgusting were Cyrus who basically told him it is Michael’s job to watch the kid and be quiet and occasionally ‘get him off’ so Cyrus can do his job. Just gross. Michael plays the “Tom” card and the music gets all menacing and we can pretty much expect Cyrus’ Whore to die before this season is out. Too bad, he is anything but a “washed up rent boy.” Call me! Cyrus’ Whore isn’t taking it lying down and gives Alex Vargas a thumb drive of all of Cyrus’ communications, emails etc. HA fucking HA. As if Cyrus would let him have access to that stuff. But, whatever, it advances the plot even as it brings my beloved Whore closer to death.
Governor Baker endorses Susan? Huh? We find out later why!
OOOOO. I was dead wrong. Apparently the thumb drive that Michael gave Alex Vargas was a computer virus that emailed out pictures of the Governor’s sick kid from Alex’s account. Yay! Michael isn’t going to die!! Just yet anyway. Hottie Governor (who is looking less hot IMO) kicks Alex to the curb. Point Cyrus.
Some scene between Liv and Huck where he basically tells her that killing her first person is something that takes a while to recover from. This show must actually be pretty funny to try to watch completely cold. I mean, all of the characters talking about killing people and getting their throats cut and it’s supposed to be a political drama. If any of you has a friend who hasn’t seen the show, see if you can get them to watch just this episode cold and give you their impressions. I count Huck, Quinn, Olivia, Cyrus and Alex Vargas all talking about killing people.
Fitz has more or less the same convo with Abby that Huck had with Olivia. Obviously he’s had to tell himself a few lies to get past shooting down a civilian airliner and ordering a war that cost lives just to save his mistress. He advises Abby to find some lie to tell herself. “It doesn’t even have to be true as long as you believe it.” Which is probably also in the Guide Book “Sociopaths for Dummys” but I digress….
HAHA. Hollis does win. Yay!
And in quick succession…
…Abby and Liv sort of make up and decide they need to take down Hollis
…Cyrus shows up and Michael has cleared out AND taken the gayby. I’m back to thinking Cyrus is going to have a dead whore before too long. One phone call to Tom should do it.
…It turns out David did make a deal with the governor. He always caves in the end. And it got him nothing.
Until next week Lovers of Liberty!