By Contributing Writer, Xanadude
I swear we don’t all day drink like that. Seriously. If there was a Day Drinking Olympics, these ladies would be giving Gold Medalist Brandi Glanville a run for their money. At about the halfway point there’s a scene with Brandi and her mom that seriously makes me want to call Intervention.
We start with dueling narratives showing the dissolution of Brandi’s marriage to Bryan contrasted with the happy relationship between LeeAnne and her boyfriend Rich (and Rich’s daughter).
Brandi is SAD, y’all, cuz her husband is always away on bidness and when he’s in town, he’s not talking to her. She finds solace with Stephanie, for whom Brandi is willing to “go lesbian with,” because they’d make such a cute couple and be able to bedazzle everything they own. She also finds solace in drinking. Lots and lots of drinking. Brandi and Stephanie decide to go OUT drinking in the middle of the day because Brandi’s husband is gone and her kids are… where? I almost get the feeling Brandi has mistaken the production crew as a babysitting service. The ladies go out for drinks, and after a few, decide to rope Nurse Cary into their adventures. They call Cary and tell her to put on her “party panties,” make a few more lesbian jokes – which makes me think it’s not a joke – and drink some more until she arrives, to the point of getting “white girl wasted,” which is about as wrong as using the phrase “white girl wasted.”
Cary arrives but is wearing this cool set of weaponized earrings (which, based on this episode, is her “work earrings,” as she seems to wear them quite a bit, especially while in scrubs). We learn that Cary is on her third husband, and I’m suddenly fascinated by this woman’s backstory – her second husband literally disappeared after they were married three months, but, based on her behavior later on, we MAYBE understand his side a little. We learned that her current husband, Dr. Mark, was transformed under Cary from schlub to hub.
Brandi goes from pseudo lesbian to ultra horny drunk mommy and suggest they all go to a local male strip club (BTW: Yes, we have several. We actually have as many strip clubs as churches in Dallas – cognitive dissonance as embodied in a city). The ladies POUND vodka and tonics (the bartender brought a tray of about ten and just set the whole thing down at their table) and Brandi gets up on stage, straddles a stripper (who I think I recognize based on his chest tattoo), and proceeds to almost pass out while upside down. Cary is mortified.
We intersperse this with scenes from LeeAnne’s relationship with Rich (he off “Dallas SWAT” TV fame and the best head of hair currently on TV) and Rich’s daughter, who is in high school and having a birthday. It’s very sweet as they wrap gifts and go out to dinner. LeeAnne, who was raised by her grandmother after being abandoned by her teenage mother, says that Rich is the one and camera talks about marriage.
Let me pause for a moment to marvel at LeeAnne’s necklace. Those of you who follow my recaps and comments on various Bravo shows know that I LOVED a good statement necklace. Love ‘em. Y’all, LeeAnne currently wins Statement Necklace of the Year for her asymmetrically shaped turquoise stone statement necklace.
The “next day,” (we all know how Bravo plays with time like Rip Hunter. (Comic book reference. Look it up.) LeeAnne meets with Tiffany to discuss PoopHatGate. They pour themselves drinks in HUGE goblets that would make Brandy Howard and Julie Goldman jealous (shameless google hit search reference of the night! Hi Julie and Brandy!) LeeAnne thinks it was rude to their hostess and the charity (it was). Tiffany thinks it was funny (it was not). Then LeeAnne goes and makes a gratuitous comment about Brandi’s children and I literally groaned loud enough the hubby heard it and asked what was wrong. Bad form, LeeAnne. This was your one pass – use it well.
Brandi brings her kids over to Stephanie’s house. The ladies let the kids go off in a miniaturized motorized car and figure that it would be safe, because “it’s a gated community.” A car going way over the speed limit whizzes by RIGHT THEN and I want to thank the Bravo editors for that.
Brandi is sad again, y’all. Her husband WAS NOT happy with his wife’s dramatic recreation of Lesley-Ann Warren and Christopher Atkins scene from “A Night in Heaven.” Stephanie tells Brandi she did nothing wrong and goes in for a not-lesbian comforting hug.
Tiffany and Aaron (the singer – you can tell he has talent because of his strap on harmonica) are half talking/half singing a discussion of Why They Moved To Dallas A Year And A Half Ago (cuz she wanted to) and decide to kill two birds with one stone by having a charity concert where she does the charity and he does the concert, therefore introducing them both to their respective new worlds. Problem, though: Tiffany is not happy that her only friend is LeeAnne, so she sets her sights on Nurse Cary and her sweet, sweet bounty of plastic surgery husband. They set out their honey trap by asking Cary and Dr. Mark to appear on Tiffany’s fashion podcast (BTW: it’s a good podcast and Tiffany is great at hosting it). Cary’s husband Dr. Mark is also her stylist, which apparently makes Aaron (who is wearing a Brett Michaels “Rock of Love” headscarf) uncomfortable. Dr. Mark laughs and says that he is “into girls” and makes several closet jokes, which make me laugh and set the tone that he is a man who is comfortable with his sexuality. I immediately like him, even as he takes over the podcast talking about his wife’s clothes. Aaron’s accent comes and goes, and Tiffany quid pro quos podcast time for neck tightening with Dr. Mark, who says she doesn’t need it.
Brandi’s mom apparently comes into town frequently “to help with the kids.” We are told this as we see no kids but witness them pouring gigantic glasses of bloody marys. Whoof.
Brandi’s Secret Origin is revealed, and we learn her mother had her young and she was always told her Grandfather disowned her mother for that reason. But recently, Grandfather has been calling and wanting to connect. Brandi’s mom breaks down and confesses that the estrangement had nothing to do with her pregnancy but everything to do with the divorce between Grandfather and Grandmother and during which Brandi’s mom sided with Grandmother and was “horrible” to her father, breaking off contact. The “next day,” Bryan comes home to find his wife drinking coffee, wearing pink eyeshadow, and really bad Bravo lighting that give the effect that she has no eyes, that it is just opaque blackness where eyes should be. Seriously, check it out. It was freaky. They talk about Grandfather coming to visit but ultimately the conversation is so strained Bryan walks out to do “work,” while Brandi claims Bryan doesn’t care about her feelings.
By the way, the interstitial music is Closed Captioned as “Groovy Music.” Thanks, Bravo!
Afterward, LeeAnne and Tiffany meet and we get a glimpse into the room where LeeAnne keeps all of her charity things in large labeled plastic storage bins. Tiffany wants to be friends with the rest of the cast, while LeeAnne doesn’t want any drama. Tiffany opines that “LeeAnne saying she doesn’t like drama is like Charlie Sheen saying he doesn’t like hookers.” LeeAnne makes a valid point that your friends actions reflect on you. Tiffany doesn’t care.
Cary goes straight from surgery to “dinner” with LeeAnne and Stephanie. LeeAnne brings visual aids (plastic poop and a print out from a local friend’s blog, which, by the way, I DO read regularly) to illustrate appropriate behavior. Any respect I had for Cary was gone when she went on a tirade saying that charities should accept her money and her behavior, no matter how egregious it it, because at the end of the day they are getting their money, and how DARE they tell her how to act. LeeAnne tries again to explain to them that “what you do in public impacts the amount of money you raise privately.” Again, valid point – you respect the charity by acting appropriately at events AND that will cause them to raise more funds. Cary and Stephanie argue that they don’t want to be friends with anyone who won’t accept them as they are, even if they were to wear dildos in their hats. I wish I made that up, but, Cary’s argument really WAS, “at least she didn’t have a dildo in her hat.” Cary finally says that you need to be BORN into Dallas society, and carny kid LeeAnne will never be accepted. Again, they totally miss the damn point AND get this info wrong in the process. LeeAnne leaves, leaving thrice married Cary to pick up the bill.
Points of interest this week: The Ladies ate at Bistro 31, Bistecca, and Breadwinners. They strip clubbed at La Bare. And we were treated to nice establishing shots of the Red Pegasus (our city mascot), our streetcar line, fountains at Reverchon Park /Lee Park walkway, Uptown, and the Red Brick Courthouse.