I believe that I have adequately expressed each week what a huge trainwreck this show is. It’s so bad I’ve wondered if they would even air all eight shows. It’s basically just pairs of mothers and daughters where pretty much one of each pair gets drunk (or secretly high) and brawls all night long after a fake therapy session. I have become accustomed to this pattern only being interrupted by the fake crying sounds of Courtney Stodden. If this was an actual therapeutic environment, someone would have taken the alcohol away from Heidi and Natalie long ago. Someone would have stopped Natalie from sending the sane young woman in the house into a full blown panic attack.
But it is not a therapeutic environment. It’s a modern day side show of freaks and geeks thrown together to maximize and glorify disgusting behavior. This week, the much anticipated reuniting of Dourtney happens. You may remember this delightful May December marriage from Couples Therapy when they were vilified and ganged up on by everyone else in the house. At that time, Courtney was underage and could not stay in the house do to child filming laws in California. She was also fresh off of cheating on Doug on live feeds of Big Brother UK. Other than the season with Taylor Armstrong and the pea green towel meltdown, it was the best season ever. Couples Therapy does trainwreck much better than this show.
We start with Kim and Kimberly trying to help Cassie breathe through a full blown panic attack. For unknown reasons Cassie’s mother Char has gone to bed, leaving Kim to be the mother in the situation. Kim is actually very good in the role of caretaker, she has pretty much been one since she was five. Kimberly stupidly went back into the kitchen were drunk Natalie and drunk Heidi were draining the liquor cabinet and tried to explain to Natalie some of the consequences of her crazy rantings against Kimberly and Cassie.
The next morning, Shar finds out about Cassie’s panic attack. Cassie is still having a lot of anxiety. There is no group therapy this week. There will be some individual and some couples therapy.
But first the pseudotherapist wants to know what happened last night. She asks Natalie who immediately goes into cry and deflect mode. Kim tells Natalie she was bullying. And for once the word was used correctly. Oddly Kimberly has found her voice and tells her mother she can speak for herself. Well, let’s hear it girl! Kimberly tells her mother than when she got into it with Natalie last night it just made things worse. I have to side with Kim on this one. If I saw my kid and another kid getting chased down the hallway by a drunk raving lunatic, I’d aggressively intervene as well. Heidi of course defends her drinking partner.
Natalie’s mother (Karen) says right before the fight, she and Kim were having a lovely chat about how Kim was almost chocked on set and how two people have tried to kill her. That’s a lovely chat? Natalie’s mom is going to defend her kid and says if she had been in the hallway she and Kim would have been fighting. But Natalie’s mom was not in the hallway because she didn’t want to deal with her drunk daughter so she went to bed. Karen says Kim started it. She did not. Kim was damn well ready to finish it though. Kimberly, who has suddenly developed a backbone, shushs her mother which causes Kim to tell her to “stop!” Kim shoots back that Kimberly should not to tell her what to do because now she is defending herself. Cassie is very sweet and says she appreciates Kim stepping in and she forgives Natalie. The therapist congratulates Natalie for seeing she could have handled things differently. There was no mention of Natalie and Heidi getting blind drunk. Natalie apologizes to Kimberly. Natalie laughs and says Kim and Kimberly are “the hoodest ones in here.”
Courtney and her mother, Krista have a one on one where Krista is told Doug is on the way. Doug arrives while Courtney and Krista are in the room with the “therapist.” There other inmates in the asylum are left to entertain their new visitor. Kim asks Doug to tell them how he met Courtney. Doug says he picked his underage target off the Internet and after two months she had full taken the bait. Doug claims he didn’t know she was 16 and when he found out he asked Krista if he could marry her and Krista said he was a good person so, hey! why the fuck not? Where do I sign?
Here is the best part of the story. Doug says “I mean, Courtney was being courted by tons of men, closer to her age, wealthier than me, more famous, from sports figures, to politicians, to sheiks in the Middle East. So that’s basically how it started. Yeah.”
Natalie in a talking head says, “Sheiks? Where the hell are sheiks finding a sixteen year old?”
After Doug goes to extraordinary lengths to make sure his purse dog, Cupcake, has a wee wee pad, food, water, her favorite blanket and has he pearl necklace on straight he heads off to therapy. You can tell Doug is the kind of guy who makes sure a pearl necklace is just ever so.
Courtney has never been one to actually kiss Doug on these shows. He makes an attempt and is dodged. She does kiss him on the way out. Courtney will now sit down to discuss her great love affair. Doug says that two weeks after his marriage to Courtney, Krista told him she was in love with him. Krista’s version is that she agreed to live next door to them so that Courtney could not leave Doug because she would have nowhere to go except next door. What ensued was an argument between a narcissist and a sociopathic pedophile. I’ll just say the sociopathic pedophile is the much better liar.
I don’t understand all the daughters lying around in the hallway having conversations. It happens every episode. It’s a huge house with nice, comfy looking furniture. Yet they lay on the marble floors next to the dog food bowl to chat.
I just forwarded through all of the Heidi therapy with her mother. They have no storyline other than Heidi’s drinking and that is not being discussed. Why are they even there? Oh yeah, free liquor and a paycheck.
It’s time for tequila shots and the hot tub. The drinkers are all drunk. Josie who is underage has gone into the bathroom in Natalie’s room where Heidi, Josie and Natalie are “taking a bath all together” otherwise known as doing shots. We can hear Heidi puking. Karen is pissed because she wants to wash her face and go to bed. Josie gets the hell out of dodge but Heidi refuses to get out of the tub. Natalie and Karen look like they are about to come to blows…
Next Week: Kim Richards is unable to walk a straight line at group and has to be removed by ambulance from the show. Hmmm what could that possibly be? SIGH.