By Sometimey Intern Ben C.
Let’s getting the premiere of the newest Real Housewives franchise.
First up to bat, Brandi. Her voice is equal parts lovely, and slightly annoying. She’s been in Dallas for fifteen years. According to Brandi, fashion is one of the highlights of living in Dallas. I’m sure she’d love the annual Posche Fashion Show up in Jersey. Brandi started as a Dallas Cowboys cheerleader when she was twenty-one years old. Which is actually very impressive. She’s now married (Bryan) and has two kids (Brooklyn, and Brinkley.) The Kardashian Effect is real, y’all. Bryan is apparently gone 90% of the time for business. Brandi justifies this by saying he really wants to be a billionaire by the time he is forty. And here begins the classic ‘absent husband’ housewives storyline.
(Side Note: is anyone else really NOT digging the new font this production team decided to go with? I know this show was originally slated as ‘Ladies of Dallas’, and it looks suspiciously similar to the Ladies of London fonts. Not the vibe.)
Next we meet Leeanne (whose parents, for some reason, decided to spell her name with two E’s) and Tiffany. I love that Tiffany is credited as ‘Leeanne’s Best Friend.’ They shop together in what looks to be the ‘Posche Boutique’ of Dallas. Leeanne may very well be the delusional one(s) of the bunch. She’s never been married, but has a police officer boyfriend of many years. She actually admits on camera there are Dallas billionaires, millionaires, ‘pretend’ millionaires, but she falls somewhere below all of them. Leeanne says instead of donating money to charities – she ‘volunteers’ by making calls, and connecting the charities to people with big money. She also says there are HUNDREDS of charity events in Dallas each year, and you can’t be caught in the same dress twice. Now we see where all that charity donation money is going. Tiffany calls her the ‘Mayor of Dallas.’ Leeanne was raised as a carny-kid (PUH-LEASE can we have a parent cameo this season?!) which she says prepared her for living in Dallas. I’ll be taking bets in the comment section on how many teeth her dad still has. (No shade – I’ve absolutely seen some FINE ASS carnys in my day. In that gross, sweaty, unshowered, dirt under the fingernails kinda way. Who knows/cares if they had teeth or not.)
Now it’s time to throw Cary into the mix. Cary’s husband (Mark) is also her boss. She’s a nurse, he’s a plastic surgeon (good job, girl!) and she works at his practice. Cary was married twice before her current marriage. According to Cary, the three essentials in Dallas are: a great handbag, a great pair of shoes, and a great pair of boobs. I’d say she’s probably right. She’s throwing an upcoming jewelry trunk show to benefit a breast cancer charity she works closely with. Cary makes a comment to her husband in the operating room about not wearing underwear. Just the vibe to set for someone who’s about to go under anesthesia for a breast augmentation. Towing a fine sexual harassment line.
Later, Brandi is on her way to her ‘best-friend’ Stephanie’s house. What is with these credits?! #shadebybravo. They immediately crack open a bottle of wine, which Brandi justifies by reminding us all Jesus turned water into wine. Hence the name: Jesus Juice. According to Brandi, it’s suitable for all times of day. THESE are the type of Christians I can get down with. Praise Him! Stephanie actually has to “work” for her husband’s money (housework) so, naturally, she’s invited Brandi over to help her. They end up having a bit too much Jesus Juice and can’t figure out how to program a garage door opener. I love them so much already. Brandi gets super cute describing the friendship – she literally describes her friendship as too much Jesus Juice, peeing in the bushes, Stephanie farting on cue, and Brandi dancing in the fart. I LOVE THEM.
Stephanie grew up in a super, super Christian family in Oklahoma. Like, no dancing allowed super Christian. She met her husband after a night of too much Jesus Juice (literally her words) and they made out the entire night. They went on a second date the next night, got hammered for a second time (again, her words) and made out all night, again. Now they have two kids, and probably on the verge of an unhappy marriage. Stephanie admits she knows she’s not the ultimate type of girl her husband would like. He wants someone like his mother – Type A, a Betty Draper type. She’s too silly, and can fart on command. Her husband does have nice, big Juicy Joe arms – so I’m going to let it pass for now. She lives on the golf course at the Four Seasons. Is this actually impressive? To have your house built on a golf course of a chain hotel?
OH NO, now it’s time to get to know Tiffany. I’m writing this after watching her entire intro, and never have I EVER disliked a housewife more from only a first impression. First off, she’s married to Keith Urban. Oh wait, his name is Aaron. He’s an Australian musician, with a highlighted, frosted tipped, butt-cutt. Baby boy, Keith Urban can hardly pull off that hair style. Chop that shit off. I’m currently fantasizing about buzzing all that hair off while he’s sleeping. Tiffany moved back to Dallas with Aaron/Keith, after living in Los Angeles. She claims she was working steadily in the “modeling and acting scene” – and living “that life” of coke, cristal, and private jets. She woke up on a bathroom floor (probably of a Super 8, or Motel 6) and realized it was time to leave it all behind. Tiffany’s delusion clearly explains her friendship with Leeanne.
Later, it’s time for Cary’s charity event. She’s using her house (how #RHOP of her!) to host the event, and selling jewelry from a local designer to raise money. All the women are there to support the charity. Brandi and Stephanie consume a bit too much Jesus Juice, and the rest of the ladies take note. Leeanne is particularly upset, and makes it very known. She comments it’s “getting a little Plano in here” – I’m sure the people of Plano, Texas will love this comment. Especially coming from a fucking former CARNIVAL KID. #GoHomeLeeanne. Sadly, it looks like Leeanne is going to be the buzzkill of the season. So far it’s been non-stop talk about etiquette, without actually using the word. Leeanne is to Dallas, as Karen is to Potomac. Or however those things work. I did real bad on the SATs. Shit, I still can’t even get over those two E’s in Leeanne’s name.
Another day, another charity event! Brandi and Stephanie get together to essentially pregame for the event later that evening, hosted by a friend of Leeanne’s. Brandi pours each of them way oversized glasses of white wine, and they discuss their developing beef with Leeanne. Both the ladies each know Leeanne looks down on them. Brandi has had to reintroduce herself several times to Leeanne. Brandi does a semi-funny impression of Leeanne, that (unbeknownst to Brandi) Stephanie has spread around to the other girls. I genuinely don’t think she did it to be malicious, she’s just that type of girl that likes to “have fun.” Cut to one of her sons throwing dog poop in the swimming pool, and the other wetting his pants in the backyard and taking them off after he’s finished. I think they’ve learned how to behave from too many Jesus Juice sessions. Cut to me never being a parent.
At the event, all the ladies arrive and begin to mingle. Tiffany hasn’t had garlic bread since 1989. Coincidentally, this is the year I (and Taylor Swift!) was born. Cary makes it known to Brandi she’s heard about her imitation of Leeanne, and wants to see it. Brandi refuses because, obviously, Leeanne is 10 feet away. I really can’t believe the first major conflict/storyline of the season is about a damn IMITATION. Although, I’ll take this over faking cancer any day of the week. There are a few speeches made, during which Leeanne catches the holy ghost and lets all her praises and exclamations be known. She nods feverishly, and chimes in with audible noises and words of agreement and encouragement throughout. After the speeches, and an awkward turf-war exchange between the ladies. Leeanne/Tiffany make it known to Brandi they’ve heard about her impressions, and wants to see them in person. Brandi and Cary cling together awkwardly. Stephanie’s all in the back like “I want to have fun! Brandi’s funny!”
Brandi seems to feel bad about the situation, and pulls Leeanne aside to talk privately. Either my acid trip just kicked in, or this show just flipped the script – Leeanne is being a grown ass woman and apologizing to Brandi. Leeanne says she “gets” who Brandi is, she understands her style of humor and thinks it’s great. Brandi seems to have forgotten the whole imitation conversation 3 minutes before, and brings up a whole new topic – she tells Leeanne straight up, she’s worried about her, and her behavior. Yas Brandi. Apparently, at an HIV/AIDS event a few weeks prior, Leeanne decided to share her life story with the crowd, because it “inspires people.” This woman is a trip. She’s clearly only involved with charities to boost her own name/presence and cares nothing about the actual charity involved. I keep seeing glimpses of likable Leeanne, but unfortunately they aren’t sticking yet. I’d like to see Karen from Potomac slap her across the face with her ‘Book of Etiquette.’ Leeanne takes it as Brandi calling her life pathetic. I don’t see the connection myself, but at this point I’m charity-ed out. Brandi continues to come for Leeanne, calling her out on all the expenses going towards event spaces, food, alcohol, etc. for the events should really be going to the charities. I’m no expert, but any charity events I’ve ever been associated with, things like that are donated because it’s – you know, charity. I semi-agree with Leeanne that it takes these things to make people like Brandi interested to come to the events in the first place. Leeanne tries to knock Brandi down a few pegs by reminding her she’s new in the Dallas charity world, but Brandi quickly reminds her it’s only because she’s been raising two young children at home for the past few years. Snap. And with that, the battles lines are drawn.
I’M INTO IT!!! HOW ABOUT Y’ALL??! Which side are you on? Should we start a weekly recap poll a la Watch What Happens Live? (I’m coming for you, Cohen.)
Find me on Twitter! @bennayy