Catfish Ray & Lexi: And YOU Get a New Living Room and YOU Get an New Living Room!

I hate that I didn’t get the chance to recap Catfish live this week as it brings in more people to tell me I am an idiot and I should stop recapping this show if I hate it so much.  How could I hate this show?  I do hate that it has jumped the shark so hard, but it is always fun to make fun of morons. So tonight, the morons are Ray and Lexi.  The listing says that Ray wants to meet his girlfriend of four years. That right there is stupid. I mean I’ve had a gay fiancée online for well over a decade and am really not that pressed to meet him. In fact, I sometimes think that would ruin our whole relationship. We have a the best relationship I’ve ever had in my life, bar none. And everyone I’ve dated knows I like him better than them.  So, um what is wrong with you people?  Let’s get on with the show.

Ray lives in Vegas and is in love with Lexi who lives in Phoenix.  I can’t spell Phoenix, so this is going to be annoying. They have never video chatted. She doesn’t have much social media.  Okay, first I need to know more about the talking on the phone part. Does she have a deep voice. When we catch up to Ray, he says he has moved to Chicago for a job and Lexi has moved to Iowa.  The Lexi pictures will not be her. A girl that looks like that is not on the phone every day with some dude she met on the Internet. She is also sort of racially ambiguous.  Or “swirly” as Wendy Williams calls it. Anyway, once she “turned 18” she started getting more distant and the phone activity slowed down. I’m confused as to how old they are now.  I suppose male to female transgender is still possible and she was away those times getting tracheal shaves and boob jobs.  Lexi hi him up first.  Jay has sent him dick pics.  Jay thinks that there are three sisters, Alexia, Lexi and Lexa. Oh Jay, how did you get a job in Chicago again? Jay says he didn’t think it was weird. There are families that do that! Um, Jay, there is one family that does that George Foreman’s family. He named ALL of his boys George Foreman. This is not normal, Jay. C’mon.

I should point out that Jay is super cute. And seems to have a functioning brain in other areas. I’m so not buying what Jay is selling.

The boys do their sleuthing. Apparently they are both 19 now. Who moves to another city for a job offer at 19? LOL Max just made the George Foreman joke. Max and I are so simpatico. #Swoon  The boys find another guy who has been catfished by the Alexia name. He says she goes by all three names. Raise your hand if you are shocked. I see no hands.

I’m bored.

It’s time for the Nev phone call to Lexi. She gives the standard “oh I dunno if this is a good time to meet him..” And then she agrees.  I typed all that before the phone call even started. I know the script by now.

I’m not finding Jay to be particularly believable.

I always love the airport scenes. Because I love airports.

The guys arrive at Lexi’s house in Iowa and Nev goes to the door. A girl named “Lexa” comes to the door and says she is Lexi’s sister “not blood.”  She says Lexi got nervous and did not come. BITCH, WE KNOW IT IS YOU. Nev is like, you are so lying. It’s you. Lexa is a good hundred pounds heavier than the girl in the photos. Ray thinks this means the sisters are real. Nev and Max seem to think that it’s possible Lexa is not Lexi. Because, Scripted.

So they drive away letting the catfish off the hook and then “Lexi” calls from a blocked number. Because that makes sense. COME ON you guys. Max and Nev think it is a different voice from “Lexa.” Seriously? OTOH, “Lexa” didn’t make any special effort to look nice for Jay with her white sweatband and no makeup. Lexi says she could meet them tomorrow but when Ray asks what time she hangs up.

It’s day two Nev calls to convince Lexi to meet them. She tells him to come back to her house. BECAUSE IT IS THE SAME DAMN PERSON, Y’ALL. When they get there, it’s of course the same damn girl and she says once again, Lexi is not there. This time she is camera ready courtesy of production. Nev drags her out in the snow to talk to Ray. BECAUSE THAT IS HER YOU FUCKING IDIOTS! #OccamsRazor

Nev is like, COME ON WOMAN. You are Lexi! Because, duh. And of course she is Lexi but her real name is Marlayna (which I also do not believe.) This girl rolls her eyes back in her head with every lie. They go inside the house that has been cleaned, wiped of all copyrighted materials, and staged with random stars and letters spelling out HOME.  I swear I would go on this show just for the home makeover aspect which means I’d need to be the catfish. Who wants to be my online love of three years? I can play gay or straight as long as my rinky dink living and dining room get painted and I hope they do something with the hardwoods in these two rooms.  Sadly, I think this will be the last season because we are on to EVERYTHING by now. The fun now is in figuring out the angles. Why did these two REALLY called the show? If you recall Lexi/Marlayna whatever her real name is claims she just moved to Iowa.  Perhaps they both wanted home makeovers? This is not the home of a 19 year old who just fucking randomly moved to Iowa on her own. Stop that Catfish!  Brand new couch, rugs, dining room table, interior designed by someone with a brain, fresh paint, stucco walls in the living room… I can’t.

She tells the requisite bullying story. I was expecting the fat story but it is the colorism story. Both have been done to death. She does have a good point since she is playing the part of a 19 year old that she started all of this at age 14. This will get her out of any issues with people who don’t know she just did this for free furniture. Which again, I would totally do. But I don’t believe either of these idiots are 19. Ah the girl in the photos is allegedly Mexican. They got a release to use those photos  so Catfish production knows who she is too. “Lexi” says she used a different, higher voice when talking to him which is completely unsustainable for four years. PUHLEASE.

She says once she grew up, she didn’t want to pretend to be someone else anymore and she could not tell him what she did she wanted to end it, blah, blah, blah, blah. Ra can barely play his role. “Lexi” really does display some anxiety but it is probably from being on TV. No one mentions the other alleged random dude she did the same thing to. #Plothole

Ray says “this is better than not knowing anything.” Nev says I wonder if she still has your dic pics. Everyone laughs and laughs because there is absolutely not truth to any of this.

Alexa also made enough off her stipend to buy her some 26 inch extensions and a nose ring for the two month check in Skype. You go girl! Get doze coins! And suddenly she is fine with being black and full of self confidence. And they all lived happily ever after with their newly updated cribs and hair.

And I’m only mad because I wish I had done this myself. But I guess I am way too  old unless my catfish gig was that I am 19. Because these people were at least 25.