I feel like I am always saying this but I have four recaps tonight so I’m not going to be very conversational or detailed here tonight. I’m sure y’all will bring up whatever I don’t in comments. It’s been a really busy (successful) day at Tamara Tattles today, so YAY! Let’s get back into Southern Charm where damn yankees make a mockery of The Holy City.
We begin at Thomas Ravenel’s new house. Did I know about this one? It’s right downtown. I want to say he sold a house on Queen. I am ten seconds in and already dying for real estate information.
Thomas gives a drunken speech basically insulting everyone. It seems like at this point Thomas and Kathryn are together. For reasons we have not been shown, Thomas is a raving drunk lunatic (well I guess that is the reason) and he really starts laying into everyone but Kathryn. He screams a sweet Cameran and Landon calling one or both of them thin-skinned bitches who don’t have jobs. Apparently we are starting at the end. Or the middle. I don’t know.
Then ironically we get the Southern Charm emblem. We still haven’t heard the honeybee song. It’s now just a montage of everyone waking up for the day. We get a shot of Thomas combing his hair in the mirror and he has the worst black eye I have ever seen.
If I had a dog sitter for Banjo, I would be leaving to Charleston first thing in the morning. I even miss the damn airport. Sigh.
Shep and Cameran
Cameran is taking Shep on a fishing trip as a thanks for letting her list his house. They talk about Craig’s drinking problem but they don’t seem judgey. Cameran has to pee off the side of the boat. Basically, these two are narrating the introduction of everyone for the new season. Cameran has always narrated the show. It looks like this year, Shep will join her.
Craig is in Delaware. He says he as done a lot of growing up there and knows what he wants from life now. So he is flying back to Charleston to film the new season. A new girlfriend has been cast for Craig. Her name is Naomie. Craig says they have been dating for eight months. She looks straight out of central casting to me. Just like Landon was. But Landon turned out alright so whatever. Craig says she is his first love. She’s French. Craig’s a yankee. It makes perfect sense they should be on a show about Charleston. To be fair, everyone falls in love with Charleston. I can claim it because I lived there for some part of a year when I was 4 or 5 or 6. I dunno. I just remember catching frogs in a paper bag and bringing them inside to my mother. Who opened the bag and then had to chase frogs around the house. I could not understand why she was not pleased with my gift. Did she have any idea how hard I worked to catch those frogs for her? #TrueStory
The show has provided a house on the marsh in West Ashley. The cover story is that it is Naomie’s parents property that is for sale. #NewCraig immediately wants to throw a huge party. Sounds like #OldCraig to me. Craig and Shep have issues to resolve.
The producers go to a great deal of trouble to be sure we know Kathryn is living outside the city in Moncks Corner. She’s gone home to her parents 800 acre plantation to take care of her baby and her pregnancy. The lovebirds are currently off. And when they are off they hate each other. Thomas is not supporting her or the babies.
Cooper and Kathryn are all buddy buddy right now.
The Perennial Litigious Yankee Gadfly And Her Co-Dependent Son
Have you ever noticed how much gay men love their mothers and sometimes it can go all Norman Bates? Oh look, It’s Whitney. The help is on vacation. Oh my. Did they lose their furniture? Why are there tables with dust rose table cloths in the sitting room? I think they are talking about a restaurant that Whitney seems to think he is tied to that is the actually show producer Bryan Kestner’s idiotic idea for a French Mexican (??????) restaurant on King street. The idiot gutted a historic property for this bone head idea.
This new house of Thomas’ is like real estate porn. Is it on the Battery? Apparently, Landon and Thomas are “hanging out.” Landon asks about his huge black eye. It is from THIS BAR FIGHT. He went on a tirade threatening a ten million dollar lawsuit. This puts the time line in place for me. Thomas was on a huge bender at this time. Thomas is all pissy because under South Carolina law, the mother of a child born out of wedlock is the sole decision maker. He cannot abide that. And so he goes all over the Internet accusing her of all the things he has done, drinking, drugging, being a terrible mother, going out at night whatever pops into his mind. He is standing her telling us he is coparenting with her and in the same breath says he refused to speak to her and the nanny takes the baby back and forth. He’s such a cad. No wonder the gadfly is so enamored with him. Landon seems all to willing to be his next victim.
Party at Craig and Naomie’s House!
Kathryn is fully aware that Landon has eyes for Thomas. Landon says that her relationship with Thomas is strictly platonic. I didn’t even know about this rumor and saw it immediately in the last scene.
Cameron, who is a realtor, points out the obvious. Craig is squatting in a million dollar plus home. If it really is Naomie’s parents’ property, I think he will greatly appreciate all the benefits of the young lady cast as his girlfriend. She did displease him by buying store bought artichoke dip (because who does that?) for the party. But I have a feeling he will overlook her lack of southern hospitality once the free crib is figured into the equation. There is a valet at the beer bash.
The major tension is between Shep and Craig who are trying to reconcile. Though Shep immediately calls him Eurotrash. To be fair, sweet Cameran did mention to us, but not to Craig that he looks like an Italian something or other. I’ve already forgotten. There have been huge explosions for the past hour that I have decided must be related to a major bit of construction a couple miles away and it has Banjo losing his mind and me losing my patience. Maybe it was Italian mobster? Whatever.
The other tension is between Kathryn and Landon (and Thomas obviously). Cooper introduces his friend Devin, a blond haired, blue eyed beauty who is a junior at College of Charleston, and the might as well have put one of those comic book thought bubbles over his head that said “SPROING!”. Because, lech.
Kathryn says that no one really reached out to her when she got pregnant. Now they are sort of ignoring her at the party. But not as much as she thinks. Most of the guys come and hug her and Cameron just doesn’t know the protocol for greeting someone who is seven months pregnant to a man she is not married to that she completely loathes.
Meanwhile, it’s beer wine and low country boil all around and I wish I could teleport through my TV. Oh, also full open bar. Shep and Craig chat over a scotch like grown men. Basically, Craig seems willing to acknowledge Shep as the alpha male. And that is really all Shep wants.
Thomas goes and sits down next to Kathryn. He is making drunken casual conversation. They can barely look at each other. But so far no knives. Thomas starts talking about how hard the renovation on his new house is. Kathryn says in a confessional, “Please, these are the problems you have when you have no problems.” Which is profound and true and reminds me of when I talk to my brother about the garage he is building a Sheree Whitfield pace to house his Porshe collection. I mean it’s really hard to respond to that with “the gun shots have really been increasing in the ghetto lately.” I mean how should he respond to that?
Here’s the thing. This show is heavily scripted. There is always a set up before the fight. Thomas told Landon that he was painting the girl child’s room periwinkle. Which is not even a color a straight man should ever utter. Apparently, the last Kathryn heard the room would be pink. Kathryn, because she is hormonal and female, immediately decides that Landon who fancies herself an interior designer made the change. Because I am and have been the same crazy as Kathryn, I understand this very clearly. I would walk you to all the steps but you probably would not get it So the bottom line is that whore bag Landon is decorating her first child’s nursery. And clearly she must die. I typed all that before I watched whatever is about to happen because I see it all clear as day.
OMG they had Landon wear a periwinkle dress to the party. I hate the production on this show.
We will have to see Kathryn kill Landon on the next episode. We still don’t know when that dinner scene was from. Perhaps it’s from the final episode? Also we never heard the theme song. I love the theme song.
No matter how many yankees they put on the show, or how overly scripted it is, I just love this show. It could be so much better. But I love it anyway.